Kant says that anything done out of good will is the ultimate and only valuable in terms of morals. good will.
I don't cry out of good will. I smile, sit down at the table, put the fork, the knife, the salt and pepper and the napkin for me and my love on it. I salt my eggs and hashbrown, put butter on the bread, joke with Iglesias, the Italian, touch my love's hand lovingly...and hold them back. them tears from rolling...it s a deep urge to cry over my food, hair in my face, looking down at the earth: gravity.
Once I heard someone say that love is the only thing that can reverse gravity. that means, - oh pain - that you could fall out of love again, right? against the laws of gravity..?
As I was paying the food Iglesias stood next to me. He looked at me with this intriguing, investigating glance in his eyes, understanding, empathetic or do I only read this into him? He knows my love, they are good friends, teacher and student, and he knows us together.
I say, gulping the knot in my throat down, 'ah - (gulp) I want to.... go back to Europe....(gulp)'
I hear you, he says. I hear you. But then I laugh, jump over the floor in my childish ways, singing along with Bob Marley. Smiling, for free, it' s allright...allright....
He can't sleep in the camper anymore, something freaks him out about it. Thus I sleep with him in his car out of good will, and I let him make quick and rash love to me, on the passenger seat that I put down, trying to figure out when he cums (I hate condoms!) because he feels very bad when he comes quickly and doesn't always show thereof but I want this to be nice for him too, so hey, relax. all this, out of good will. I like it, that's not the point, but actually I am deep down very sad and wish he would treat me differently. I wish he would try to see my whole body, my being, that he would try to make me come, too, although it is not easy for me to let go, but hey, that's not a reason to stop trying right? I wish he wouldn't give up on things because it seems he can't do a perfect job. Better a little than nothing, dear.....
But out of good will I let all that happen and try not to be too disappointed, not too obvious, learn how to hide some things, like a real warrior has to learn to do.
I have time. He goes through a really bad patch right now, he will rise to his full power and full beauty and amazingness in due time. I know that and I believe in that. I've seen it....coming.....in his eyes, windows of his beautiful soul.....so loving, so good...
It's a tough school. The Amazon Warriors cut one breast in order to aim and shoot better. Let them teach me to be tough.
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