well, i wanted to, but it didn't work, right now at least i can't get any deeper and more profound and more scarier and darker than i managed to up to now, and yeah, i see myself that i walk in shallow water....
hm. I am piscies, i mean, i was born into the star sight of piscies and fuck, I am meant to be able to swim at the surface AND down in the depths of the ocean! but hell, what am i swearing here, it;s not of such great importance after all. talk your walk has always been one of my favorite sayings and i guess the worst thing i can say about myself is, that i have succcessully deceived myself in the past that i actually managed to do so.
just imagine, what it must feel like to sit in senior class highschool, social sciences, politics. the prof points on you and says, with a cunning and threatening voice: "Piranha, would you please explain us this issue?"
he and you know exactly and very well that you didn't listen to what he was saying throughout the whole class and that the amount of work you put in for this class at home equals zero.
his smile is sly and so are you. however, within three minutes you explain the questions away, wild but calculated mimics and gesticulations included, - the lazy knows where to place energy to be efficient.
pause.
the prof looks at you and asks you in a polite manner: "Piranha, have you ever considered becoming a politician?"
your friends giggle, they know you've just put him on your personal red list. (well, see, no, i did never have such a list. i had lists about guys i was in love with, ordered per degree of love i felt for them, but i never was consequent and actually had a red list for people i dispised or wanted to punish for being assholes. i am just talking. and not walking) with genuine passion and disgust you exclaim: "jesus christ, no, that is the LAST thing I would ever want to do!"
"why is that? you would make a brilliant politician (yeah, yeah, rubb the salt deeper into the wound, come on, come on, ) you have the rhetoric skills, the charism and eloquency that is needed (oh yeah, and then he added 'and appearance' and that is when i definitely had to breath in and out ten million times in order not to jump up and explain him, in front of the whole class how much he looked like a motherfucking studentfucking weirdo who bothered the sister of my best friend over a year because she didn't return his love. yeah. and this motherfucker ate in breaks only 3 almonds. and ran marathons and drove like i don't know, like 1 000 miles on his bike per month. he looked like a freaking ghost, at this moment he was doing a zerodiet for healths sake. appearance? what, you think you can judge by appearance? ha! I ve freaking spend one year studying the different theories and practices that exist on FACE reading and yeah, I've learnt SOMETHING! and your face, you studentfucking raving political conscience, you anorexic piece of hypocrisy tells me that.....that....ahhh, you think you can say something about ME HAVING THE R I G H T APPEARANCE TO BE A MOTHERFUCKING POLITICIAN????....well, but i digress, i am sorry....ahm, usually that doesn't happen to me, but you see, it IS a sensitive issue, after all.,..)
"I couldn't care less, I don't want to compromise"
"good point, piranha, it is still amazing how you could explaing that in THREE minutes, and it was brilliant, really, I am sure nobody understood what you were saying, but thats anyways the goal of any politician, isn't it...."
"--"
the bell rings, relief.
fast forward a few months. your lazy ass has passed the final exams with bravour, yeah, third best of the whole year is a proud ahm, thing? to be. yeah. especially because it is an lazy ass that got there. so yeah, move on, call your best friend, you are OUT of school, life starts, lest discuss the real dramatic issues of our lifes. for example, where should we go to, what should we do? nepal? south america? you dream but the dragon picks up the phone.
'hi, is lena there?'
"oh, hiiiiii (slime) Piranha!!!! (oh, why, you sound so happy to hear me? don't i interrupt one of your halfday long chitchats on the phone with one of your friends? no sighs that you have to look for her? that you have to drag your fat ass up the stairs to bring her the phone? well.....i guess i have to leave her the right to act happy that we got out of school. i mean, it s not her fault that she is a stepdragon that spoiled all the fun of visiting my best friend....arg, i digress again, i feel like on the couch already, it just pours out of me...pardon me...i move on!)
'ahm, yeah, it s me, ahm is..."
