you decide

you decide.
I will post here stuff that happened between me and Sean and you guys decide what it means. I am confused. He seemed to like me but then I wasn't sure and I am so freaking confused. Don't know whether i should make a move or leave it be.....So if you want to help a sister out here, any comments are very much welcome! (no, i am not a comment whore! it s just that right now I could use a critical, unconcerned mind very well to clear the smokes in my head)(man i hope i didn't say anything stupid. that happens often to me these days that i say sth and i think it means something in English but it happens to be just a whack translation of a German proverb...)

1. S. gives me a handmassage and is all in awe about how smooth my hand is, how unusual for a guitarist ('what? i don't play the guitar with my palms, darling!') and how much it excites him and that he has to leave now because otherwise he will get in trouble.

2. We hug each other to say good bye and I mention that you need like 8 hugs per day to feel loved (Jane said so) and he is like '8 orgasms' i say 'no, hugs are so much easier to get and give' he 'orgasms are easy to give, too, especially for girls. well, okay, you might be right, for guys it could be easier to give hugs, but not for all of us, some of us got skills, you know!' me (laughing) 'yeah, go ahead, why don't you put a shirt on that says 'i got skills' or sth like that to advertise yourself?'
he 'like you' me 'what?' he 'yeah, i couldn't help staring at your cleavage the whole day!' me *confused* i didn't know what to say except for 'you even didn't see me the whole day' what made him say 'i am only kiddin' yeah.

he is muslim. maybe i should have answered, yeah, should i were a veil or what? but luckily i didn't. he is not radical anyways, he didn't really follow his ramadan rules anyways.

2a. we are talking about the German poem that i promised him to teach him how to pronounce and i say to him 'but you have to sit down with me then, if you want to do that and not run away like always!' whereas he says 'oh i wouldn't mind lying down for that matter!...' and shit like that.


3. talking about las vegas. me, out of the blue, no clue why i said that 'can i marry you in Las Vegas?' he looked at me with this kind of 'are you kiddin get the hell out of here' look and said with a freaked out voice 'no, not with me, no marrying with me or that like!!!!'

oh i was joking.....calm down already!

3a. we are all hanging out at the green room and i get mad at him for some reason and he tries to make it up to me and calm me down, feels good actually when somebody tries to do that ;-) and later he says 'oh yeah, you are allright piranha, you chill. you are a good person'
yah. whatever

4. I touched a snake that somebody wore around his neck and Sean explains me i have to wash my hands because of salmonelles or what they are called like in English, before i touch me or especially him. Me "well i didn't want to touch you in the first place' but then i said 'oh no, actually i have to hold myself back all the time not to touch you'. when i said that he came over to me, really close and said 'are you being sarcastic?' after which i said 'no, actually that happens to me often that people think i am joking when i am actually being serious and honest! so i am being honest about that!' when i said that he looked at me with this killersmile and said 'i know, i believe you!' and i left......fucking coward that i am.
argh

5. me 'sean, i miss you, you don't talk to me anymore', he 'that because i want to stay out of trouble/don't want to get into trouble' i looked at him naively and asked 'what kind of trouble?' because i really wanted to know! and he just said 'German trouble', obviously he wanted to stress the fact that i would be subject matter of that kind of trouble.

the interpretations of that range from 'he s got a girl' (which would fit perfectly in the 'piranha-falls-always-for-that-sort-of-guys'pattern) to 'he is afraid of falling in love with you. bullshit.

6. i give him a goodbye hug and this time i make sure it is a good hug. he immediately goes like ' mmmmh, whats that, wow, you give nice hugs' stupid me just says 'i know'
aaargh. argh.

7. i ask him sth where i can buy what and shit and suddenly he gives me a really nice goodbye hug (that was shortly after #6 so maybe he got the taste now) and kiss on my neck. what in the f? i left, like that, puzzled, weak inside, i guess just running away yet another time. i could have said sth, no let him go, keep hugging him or whatever, but i left. I left! sick me. I always think he is in a hurry to somewhere but he actually hangs out a lot! I deserve that he spends time with me, I don't have to worry about him running to whereever he has to go! i can demand to be treated nicely. but i don't . i run instead.

it makes me sad and it fucking killed all my plans to give luis a shot. but it was luis who invited me to dinner tonight. and luis who gave me a nice hand massage and a loooong hug. and it was sean i was thinking about then. fuck you sean. fuck me... i mean. love me. i want to make love not fuck. fuck.