ahh, finally, after having craved for it for months i got to rent 'Life Of Brian' by Monthy Python. Good old times. I just dig this kind of humor. It is so refreshing. I love the scene where the 'People's front of Judea' (or was it the Judea's people front, teehee) discuss what good the Romans brought to Judea. They wound up with education, water system, public order, and many more points and it just made me think of the resentment in Germany against America and elsewhere in the world and the many things that they still wouldn't want to miss out. It's a very ambiguous issue though but I won't get into that here.
so after the movie was done my nephew is like 'i change into my PJ's and then suddenly, surprise surprise MY PHONE is in his basket! hahaha. what the eff. I've been looking for it for two days, after it miraculously disappeared (I didn't look like for five seconds), was turned to silent all of the sudden and then switched off. STRANGE. TWO days. i mean, if you make a joke, play it for an hour maybe. but not freaking two days! It was graduation at school and yeah but I survived without a phone. Like in the good old days... :) but still....after I announced 'innocently' (good move though) tonight, that the finder would get a 30 min massage the phone reappeared all of the sudden....and HE found it. hahaha. i mean, hey! he even tried to negotiate the price for the finder by trying to blackmail me like 'i'm not going to look for it if the massage is only 30 min.' jesus christ. give me a break.
but it makes me wonder. he is 13, needs so much attention and affection. no wonder, his sister has ALWAYS been in the center point of attention ever since he was born. and now she is a moviestar and what not. and then there is his little brother, everybody cuddles and loves him...i think i'll give him a 45 min massage ;-)
so coming home was really nice after all. no stress. because the stress is now somewhere else: it s unbelievable how MUCH i changed from how I was in my previous relationship. I am putting up with so much annoying things, and now I even have to battle my jalousie. I always thought of myself as a strictly not jealous person but now I get to know the very annoying and perutrbing site of a relationship: being jealous.
there is this girl, she just finished the guitarprogramme in my school, she is grungy, different, strange and my love can TALK to her. yeah. what the fuck. and he is going to ask HER to sing his songs and make the music for his songs. he initially asked me at some point but admitted now that he thinks that I won't get it and can't do it. No offense, but you know, I like to write sorta depressed stuff and ...yeah, the happy little fairy fucking tale piranha doesn't understand that stuff. hell yeah. oh god, I am learning. I've been feeling depressed here more than ever since I was freaking 17 years old! Jesus. Makes me think. I had a good time with Giovanni, Kurt and Stefan, thinking secretely to myself, that those are people who speak 'MY' language, and how sad it is in a way, that my love and I don't seem to speak the same language after all but that it also doesn't matter.
and now I have to see how this feels like: IT SUCKS. seeing him talking with slightly melancholic depressed J______, seeing him deeply worried about her, that he feels bad for her, that she says she thinks it sucks that so many girls are so clingy (ooops, what the fuck was your point here? ah? did you actually fucking imply here something......roooooaaaar!!!!!) that she reminds him of his ex, that he doesn't tell me where he goes and I find him at 2 AM somewhere on Hollywood Blvd, because 'a friend' has a huge problem and it totally drags him down that he cannot help but this friend is basically screaming for help. and then i just conclude that it is her, I have my reasons, trust me.
aaahr. and then we went to visit a friend in hospital today, all together and seeing her being sweet and smiley and getting so fucking well along with him makes me just freak out. I don't say anything my heart just grows heavier and heavier as my mind plays wicked games on me like whispering in my ear, how GOOD THEY LOOK TOGETHER and how great of a couple they would be, he the dedicated engineer/producer, she the muse and freaking musician/artist. yes, their lives seem to coiincide way more than ours. and it makes me sick and fucking fucking sobbing right here over the typepad.
i know that it is irrational in a way, but in the same time...things aren't going too well these days. he had a lot of stress, so I sort of put up with EVERYTHING. but it is seriously NOT FUN to be his girlfriend right now. fuck. i feel like putting up with it ALL the time. and then he is like, don't freak out over J______, you jam all the time with Kurt or hang out with Giovanni and I am okay with it. Once I actually have a friend I really can talk with you act weird like that...
well thanks honey. so much for me being your best friend. if you TALKED TO ME, too, it wouldn't be an issue for me all. and if i wouldn't think that she is mysteriously beautiful and interesting in a way. oh fuck. i understand him now with Giovanni and Kurt and even Stefan. It just fucking sucks. He says he doesn't care anymore. I thought he was over it, but the way he says it now is like making me feel he gives a fuck. and that's a bad thing.
man, J______ is a fucking cokehead. fuck fuck. leave her alone. 'somethings are inevitable' that's what you both concluded in your last conversation, ha? well. i was going to freakin fight for it and try to make it work. I am so freakin sad it is not funny. you are not going to make it happen or work, I see it coming. I will put up with it for the longest time and then spacial distance will do the rest. good night.
as long as you can't share this other side with me. as long as you can't fucking tell me what's on your heart or mind, we can't be together. really. you didn't come in my world either but at least I tried to show you. and you make my beauty look ugly and ridiculous.
what has become of this love.......it's fighting this freaking vacuum.
and i am so scared for you. I hate this fucking drug world so bad, it's not funny. some people just shouldn't mess with that. and karma is karma, man! it is sth you can change. with your actions in the NOW. oh god.....i don't know. i like J______ but I don't like how she is creeping the shit out of me....how she is spinning this web over you. She is like a snake, smiling and being oh so fucking melancholic and cheered up by you. and you think you are the savior. hooray. finally something, that is due to you. happiness by you. wow. fuck thats so awesome. if that's what you need and want i won't stay in your freaking way. really. it makes me so sick.
maybe i am just tripping.
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