"soooo, (slime) (glurps, not that MUCH SLIME pleas....grluppss..) what are you going to do now, hmmmmm?"
"ahm, I am.." "don't you want to become a politican maybe?"
WTF? is that conspiracy? fuck you you you you and you! aaaargh, "LEEEENA!" "what?" "ahm, I just wanted to ask whether lena is at home, and no, actually i'd rather not become a politican" "oh, why not (slime slime slime, could you maybe just, i mean, little adjustments. start with the intonation maybe, i wouldn't feel this irresistable urge to throw up anymore. or the tone of your voice, maybe, yeah, that d be a good starting point...)" "hm, you know, I want to become a, ahm, a fat CEO and yeah, hijack the system from, ahm, you know. within. the belly. jona and the whale, hahaha" "ehehe" so. "so! is lena there please"
finally she handed me the phone over, but dear friends, imagine the distraction and confusion and frustration and desperation. despair? well anyway, just the ATION, and ION and all the big nouns that can discribe my utter disbelief for the matter of facts being thrown in my face?
so where did we start again, i mean, where did I, naturally, I....how could i forget. well, where did i start? walk your talk. exactly. and deceiving oneself, and realizing that one did so.
the revulsion i feel for the profession of politics has certainly to do with the compromising. because i like to think that i am not a compromising person. matter of fact, however, i AM THE DIPLOMAT> period. I am the third out of a package of four and the forth out of a package of five, and heck, exactly, it doesn't mean really anything, but i am the baby girl and i've been there, seen that and decided not to DO it. IT? nope, i am not yet speaking of sex again. I mean, fighting. argueing. yelling, crying, smashing doors, hating. I saw my sister do that one time too often. I decided I wouldn't want to go through the same shit. I decided to gain trust and live a happy life. manipulativ, if you will, or just intelligently, if I may, or just, justified maybe. but at any rate diplomatic. I don't need to get ONE thing. I can look at things from one too many sides and too many perspectives and adjust to the situation and still be happy. great huh? yeah, the catch is, that this doesn't make me really a person that is known for running through walls, if I may use a German proverb here. the head is missing. okay, i mean, running through walls with your head. satisfied? right. okay. COMPROMISING. that is. it has its good and bad sides, don't tell me, i know them all.
now, why so upset? lets go deeper. hypocrisy. talking and not walking. FUCK YOU ALL ARGH< YOU BUSHES< WOODS and woods of politicians who kiss asses to find their own little EL Dorado. just, why don't you all join in a nice, fine orgie of analfucking in los angeles. yeah, here, why not here. come here, here is the right place for hypocrisy, shallow talking, convincing people by talking and acting and keeping empty inside. that is the right place, and god, it hurts! I mean, it hurts when I look at the beauty of the place, and with disgust and physical pain in my body have to realize that this must have been a sacred place once but long before....
yeah, and come here, join in your a-fuck and dig there, deep, maybe you'll find gold, and if it is not shining and shimmering it still might be just the black gold. ya know, BLACK. GOLD. eat your gas, inhale it, dig your dick out and inhale it! and then just , evaporate, please, just for me and my little nasty phantasies, that would really turn me on.
so, okay, did i digress? you know, one thing is funny. when we want to say someone is digressing in German, we say, he is going into the bush. yeah. haha.
well, so, if you think you are someone who walks their talks and you find out you are actually not, and the reason why it took you so long to realize it (but wait, i did realize that before! i just checked in my diaries! god, what ingenious invention such a nasty diary! it tells you straight in your face that you were just circeling yet again. aargh. okay, matt! i am done! i don't give up, but you areright, it s written, black on white.,...jesus, how annoying....) is that you are such A MOTHERFUCKING GREAT, ELOQUENT, RHETORICAL BRILLIANT, SKILLED, CONVINCING TALKER!. Now, my sister would tell me straight, that i suck. but see, i am not a native speaker, I did not live in LA for 8 years, I am not SUPPOSED to be a great talker here yet, let alone, a convincing one, otherwise I would really have issues, i mean, then it would really be time for me to go and check whether i d maybe should join the ranks of ingenious people in the mad house! that d be fun, but hey, wait a minute okay!
