ps

ahhh, thats so funny and strange. i am lost in my thoughts, reading my previous post and suddenly i realize that this lady is totally moaning and sighing in the other room. i see her hand move and bow and bend and moaning like wow. i think, damn, does he fix her right there? i mean, wow, does she get just a good fix right there? man! i mean, is she like at the brink of orgasm? yurk, yooyoolooloo, argh, that makes piranha of course jealous like hell. hahahhaha. okay but he can't be better than his golden wonderful aaah such a good nice big bath tub he has. so his bath, that is a different story of a different like, man, dang, that was a trip, but yeah lets not talk about that right now. this lady has a dog who is smaller than a cat. damn. in the good old days we had. like. DOGS. you know?
doggy style. wasn't really popular either then. ah, but always good. okay, so as we have passed the sexual references thing let me get to the point for a change: i see them there. fall back into the puddle muddle of my thoughts, wake up again, like oof, there is another reality and seh laughs like a sirene, shrieking sort of, hahaha, lalala, and then i see her there again, moving and moaning and i think dand DANg and then i try to think or feel about whether that could turn me out. i mean, isn't that like hilarious and great that this guy who can have any model beauty, that this guy with like the most impeccable girlfriends ever, is fixing this 56 year old hippie l;ady?
but then, again, he could also just have massaged her. when i looked into the mirror, at least, i saw her getting a massage on her chair and then when i glance back into reality everything was back, twisted, the love making, so groundbreaking

it s like a lot of layers of reality
one
after the other
other

everybody wants to get stoned

i've spent the whole day type writing the script of my artist and piscies soul mate which he'll maybe call
'I'am Bob Dylan'......
and now i sit in a candle lit hippieske warm appartment. in the appartment of the girl the whole movie will be about. it's basically her life story and boy, am i stoned right now. i think i am a 'one hit wonder'. I took one hit and i am so fucking stoned right now. the appartment seems to turn upside down, clockwise. i here the clicks of davids camera as he takes photos of her in her kitchen, the internetradio talks and they do to and the candles twinkle dinkel hehe.
very nice movies and ....says the reporter. a curtain with bellies, just about half fast midnight cool lets drive in the middle of it going through moonday. supposrt. doldaodal alles alles leute sagen alles. single. stay close/ take pictures of me, jsut doing myself.
okay enough of that snapshotting, retracing of reality. lets forget the ipod they are advising for. how esxhausting. so many noises. i never had a conversation with my father. shrieky laughter.
thats the title of the movie, thats what she just said
my fingers clumsy, the guitar rhtymic the cello tensened, oh and i have a very dry mough. mouth. i turn around and see myself in the mirror. gosh, these eyes. glasy. just as those eyes i have seen and hated so much back in the years. when i used to love pedro. or the love used me to pedro. or pedro used love to me. or against me? hm. pot oh pot was the reason then. and talking - that still works. it s just like 'hey, why don't they realize that i am so fucking stoned? so fucking bob dylan?
it s totally weird, really. my head feels like, yeah it feels like it is filled half way with water and this water swaps up and down in it. i don't see very clearly. like with from the back of my eyes. and my blood pumps in my neck. and my forehead is so presentand the back of my head too and i smell hash. or is it marihuana? or is that the same anyways?
lalala. god. okay, thats embarrassing i guess i just stop here

maybe i should just try to jam so i know what it s like to jam stoned. like, how they taught him to jam. and he promised me not to somke pot again. and there we go i just got myself stoned. so who are we to blame, to point, to complain? to shame? blame fame game?

i say we are god forsaken
or maybe just a little bit forbaden
gaden maden saden. laden baden maden raden faden gaden laden laden laden.

strange huh?

alalalalalala

perspective is so different and so much the urge to speak german after all. yah. ohhhh and i want to love and eat and love. love love.

paint me paint me paint me

So I paint words on the bleak wall of his ego
Like a canvas it inspires me when it s plain and empty

sometimes I wonder whether you see, you see me?

