life lessons

what i learned:

- I am still lacking efficiency and walking my talk. This is with a complete manager secretary diploma in my pocket. How pathetic is that???
- family IS important and should be a last refuge. No use in trying to divorce it or not to fight for it.
- WHAT I WANT:
In my last relationship in Berlin I didn't know at all what I want in a relationship. I hadn't had a real relationship before that ever. J___ on the other hand DID have a kind of long relationship before me with this girl and knew what he wants and needs: TRUST, CARE, COMMITMENT, HONESTY. no big secrets, NO CHEATING.
Well, I think there HAS to be this inner space in which you can have your own little secrets that you don't share with your lover and partner, but I've pretty much come to terms with all of the above mentioned and subscribe it FULL HEARTEDLY. In many ways it makes me shake my head about myself and in the same time I am filled with joy for this wonderful boy/man, to know his place at such an early age. May the goddess bless him forever and may he make the women in his life blissfully happy, as he tried to do with me. I am so sorry J_____, that I wasn't ready to take on this wonderful gift and although there are several things that you did that killed it (talking about your ex as much as you did is definetely a NO) I take on full responsibility for all that and apologize for being such an immature little brat. I really tried to destroy the wonderful image you had of me. It wasn't good that you idealized me so much, but in the same time I see that I was wrong. But thats how life goes. When you aren't ready you aren't ready. That's it.

In a way it s funny how I explored my darker sides as a reaction to someone who had such an idealized image of me and how now, as I am in the middle of the Hollywood-desaster and in a relationship with someone who has seen the dark in its darkest colors, start seeing the sides in me that J_____ was referring to. My Gypsy knows and sees the same in me, but sometimes it seems to me as if he views this like a sort of antique thing in a museum that needs to be protected and just not from this world. It doesn't seem to me as if he can really embrace it, maybe I am a little hard on him here now, but yeah thats anyways just a snapshot of what flies through my head right now...So his emphasising the bad 'real' world out there makes me insist on those beautiful things. I simply refuse to give in to that. And it makes me sad. It's not like I am ignoring these sides of our world but I am not ready to give in to them. Is there a difference or am I just not seeing it?

whatever. it makes me furious.

so lifelesson number 4 is here: YES I DO WANT TO HAVE TRUST AND HONESTY AS THE BASIS. and relationships ARE about CARE and SUPPORT and growth.