boys don't cry

grey in grey. dark grey.

I left the school in a hurry, grabbed my ID, my money, his jacket, ran to the parking lot, clack clack clack the cowboy boots on cold asphalt, it is a Californian night, unusually cold, his car is still there.
So I start walking down the Blvd, somewhere here was a VONS or was it Savondrugs? Today is the 13th, I should have gotten my period today. A bitch surely I was, pms-ing like hell, craving chocolate and icecream, crying at the drop of a dime...freaking out late at night in his car when I start freezing and he sleeps and doesn't turn on the heater and mumbles 'yes, i'll do it' and falls back asleep. when I reach out to him to caress him and it tickles him. freak out.
we both are at the verge of a nervous breakdown. Pregnancy would be just the cream on top of a very bad nightmare...

I shudder in the cold. The blvd is deserted. grey in grey. dark grey. some chicas blanance on their stilettos through the night, soem limousines are parked at the side of the street, the drivers leaning at the car, smoking or just observing - nightlife is nightlife, no matter where. hustlers, drugdealers, fucked up personas, the whole glamour and gloomy misery of city humans, so to say. homeless mingled into the scenery of the perverted fake world of hollywood, where the realities are so hard that they can be covered like stone. There is a party, lots of black people or do you say African Americans? thoughts just skipping through my mind, irrelevant, just there so I don't have to fear the emptiness behind them...

There is no reason really to go there and buy the pregnancy test now. But I still go. I have to go. IT is one of those moments, when intuition dictates me or is it my angels? taking some stupid idea as a pretext to send me on my way....

Like following a minutae plan I cross the street at a light, stroll further down the Blvd until my wandering hasty eyes finally find their destiny, their destination: grey in grey, dark grey: Him standing at the light, his dark 'fro a familiar shape to my eye, his grey Bob Dylanesque jacket clenched tightly around his broad shoulders and slender body, his glasses dark in his pale face.

'love!' ... and then hesitantly 'what - the - fuck?'
'what are you doing here piranha?'
'i have to buy something'
'come with me'
'no, come with me'
he starts crossing the street. grey. disappointed maybe, not willing to make an effort.

Amazon Warriors. You are the strong. Women, gather.

I follow him, wait, my love, wait, I am coming. I realized that the pregnancy test wasn't the reason for me coming out here. it was a pretext. a pretext to meet him there, caught in the act, - I asked him three times where he was in a text message, he didn't answer, there was sth strange and this just supports this feeling. he looks so miserable and sad and tortured there in the night. he is freezing his ass off, he is so tired and he is so out of place. misplaced. and I met him, seemingly coincidentally. pretext. i say. pretext
'what's your problem'
'i don't have a problem'
'no, i said, there is a problem'
he says that a friend of his is in big trouble. seeking for help. and he can't help, he tries to, but he can't, he tried to talk, but the words won't come out right. because they both know that they are hollow. he looks like an old man, bent under a burden that you can't name. when somebody slips and falls into this abyss the terror and horror, the pain becomes blank and nameless. it grabs your heart and suffocates it in one powerful movement. I've been there, seen it, I suffered and suffocated and drowned in the ocean of my tears. for him it is even worse. he has been there, done that. he knows what it is like to fall and to scream and scream and scream a mute cry for help. like in a soundproof room nobody hears you. people see you, point at you, but they don't hear you crying for help.
'i've always been able to help people' he says. 'and i can't do anything now. it is so terrible.' words can't tell .

the same expression, the same pain in his eyes like back then, when I broke down and cried and nothing could console me. it was starteling and confusing for him. nothing helped, until my wife came and played piano for me.
'and thats the reason why i was so upset and freaked out today and the last couple of days, it hadn't anything to do with you...'
I look at him. It hurts. Again. When will he understand?
'Look, I've told you, I don't blame you or anything it's just....if you want to be in a relationship with me you have to tell me these things. you don't have to tell me names in case it would be disrespectful to do so. but you have to tell me whats on your mind, on your heart. I want to be able to be there to support you. and please don't expect me to do that entirely blind. I need to know what to direct my heart to. that's the whole idea of a relationship, that you are stronger together. ..'

he sits now, in my practice room. his glasses up. his beautiful eyes his eyes...'no babies' he says. 'no babies'.
yes i say tenderly, don't worry. there won't be any babies. not now.
but what if
I told you, you don't have to worry, love. I swallow hard. Please, lord, it would break my heart to do this. It would break my heart and every time I think of it I feel like crying. I don't want to kill his baby.
'babies are smart' I say. 'they know that it is not the moment. don't worry my love'
'not now. i can't -all he ever wanted was a happy family.
Not now' he says and his eyes are so incredibly sad and shiny. tears.

boys don't cry