So I scream, I vandalize and all you do
is to call the graffiti removal services

sometimes I wonder whether you can see, see me?

The words linger in the air not long they last
dust settles down as the caravan pasts
dropping down like liquid rainbows
puddle muddle away it flows

sometimes I wonder whether you can see me through these glasses, can you see me?

I guess I am not the first to claim that our love is impeccable, ah, so immaculate.
I know I am not the first to claim that this is more than anything before, ah, so special
I am not the first one to be disappointed when - relationship work kicks in.

late night depressions curl my thoughts
like what did people do without cellphones?
sinking stones compete in slow motion
I wish I could break those words into letters again

Did you hear, hear me through the dust?
Did you see me, see, beyond lust?

puddle muddle liquid phrases wash away
all the pain that I claim
all the nonsense that puts me to shame
all the weird illusions like camels in a desert

Did you hear, hear me through the dust?
did you see me, see, beyond rust?

I don't claim to be the first to have though my love to be impeccable, ahhh so immaculate
I don't claim to be the first to have loved
I don't claim to be the first to be disappointed when -relationship work kicks in

Ah but I wonder, did you ever see, see me?

Walled off get rid of this ego
ah, transformation is so full of blunt suffering
paint me
paint me
paint me
all over my body


I

procrastination is not good when you deal with cancer

I planned on writing him this wonderful letter, send him CD's and photos and now he is gone.
Monday, European Time, my dear Godfather has left us. And I sit here in Santa Monica and ponder on life, death and the inbetween. There is more to life than death. For me at least, it goes sort of without saying that it doesn't end right there. I believe that those who leave the physical world will hear or feel us when we talk to them in our mind.
Still - it is such a heavy feeling of regret that weighs my heart down. Procrastination is not good when you deal with people who have cancer.
Intimidation should never hold you back from expressing what is in your heart. Intimidation mingled with ego is the worst. Don't think about yourself so much, about whether or not it is good or not in case you do that. As long as it doesn't harm anyone go ahead! People can decide for themselves whether or not they like your letter or gift or whatever. Leave it up to them, give them a chance.

RIP ROLF. You've been a great person in my life and with all the things I have done wrong maybe, I still am happy that I've known you and I will try to learn my lesson.

IN LOVE

Piranha

about piscies . lmao

So, you were wondering why I write so much all the time???
read this. geez

: The glorious Piscean imagination, their marvelous elfin tumor and the Neptunian sense of beauty can create the most delicate, yet eternally lasting prose and poetry

The fish was born with the desire to see the world through rose-colored spectacles. He knows well enough about the seamy side of humanity, but he prefers to live in his own watery, gentle world, where everyone is beauti–ful and all actions are lovely.

When life dumps him with a splash-a real belly-smacker-into a stagnant river of dismal failure and hopeless conditions, instead of leaping out of the murky danger, he's more inclined to hide behind his pale green illusions which keep him from making practical decisions. The rejected Pisces is too inclined to face the ugliness of failure by deepening his false hopes, when a determined switch of course or some new, forceful action might shower him with real, instead of imaginary, success.

The Pisces writer may be tempted to lounge for years in bars, telling himself he's gathering material, when he's really just gathering moss and unpaid bills. The Pisces artist who can't get the patronage he seeks may stroll through the park, day after day, mumbling into his beard that he's studying nature as a background for his great masterpiece, while his paint brushes gather dust. Where is the angel who will support him while he splashes canvases with glory? The Piscean woman, left alone, with just enough fixed income to keep a roof over her head and a little seaweed in the cupboard, will tend to dream away the hours, tenderly remembering yesterday, hazily hoping for tomorrow, and wasting the bright sunlight of today. The actor, composer, musician-you fill in the i stories.


HAHAHAHAHA. writer's blog? a block? hahaha. ahm. my paintbrushes gather dust. and i am sitting here, wasting my time away writing medicore shit on a blog instead of practicins my ass of for guitar.

