sad, on the other side of the moon...

there I sit, sad and at the verge of crying.
my face is sunburnt, my body worked out but I've looked into the abyss of grievance and saddness, desperation and deep emotional insecurity...nothing can really cover this feeling I have right now....
Best thing would be to sleep but I force myself to drag my tired body up again and do something. I feel guilty and most of all, like a stupid little fuck, a failure in the first place.
STOP!
Remind yourself that you freaking ARE yourself!
Remind yourself that you ARE NOT your sisters! None of them.
STOP!
You are okay, just make up your mind, quickly, to whose standars you want to live up to....

My heart feels heavy like concrete. Outside, in some of the others welfare housings somebody plays piano. My niece takes a shower. The fucking air conditioning never stops. This sound....In a couple of month I will probalby not hear it anymore....If I am still here then....

Slowly I flip through my stuff I brought along. A letter falls into my hands. I look at it. It is from 2001. From a guy who liked me and I didn't get it really. The one who instigated the idea in me to actually DO graffiti and not only talk about it. When I told him about the impact he had on my life he was very surprised. But this is the past.
A deep sigh.
Photos.
Tears dwell up in my eyes. Postcards.
Ah, such a wonderful thing. Postcards. Remind me of the past, of times I forgot, well, not forgot, but just wasn't aware of.
L___. My favorite cousin. Dreamy eyes, manly, in the nature....He taught me how to drive back in 1999, on dusty, dark roads in France....I was so excited, I was so young, so adventurous and full of ideals and ideas. Enthusiasm....I worshipped him...
He was the one who told me that he thinks that all the drugs he did seriously harmed him in a way that they prevented him from achieving what he could have achieved otherwise....the one who insisted on his claim that nobody needs to go through that shit in order to understand that....the one who affirmed my natural declination against drugs.....luckily....

Iljana. My first 'long distance' friendship. Still friends. Russia 1998. The whole tent with her stuff burnt down. We in the plains...writing poetry...feeling deeply, almost 15 years old....ahhh, so young, but we felt so alive. Acrobatics in the middle of nowhere.....singing 'winds of change', having plans, loving Joan Baez, Mercedes Sossa, Tango...and of course all about boys.... :)

The three postcards, which, held together, show the photo of a beautiful black guy, black white photography, three postcards from my dear friend Elissa who does not understand but loves my 'black soul'. That was during Abitur, our final year...we shared our sorrows and joys with each other...I was there when she was sick in her little room and cured her and she witnessed the whole fucked up story with Mr. Asshole. Being drunk in the little chalet at T.Berg, studying for the final English Exam....watching romantic, hopelessly romantic movies...Chris and my sister suddenly dropping by, attaching sleds to the VW van, sliding through the silent snowy village....
Sitting in the couch after the first big maths exam...drinking white wine, a pattern of sunlight and shadows woven into the air, painted on our faces....her jokes, our little fights, our being different and our love....her quitting cigarettes and me starting....her devotion to a relationship, my running away....our love....

A postcard. Again. South Africa, Lammergeyer, Drakensberg. Thomas, my dear, dear beloved friend. Climbing red rocks. His unique laughter. Cuddled-through nights....a long good bye walk along the Rhein...sitting in a willow tree and sharing depths....with each other....he in berlin, helping me with my final installation.....being there, just there.,....and us both, realizing "what a good friend!" and nothing more...glad we found out....glad you are there.....you are important..you study environmental studies....ah.

The sunflower card, a photo of two breathtakingly beautiful girls. Ladies. L___ and S_____. too long a story, too good two friends to put into words. silence is golden, talking is piranha....

Two black rock'n'roll dancers. a secondshot, a moment captured forever. the joy carved in stone. Iljana knows how to choose the right postcard....

Two african warriors. Dignity, pride, humbleness all in one expression. Straightness. In the case it is a word. Beauty.
Iris was in Kamerun for a year but she knew alreayd years before how to make Pirnaha a beautiful birhtday card. because we share our love and interest for the world. And our care....

A little aborigine girl with blond hair from australia.
'to you'
the postcard says. my sister A. is from a fairy tale...

Pedro. As a kid. Eyes, so trustful and caring, and tender and full of anticipation. Tears in my nose. Oh Pedro. Oh pedro. I loved you so much and I guess I still do. Why did you let drugs ruin your body and soul and mind. Why did you let this happen. Why didn't you assume the responsibility for your life yourself....Why, why why????

My cousins and my sisters and my brother, back, way back when I was a kid, performing a little comedything for my granddads 69's birthday. My face radiating like a little nuclear bomb., such a joyful expression, so lively, so lovely, so adorable. I love my little enthusiastic, idealistic, initiative and daring piranha back then. oh and i miss her terribly. she knew waht she wanted, much to the contrary now......

Borbeth. sitting in Estonia in the middle of a field. A guitar next to her, bread that she just baked to her left, writing songs....she is one fine woman. one friend like you won't find many....
right the next photo is H. on the roof of the house we built in Estonia for the streetkids. His muscles playing with the sunlight.....I love them both so much and I am so happy they are now together....
Me and my sister in Munich doing acrobatics in front of a spring....just for five minutes, before hurrying to the train... :) aaah, beautiful days.....2004.......after a youthconference that filled us with courage to do something in this world.....

My dad and my two full sisters....and me....when I was maybe two yeras old.....what a picture....what a life......we were loved kids, thats for sure......

A collage that my boss of world vision made of photos of me and her. colour ful, snapshots. we loved each other, the time we wasted at our job. and she is from bolivia and studying law, as well. and maybe maybe i ll do that too....

Timo. And me. Black white. He is such a fragile angel. I am afraid I was to harsh with him. I wonder why he loves me so much. Maybe he even doesn't anymore... three days him visiting and we were behaving like an old couple.... :) tzntzn....

Three little boys in Soweto.....Julia, my courageous and daring friend, working for a year in an AIDS orphans home.
she is one human being that sparkles around so the rest of us can see....


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seeing all this, being reminded of all these wonderful people and moments in my life...and many more.....I realize that the most imporatant thing in life is really friendship.
And what you experience with them. sitting in front of a tv with a friend is not what I would choose for a lifetime...

but in the end it comes down to friendships again and again, and meeting beautiful human beings and being creative together.

And thats where I stop.

And see: I want to live up to MY standards. And the do NOT contain fame and money, even not for the so called right reasons. Of course you can do more and stuff when you have money and a name, but then again, I don't want to get this so badly that I would do anything for it. I don't.
I will do what I have to do but I always want to live up to my friends. our friendships. our love....