insights: LOVE MAKING vs. HAVING SEX

sometimes writing somebody has a very liberating effect. as you try to explain something to somebody and you genuinly try to make a sense out of what you are feeling, thinking, saying, you suddenly realize yourself things that you wouldn't have realized in a mere stat of self-reflection.
this is what i discovered today while writing my New Yorker guy (the one i stayed with but didn't make out with in the end although we got so close on an emotional and spiritual/intellectual level)

ps. i am worried most though by the fact that i had
sex twice here in LA with two different guys and both
times it was sex. i guess i shouldn't feel bad about
it and see it as a necessary step to tackle my fears
in the first place and practice a little, but the
bigger challenge is that love making. i think i am
most of all afraid of that. maybe i am afraid of
losing all my walls and breaking down and just cry and
cry and cry. that wouldn't be too good either, would
it. maybe i am dramatizing that right now, maybe i am
over analyzing, but it just crossed my mind like that.
i am very much afraid and fragile and vulnerable when
it comes to love making. and this was, by the way a
prime reason for me not to sleep with you because we
were so close on a emotional and spiritual level. i
can handle sex, you know, never see the guy again, i
don't need the security and trust of him caring for me
later on too, because i have learned to stand on my
own feet and get along in this world alone. but when i
make love i need to know the guy won't let me down.
and that i actually do want to be with him.
when it comes down to sex chemistry is extremely
important and i actually do enjoy sex and exploring
myself in that. i couldn't have sex with random
people, thats for sure. just for the fun of it....but
when there is a time that i feel i can and want to go
for it i will....
but i am aware of the fact that i can't do that for a
very long time because at one point i will have to
fucking tackle my fears about love
making.............to close the gap and discrepancy
between my sex and love life....
anyways, those were just second thoughts....

love

piranha