FUCK

hahahahaha



. Now that you understand all that, is it any wonder that your Pisces friends are a bit of a puzzle at times, not to mention being outright kooky odd balls on occasion?

interesting, interesting...statistics experienced first hand...

"Women connect to their sex partners, and to their children, due to ahormone called oxytocin. Women secrete this hormone during orgasm, and while breast feeding. " (this is an excerpt of the article I have linked this post to, click on the title!)

Well, well, too bad, oxytocin. fuck oxytocin, it doesn't fit into my desires of how reality should be.
In my reality I am eternally happy with Dan the man, sexual monogamy, intellectual polygamy, yeah the good old stuff.
But, dang, see what happened:

I am hanging out with Guiseppe, my friend that Dan can't stand (yeah that rhymes!) but I have lamented enough about that, so I won't get into that. Innocently getting my hair brushed by another friend I sit there and enjoy being 'on the road' (at the sidewalk of Hollywood Blvd at Guiseppe's car that is...) and the tea I drink...
And suddenly Jay walks by. Jay! My lover from man, ages ago it seems, before I decided for Dany, you know that guy I woke up with one morning and had Eddy and Dany call me and all that. The guy who almost passed out when my period played a trick on me and came back when we made love... The beautiful alpha animal guy who I had 70-80 % ARGUMENTS with and the rest of the time good . yeah. love making I guess and good conversations about Erikah Badu's lyrics and music, god and life.
I jumped up, like REALLY happy to see him, gave him a hug and man, he was happy to see me.
'I was never going to tell you Piranha, he said, 'but I missed you, man I missed you...'
I've been thinking of him just recently, thinking i should just check and see how he is doing, how his music is doing and all that. I am not the kind of person who erases people out of her life.
We both had this sense of regret and affection while talking to each other. Dang. MAN. wheeew.
It blew me completely away. Brainfucked.
Fuck OXYTOCIN!
There are feelings of attachment and regret that it didn't work out with us, because, if I had only wanted to, it would have...He was up for it, I know that. fuck.
So whats up with frickin OXYTOCIN??? With these overswapping feelings?
It is what it is he said and I know he is right.

Is it wrong to have a sense of regret??? Although you are really in love with your boyfriend? Or is that a bad sign?
Who is the one to tell me???

by the way, everything is good now with Dany and me, this fucking text message was for his cousin who is gay and his paretns can't know about it...So whatever, I trust him really so thats all good. It's like, man I am not the first one to be bothered when the relationship work kicks in! but i am really willing to work! it's cool!

It's like, man, I ve been alone - practically - for 22 years or so.

and dang, was it good to see Jay. Jesus. FRick Frick Frickin fate. life. too funny. strange, tragic, fascinating, confusing. freak!!!

-------

Oh and there was shooting going on, today at 5 AM RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSE. great. helicopter, SWAT team all there, we couldn't bring the boys to school because our van was right in front of the car from which the gangsters (that is our neighbors) shot this police man. Great. Great neighborhood. We should get the fuck out of there.
welcome in Los Angeles. And don't tell me Santa Monica is a great area to live at. Not where we are. They sometimes stick like stuff under our bumper. great. My sister freaks out, righteously. fuck drugs. they make people inhumane. they make people lose their morals and common sense. fuck them. anally with a huge dick please.

oh and about this article i linked you guys up....it s just interesting. it s somewhat strange for me to read about culture wars and shit, but thats probably the harsh reality out there, outside of my connecting and enthusiastic, inflammable mind.

it's like 'FUCK YEAH'

It's like 'FUCK YEAH, I made the mistake!
I mean, like, 'FUCK FUCK, never look at the text messages somebody else wrote him'

ya know

ya, ya all know, i know...

