dark moon #2

i know most of the bloggers who read this are american. and i figured out quite quickly, that sexual matters are not handled here in the same way as back home. funny, considering how the whole sex selling thing seems to come from the very place i am at right now...hollywood....but i guess i am an ignorant ahm, motherfucker (would you use that in that situation? sorry bout the choice of words, i am not a native speaker....) about that, because i guess i am wrong, but at least thats what stuck in my head which already speaks for itself, because i am sure there are many many more who think the same way....so at least it s an illusion we all like to believe over there in ol'europe. the old world.... ;-)

so, having introduced my second confession like this i guess all of you know now that i am actually going to talk about sexual issues. and not in a way that would be probably appropriate to speak about in public here. on blogs, yeah, and all that shadow places you have to store your perversions to, but not on the street i guess...people were surprised about how openly i talk about sex and hell, it raises a lot of problems, because everybody thinks then, that i am an easy girl because of that. i am not, damn, i am easy to talk about it. but thats another topic...so back to this....
ahh, thats painful, it s already a little further beyond my surface i like to scratch on...(and you know what, i also found it very astounding how little scratching on my surface is needed to make me oh so freakin interesting and amazing over here. oh, gosh, i had a guy falling in love with me so desperately and what not, i changed his life, dammit, and i don't want to joke about it because thats of course a serious matter and i respect his feelings, but the conversation we had was great, GREAT! but it wasn't something, ahm, new or lets say, rare for me, cuz I can have this type of connection and conversation with ALL my friends over there! and it didn't change my life, sorry, but thats not a reason for me to think you are THE man for me, ya know? i was happy I met him, cuz thats what i was starving for...a meaningful, exciting conversation, but i was starving for it, because i was missing it from back home! not from my entire life.....)
okay, back to my original intention. the sex issue. it s short and sweet and nothing really wrong with it, but it s definitely something i don't talk about ever, and hide it well beneath my carpet....and remember, i wanted to take it slow....the dragging out of the dark things so they could die. and what i want to die about this thing is not the fact for itself, the doing, ya know, but the feelings i have about it...and the am, invisibility i added to it.

curious? haha. well, see, writing this i just figured that maybe sexual issues are for A REASON private and in the dark. cuz it s none of your business at all.
ah, anyways, poof. i just gonna write about it and be happy that i did it once and i actually wrote something about it in my very first posts but bla, see i am trying to change the subject..prolong the moment i am going to confess.to whom? why so?
don't know. i guess i find out...

and as i am someone who learns and knows things by trying them out (as opposed to a very good friend who actually sticks to his principals and convictions he figured out in his head...i can't do that. i need to KNOW with my hands...haha, here we go, thats a good introduction....

so okay, allright, i am only 22 years old, you might all laugh about me already, especially you guys...but for women it s different. it s more of a taboo to speak about masturbating.

so somewhen it started and bla, and there were times i needed it really badly. and i just thought what bad stuff i could write down here, embarrassing moments, stuff i hate and so on, and for sure the embarrassing bit is to think about where i masturbated already.

man, i think i really have issues with sex in general. arg, that sucks. man, man...oha. so, i admit i had cybersex. and its just so way beyond anything i ve ever thought i d do and like you know, i am just not that typa person. i am a real person, cs is just so fucked up stupid. but i did. poor guy, he probably even didn't get hard by the time i came already. it s just that phantasies and imagination can do so much to me. they get me really far, further than with many a time i had real sex.
allright.
okay, one thing that is probably sick in a way is that i even masturbated one day i a public restroom in a restaurant. matter of fact, i started touching myself while sitting at the table. there were hardly any people around and the waiter couldn't hopefully see what i was doing, cuz of the shape of the table and my bag and what not.
when i think of it now it s all so sick. but then, in the moment i was going for it it was exciting and i didn't have one second thought about it. i just wanted to do it. so there we go.
i also did it in a train while the people in my cabin were sleeping. oh my god. *blush* i seriously hope nobody who knows me really, except for you mira, reads this. fuck. thats sorta stupid. aaah,, i literally feel pain of embarrassment in my body right now. it aches somewhere above my chest and somewhere in my throat. o lord. stupid.
okay, but who is going to tell me that this is perfectly allright? ya all do it? am i sick? stupid? okay? i don't know. maybe i even do't wanna know and nobody wanna tell me, cuz again, it s a private thing and nobody else;s business.
all in all i had a lot of hot sex with myself. the phantasies are just running wild then. and in the end of the day, when you are longing for love you feel stupid. and sad. because, one day i figured that the good feeling that comes after it is the same feeling i get out of doing a lot of sports. the very same thing. and making love adds something deeper to it, and you can't anymore compare it to sports. thats what i think after all

also, i don't get tired but actually a lot fitter afterwards. there is the climax and ten or twelve seconds later i can jump up and get going. and totally not understand why i needed to do it, and why i wanted it, and hell, when i think of my phantasies then, they seem fucking weird and senseless to me. thats it. the loving, enthusiastic, life embracing piranha has strange issues. nobody to love really, i mean for a relationship, no deep romantic loving, but stupidly getting friendly with her hands...
*sigh*

and, remember, thats only one step deeper than the surface. i am freaking paranoid about thinking about the rest.(no, not only sexual matters, dude, don't let YOUR phantasy go wild now!!! its ugly, i say, UGLY!)

piranha