ultimatum

so there i am again. in a ridiculous fit of homesickness for berlin, sitting outside a shitty social welfare apartment in a shitty part of Santa Monica and one beautiful star in the night sky. at least the stars are still there. or at least they uphold the illusion...I stare at the powerbook screen. dirty. it is my sister's. mine is dirty, too. she and I.
when everything seems to crack and crumble...it is cold. I am shivering.

tears are dwelling behind myself. self pity is so pathetic. American Spirit lasts long, thanks God. glowing and glimmering in the dark, a substitute for a campfire, celebrating the absolute loneliness that creeps up from behind.

YOU CAN'T JUST GO BACK WHEN YOU FALL. GRAVITY.

jealousy, yeah, that was a nice trip. expressing how much that can be an engine. you know. if this bitch can do it, dude, i can do it better. fuck, yeah.

let me go back in and grab the whole pack.

there were sweet spots, like the Weinerei at the Zions Church. Ah. And good friends, like almost everywhere on this planet, Mira, I miss you. It is a strictly sentimental melancholy, a nostalgic realization..'TV on the Radio' - 'All your dreams are over now'. exactly, right.

so there is my best friend in New York now, then hitting European Ground, Albania. fare the well.

oh I am heading towards a long long winding road of loneliness.

do you know the feeling when you wish, that your Ex would feel honored and ultimately kicked by reading that you just fucking regret too many things that you weren't able to appreciate at the right moment? that he would still love you somehow despite everything you did to burn the bridges and destroy the image he had of you in a ridiculous outrageous fit of self destruction? Ah. Damn. If you ever read this. I have to admit. You were such a wonderful person in my life. Ah. FUCK