how close light and darkness are. inseparable

Lets go to a Motel. We bought candles and condoms, orange juice and snickers, he said he feels like fuck I would like to get high and I also would like to kill somebody.
Softness pours out of every inch of my heart. There is darkness in each of us we all have to deal with it. Somehow.
I took his hand and smiled.
Later after we had had a beautiful erotic and romantic bath together, he pressed against the wall a little later, we lost in the rhythms of eternal attraction, love making, sweet sweet love. touch me. feel me. make me feel special. make me feel real. He turns to the G4, looking for music, skipping songs just like I hate it, getting lost in memories - mostly sad ones he says - and my aching body, soul abandoned on the sheets, so clean, so soft, so wonderful.
just hang out with me, he begs, just don't be sad. I say be with me, I feel like you ignore me. I think why don't you take me in your arms? I am sad but you could make me feel better....
Where in the delicate balance lingering there in the air was my part? Should I have seduced my lover? The dream and desire to be desired, to be overwhelmed, to be treated like I feel I deserve it overshadows any motivation. I rest, turn around. My eyes fill up with tears, the candles burn down slowly, slowly.
Two stubborn people clashing in silence.
He falls asleep. The candles light the scenery in warm warm colours. I see myself in the big mirror on the wall. I am shortsighted, I only see like through pastell. A beautiful girl, a beautiful body with long hair, sad eyes. A beautiful boy lying next to her knees, curly hair mingled with the blanket, long eye lashes throwing long shadows on his face. My beautiful gypsy...
I sit there and stare and stare, lost, somehow lost, until tears roll down my cheeks, quietly, secretely. I can't be again the one to make it up, to act as if it was allright and reach out to him. I am so tired of that. So tired.

Mama!!!
A little sob lifts my chest. I glide down off the bed, slip into my jeans and training jacket, without underwear, barefeet, look for the roomkey, my money, his phone because mine is dead, and go to buy an international calling card. 10 $. While waiting I read his text messages, the ones I sent him, the ones he sent me, the ones of...
of...
*sighs heavily*
fuck. who is that chick??? 'i want to be with you for ever man!' 'hey sweetie' 'what how can you sleep while i am stressing?'
nothing really to bother, too ambigious, too vague. But it stabs me right there where they say the heart is.
*breathes heavily*
fuck. I start to cry and sob. Oh god. Oh god. Oh was my sister right in the end???
wait piranha, relax, it could be a misunderstanding. relax. wait until you know. oh fuck, oh fuck, how can i know????? fuck!!!!!!!
bare feet running over the parking ground. cigarettes.
he sometimes lies out of consideration for my feelings. for example he says this chick in the car that i hear in the background is his cousin jesse whereas it is lydia, the girl who hits on him. could i care less?

we always treat others the way we would like to be treated. thats why he lies in order not to upset or hurt me - thats why i always tell the truth no matter what. irony of human psychology.

In my mind I run through my address book. Who could I talk to? wake my wife up? tiffany? no. Europe. My mother is at home, fortunately. I talk calmly, pretend everything is okay. Then I cry and sob and laugh at the same time, just as the women do in my family...She says I deserve a relationship in which my lover understands my magical sides. But maybe you don't need that now, darling, maybe you have your friends now for that, if the person itself means so much to you, you can sacrifice that. BUt you are so young, darling,, darling, you are so young. There is so much more for you to see and discover.

I cry, no ground under my feet. Oh Mother. Oh mama. I can't help it, I know it is stupid, it is DUMB, but I think of the end, although I am still at the beginning!!! I can't help it. It makes me sick and so sad. I know that it can't work out somehow. It is so difficult. I want to work through the difficult stuff....but it is like fucking Romeo and Juliet, we are from two entirely different worlds. He has seen the evil sides more than enough. He has been there. tasted it, lived it, suffered from it. people he loved have been taken away from him by it.
I have always been in this fairy tale world. But i have seen the other side. I loved a boy who was right there over five years. I haven't been there myself but i am aware of it. I understand that he has to worry about me considering where he is coming from. but i know that i am not afraid and there is no need to.
I think. Oh man, but I really deserve to be treated differently. The problem with the gypsy is that he would never do something on demand but only by himself. So I have to learn how to trigger that want.

