daddy's girl

I said Sean fits quite well into the pattern I;ve always fallen for. The scary thing is, he not only fulfils one category but three in the same time. Go figure.
as in my previous post i will copy here sth i wrote in a mail to my dear New Yorker friend because I feel like I was able to clearly see things while writing him....

you know what the problem with parents is? that no matter how they are, whether or not they are, it will always have a huge impact on your relationship-life.

and for girls of course their daddy plays an important role. and the way the mom handles guys and relationships.
i figured, that if your dad is too cool and too good it isn't that good either. read why.....

"pattern? hm yes. definetely something that dates back
to my childhood/parent thing. my dad is my best friend
and advisor and challenger in intellectual/spiritual
terms. his and my moms realtionship is based on a
spiritual/emotional connection first and then secondly
the physical part. i love and worship my dad very
much, sometimes i am worried by the fact that i always
need his consent when i am doing something. i am
really good in explaining and proving him that what i
do is actually the right thing to do and even though i
still would go for what i really want i would still
ask him just to know his opinion. for example, when i
was in a dire state of confusion when i had to decide
whether or not i should be together with Jasper, my ex
in berlin i was crying on the phone talking to my dad
explaining him that i am so confused and don't know
whether piranha actually can have a 'normal'
boyfriend and stuff and stuff....
after three daughters my dad must be trained in being
a good dad i guess. he just said 'piranha, just
allow yourself this emotional chaos'
i went for Jasper.
when i decided to break up with him i explained my dad
why and he understood immidiately and said 'see,
piranha, the relationship universe demands
sacrifice...your spirit however, seems to embrace the
future and the infinte possibilities of exploring the
universe out there and so you have the need to be free
from emotional bondage and go out there.....so you
have to follow that, there is no problem whatsoever
with that. nothing wrong about it. go and explore the
world first if you feel you need to do so.'

see, my dad is my number one reference for me and
sometimes i am worried whether i will ever be able to
find a guy who can live up to my dad. thats a very
common predicament i guess and i have had crushes on
people who are very much the contrary of my dad but i
would never seriously consider being with them for a
lifetime.
and thats why i am drawn towards Sean as opposed to
Keita and Luis, who are both really nice persons,
Keita would be a very very good and loving and caring
boyfriend, but he admires me too much. you know? i
need appreciation from a critical mind to feel
approved and good and seen, not the admirration of a
seeking mind. luis is very nice, we have chemistry and
shit, but he is boring. he actually has interesting
things to say but he smokes too much pot, i would be
bored so easily. i could use him for emotional lay
backedness you know, snuggeling up, kissing, making
love.....maybe ... ;-) but i would freak out thinking
to commit myself to any of them
i don't need a goody goody boyfriend. i am attracted
by Sean because he is hell of intelligent, sarcastic
at times, interesting to talk to.....and a challenge.
and probably the grant that i will be tragically in
love like always.

this is yet another pattern i guess. i always fall in
love with people i somehow know are too far away to
restrict me but interesting enough to give me the sense of tragedy
. pedro - drugs took him far away from me.
long live tragedy and tears late at night.
Nikki - lived in Austria, 10 hours train far away.
Jerome - lived 7 hours away by train, was 15 years
older and having lots of other girls. tragedy and
drama inclusive.
jasper - was too close. i quit. he was the first
boyfriend i had who actually treated me like a queen.
and i couldn't take it. wtf?
L.A. Williams. 15 years older, in love with this lady
from Switzerland, busy DJ, not available. yeah!
and now Sean, who is there at the cafe i hang out at
school, but busy with his company, not so easy to
approach, drawn to me and in the same time avoiding
me, challenging, critical, sense of adventure, but he
is also so far away. it is sort of a safety feature i
guess.

so i guess the pattern consists mainly of my dadthing,
that i am attracted by intellectual challenge and not
so much in the first place by physicalities (although
hugging Sean makes me feel very weak...but in fact, i
ahve more chemistry with luis and keita than with him!
and he seems to be very clumsy in a way.....) and the
safety feature thing, that he is actually not
available and far away. yeah and maybe this touch of
drama and tragedy too.....

so here we go.............he said he don't talk to me
anymore so much because he doesn't want to get into
trouble. when i asked him what kind of trouble he said
'german trouble'. stupid me didn't follow up on that
but it was a statement. so i guess i am happily
unhappy in love. or so......not that it could be
compared to what i felt with david from Zimbabwe. that
was a stroke out from the blue and i was actually
ready to do anything and change everything only for
him. god thanks he was in a relationship......"


you all know i wasn't really happy he was in a relationship but seeing as my life as it is right now it is clear, that a serious commitment would have cut my way severly. and maybe not in the best way....*sigh* (fuck you all 'i want the best for you"fuckers!)