so did you see my point? being a mothetr..ahm, i won't use that word again, i promise okay? so...let me think of...yeah, here we go, a nice russina one, nobody will know what it means and i will feel fine anyway....so, being a jui, a JUI (J=pronounce like 'J' in the spanish "juan") talker, of whom people frequently friendly demand to become a politican. (Yeah, right! ...oh, don't get me started...) is a great ordeal for me, because it helps me to disguise from myself the bitter facts about my sorry ass. in this case, NOT walking my talk as much as I want to. not 'would like to', really WANT to! but tomorrow will be another daily life day and I will make myself busy with a trilliad of things that will conceal from me my true convictions and wants.
that leads me to the last point, it is not only about being deceiving of myself, not walking my talk but actually talking me into the belief that i am doing allright with it the way it is right now, it is also about convictions and making a stand.
now, people who know me will shake their head now and say:"BUT piranha, calm down, you are the one who stood up for us so many times, or for what you wanted. you got your way so many times! you founded this greenpeace youthgroup when you were, like, what? 11? see! isn't that GRRREAT?" fraaaah. bla. blah. yeah, I CAN make a stand, and dear, that exactly IS the criminal part about it! I CAN AND I DON"T. aargh. it s so frustrating.
when I was younger I obviously didn't use my head so much but rather my heart. and thats when i stood up for many things, i reacted, and acted, and when i got older, i must've been in my late teenies, at some point i decided i need more knowledge before i do anything anymore. i need to understand more in order to do better and more things. but it seems to take ages, it seems so endless right now to me, and i am so freaking afraid, that a bad habit will result of it, and i am even more afraid of this being just a nice little dramatic funny text and me enjoying writing it and nothing will result of it. it is a vicious circle, it is! i don't know. but the problem is really, that i feel i cannot take sides as easily anymore, as i could right now with my teacher. see, back then i wouldnt' even have THOUGHT sth like i just wrote about him. i understood BOTH sides to the problem. jesus! I am so freaking multiviewed.
and the reason why i brougth this all up is that my sister had a crisis today and when i tried to talk to her she screamed at me and said: "and you, you are just llike a stuffed doll! you could have stood up for me! you know that i am busting my ass all the time, you know all these things, and you didn't say A WORD when x and y put me down!"
now, matter of fact, i didn't THINK that they put her really down, matter of perspective right? but sure, a Mam and wife will perceive things more sensitively than a stuffed out sister doll. *sadly grinning*. and, the worst thing, while sitting there and all that happen I even thought: "wow, maybe i just have to maker HER strong, because that is obviously the key to the happiness in this house. just always protecting HER" and then this insult, it was touch, ladies and g'men, it was tough.
and thats why i think today again, man, i wish i could take a side and actually make a stand for it. and believe it. and be convinced. and not wait for the analysis to arrive from the labatory but actually fight.
other, than a nasty ugly ass hypocritical slimy, compromising and losing politician.
----------------------------
ps i like nelson mandela despite my despising the rest of the crowd. and despite him having his own share of political dirt under his cover....
oh, and
pps - thanks to my cursed out 'multiviewedness' (nice word, ha? :-)) I can see, of course the good point about the incident with my sister and my whole situation here, too! that is: LEARNING to make a stand and choose a side QUICKLY. i mean, faster than usual maybe. and, even though i might still have objections and seeing the points of the other.
ah, that will be difficult but necessary. and good for me guess, and probably fun in the end.
you know, honestly, in an argument or so i can, of course, make a stand and hold a certain view, but i will most likely always explain you in the end, that i just hold this position because nobody else would have and this side would have been lost in the course of the battle...and that my true convictions are somewhat less defined and more heart oriented than with rational arguements.....
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