I smoke. He doesn't like it. One more reason.
A young lady and her dog. Punky. Cigarettes. A voice from Berlin. My best friend Kaspar. Relief. I am calm now, a voice from Berlin, from where my dreams come from. His words so reassuring. So alleviating. 50 minutes recharging my batteries. His plans to hitchhike down to marocco, egypt, near east, then east europe next summer.....ahhh.....Good bye Piranha, I cuddle you through the line! go and say hello from me to Dany and tell him not to worry so much about you...
he wouldn't understand. He can't understand that a girl and her best male friend can sleep in the same bed and it is okay. He can't. He will always worry.

Everything will be allright. We just have to go on. Somehow.

I go back and draw another picture in my sketchbook. Sitting next to my love. He opens his eyes for a split second. three candles already died. The music still playing. It is five or six o clock in the morning. He didn't realize I was gone. I curl up next to him, feel his body next to mine. And my eyes fill up with tears again. Snickers, tooth brush, soap to make the smoke smell go away. I don't want to bother him with my shit too much.


In the car on the way to school I ask him 'so how many chicks have you aside me?' "that i love? - none. you'
'well, what about those you - don't love?'
'thats not important'
'aha. so if i had someone aside you who is not important really...'
'no!!!!' - 'girls can't do that. only boys can' he grins at me.
'man I am joking Piranha, by the way...'

by the way???

Wrapping this post up I just decided I won't ask him about fucking Tundi. Because, seriously, I don't really care. It'd be his problem how to coordinate things and all that. All I know is, I will be a whole entity by myself again. I will go on on my way and meet the people and things I have to meet. I will give him my love but something will change. I won't make my happiness dependend on him. Not one inch. Too bad. But thats how it goes. why the fuck did i have to fall in love with this darkness again.

I will dance on the thin line between the light and the dark

if i can't fly at least i want to fall

So what can I say now
After the clouds have passed
And the thunder ebbed out
There is still nothing that could make me proud

Come on come on let me punch this wall!
What else has to happen to make this wake up call

Boredom kreeps up to me
From behind
It s like doggystyle and being blind
Beauty surrounds me
I might suffocate
What the hell makes me think it is already too late?

Come on come on let me punch this wall
Nothing really makes sense at all

Can you feel me
Can you relate
Some people come early
Some people come never or simply too late
Fuck the rhymes
Fuck you too
I just don’t know anymore
What to do

Come on come on let me punch this mufa wall
Let me break down this stupid empty echoing hall

No satisfaction
Whatsoever
I try and try
Fuck everything
Start to cry
Ye ye we all want to fly
Fuck everything
I drop and run
Garbage can coffee and cigarettes
Pretend I have fun

Wish I would come(ha what a nice word pun)
To grips and to inspiration
Fuck all I see
Is bleak desolation

Come on come on let me punch this wall
If I can’t fly at least I want to fall

missing fucking berlin too much. yah.

god i am so fucking sad. it weighs my heart down

tonight i dreamt that i changed my mind and went to berlin. it felt AWESOMELY FUCKING FRICKING GREAT and beautiful. relief. ahhh.

i am tired of everything here

i am pissed off at klodia

for no reason

i still smoke.

i worry about dany and me because i get the feeling that this will end fucking tragically and thats bad. i should enjoy in the moment. but it will fucking break our heart

you know? i can't possible break up now, because it is not the time to do so. i know that it would break his heart BIG TIME so i can't because there is no reason to. but it makes me sick to realize that there is still so much more out there and that i need things that he can't give me........

and that one day we will have to depart and it makes me all sick. hollywood makes me sick. the big hummers make me sick. the fucking american way makes me sick. the people here. i hate everything right now. i sit here at starbucks (just for internet!) and have tears in my eyes. fuck. tears. and there is even no frickin PMS coming up. thats all real and bad and really bad


magic magic magic happens.. just let it in!!!

The beauty lingered in the air for a moment
Nothing was like it was before after he crossed the line
The past gone, wrapped up in good will and affection, offered to the earth, the sky, the ocean, the sun and the stars for all we are is now and for all we were is going back to where it came from.
The life in the innate object squivered for an instant, a blink, a brisk second.
Why don’t you understand me?
Can you love me?
What are you longing for?
What is it that you are missing?

The missing links call us from everywhere, from where ever they are.
The missing links we find when we are ready
But then
Once we found
We have to let go
And sacrifice the gift
At the altar of life
Of love
Of mother earth
And father sun

Beauty surrounds me every second I am
You in my presence, me in your presence doesn’t mean any less
It is all there
For eternity in the now


so why the fuck can't you leave me be? why the fuck do you want all magic exclusively for us?
this is what i am living from. this is my daily bread. this is what keeps me going. this is what keeps me alive. this is what i breathe, this is who i am.

lets ask with Krishnamurti: how can a mind that is afraid love?

sex at crazy places. don't fuck with the past

Sex at crazy places

He paused. You wanna know?
Mh.
Yeah, I want to. But don’t tell me with who and how it was.
Well, okay, … and then he went on where he had had sex. All those crazy places. In a restaurant. In a bathroom, in the restaurant kitchen, in school and so on.
Me, too, I have some crazy memories. Sex with myself at crazy places not included.
That’s a whole different story

I went up to practice. And suddenly, bam, that fucking image in my head, trying to picture how he made love to her in a dark corner of the restaurant kitchen.
Aargh! Aargh.

That’s bad. That’s no good. It makes me sick. Stop that already Piranha. Stop it.
Life is rolling on you should be happy he had so much experiences, it pays off now.
Fuck.
It makes me sick. I can’t stand it. I mean, isn’t it strange how we always want to know stuff from the past and in the same time can’t handle or stand it?
The same with him. I told him about my crazy Andi-story. Fuck Andi was allright but I didn’t love him at all.

He got silent and had this expression on his face….It sucks to hear stuff like that. It sucks. Those stories should be reserved for same sex friends, like girls chatting and laughing about their past.

Jose. Homeless, longing, blissfully happy.

I could fill you in with facts about this magician I just met today. The day was windy and sunny and I was inspired by typewriting the script for an artist friend of mione whose most magical quality is to be so amazed and awed about his own creativity as only a child could be....

Jose held a piece of wood in his hands. So SMOOF! so Beautiful. In this awesome 'Novel Cafe' in Venice. Ahhh, feels like home.

by his smile i could tell that we are on the same page. the same wave length, speaking the same language.

oh life, oh life
so we long for so much and life keeps on giving us all these beautiful things, which we have to learn to embrace and appreciate. once we have learned that lesson we can have it all. because what we need will be given to us. amen.
:)
but seriously, it is that way, isn't it? we love to entertain ourselves with all those dreams and we like to believe that we need them. sure we do, but we don't need to be unhappy or dissatisfied because of them. keep your eyes open to what is and you will be. yippie

Jose is homeless, he is longing for the womb, the protection of a fixed shelter, a woman, dancing butnaked to Barry White :)
I can relate.
but he is not bitter or unhappy. he is waiting patientally for the ship to arrive, sand polishing meanwhile beautiful pieces of wood he finds on the wood (or well, actually they call him) and bringing life back to them. you should have seen the wonderful root. it IS alive, so SMOOOOF!!! and so beautiful. (do i repeat myself? damn. i need a digi cam! so i could show you at least how it looked like!!!) you find new shapes and forms and faces and beings in it, it is a wonderful companion. he has more of them, bigger, smaller and he is a magical person to meet. floating in peace and stillness while offering the most beautiful smile with his heart, his lips, his eyes, his soul, his spirit.

lets join in NOW

girlfriends #2

girlfriends really should stick together and not say a word...
stupid me i told my love that i talked to tiff about all these things and of course it all ended with him angrily saying, please, can you NOT talk about our sexlife to other people? that is - between, like, you and me!
*chuckles*
oh dear. she is not people, she is my friend!
well but still....fuck!
I smile and promise I won't do it again. *wink* sometimes an emergency lie has to help out....
because how could i possible demand from him to understand that? he is a guy. he is only 20. there is still hope.
as i said already, if you guys knew what we are really talking like when you are not around....

it s just DIFFERENT for you.
i need to talk to my friend about things.
about that thing that thing that thing that thing
*laughs*
*smirks*
loves you all

girl friends

girl friends.

you see them at the karma coffee house, sitting outside, drinking coffee, eating oranges or fudge, smoking and - most of all - giggeling.

*sighs*

yeah, dear world, girl friends are that thing that you don't want to miss out in your life. because, what worth does a relationship and a lover or an affair or even an asshole have, if there is no one to talk about to? noone to reach a conclusion with, no one to download the burdens of emotional turmoil and confusion, no one to upload some giggely energy that reassures you of your own worth and values and makes you subsequently a better person???

see, dear male fellas, if there were no girl friends your women would be all bitchy all day long. it would be like PMS all month long. now, i am sure you don't want that!~? because who is gonna put up with that? the whole world would break down, nothing would work anymore, everybody would be grumpy and pissed and unhappy, business would dwindle down the drain, politics would go down to hell because all those motherfuckers with their bitchy wifes at home would start a war over nothing and all that, you know what i am talkin about right????

girlfriends...

You need a best girlfriend of course, after a certain age you start having best girl friends for different occasions. for example i had a friend that was just dope to watch movies (sentimental movies) with, the other one to go out dancing with and so on...I have my 'wife' here as my best friend, but for one thing she is not good to talk to: about my problems with my darling Dany. She always defends him (she considers him to be her brother) and tells me how much of a drama queen i am and what i should do better and la la la. you know, sometimes we don't need a good advice - i heard somebody say advice is the worst vice - but someone to just listen to our ramblings and then look into our eyes and say with sympathy how much of an asshole this motherfucker is and how much she understands you....

of course, sometimes we also need someone to drag us out of depressions lurking around the corner or bring us back to the bottom, but yeah, sometimes only, sometimes...

so yesterday night was aboslutely gorgeous. tiffany called me and invited me to this open mic session at the hostel she worked at. And NOW that was an absolutely different environment from our school, where i am most of the time intimidated like hell. I actually performed like two three songs and it was GOOD! it felt good and i found back to my OWN music! wow!!!!

WOW. so although i know the key is inside me, to get there certain environments are definetely more helpful than others.
I called Dany and told him I can't see him for his break, it was THAT gorgeous. Later on Tiff, Elsa and I went to the Karma Coffee House and had a drink and talked.

you wanna know what a girls talk looks like? hm. maybe i even shouldn't write that down, because, i don't know...If YOU GUYS KNEW what we are talking about you would probably never again talk to us. hahaha. yeah. nuff said. I go now and enjoy that I am not ALONE with my problems on this fucking planet. Tiff has the same sexual problems like I do (I guess like 60% of the rest of the women too...it s just nobody really dares to talk so much about it, except for with their girlfriends. and now, for gods sake, we are not girlfriends with EVERYBODY! and I don't know whether it is true, but we found it to be very fortunate that we ALL are europeans because with American girls we couldn't talk like that so far....but whatever, who cares...)

well yeah. and i have to take care that my talkative mouth doesn't spoil the fun and tells dany straight away what we talked about.

but hey, Raffael (Elsa's lover), don't worry, size DOES matter. there is such a thing as TOO BIG. don't worry ;-)

same language

do you too have sometimes the feeling that nobody speaks your language? it s such an effort to always translate what people are saying, to try to bring your points across, your emotions, your thoughts, it is such a tidious process...
is there nobody out there speaking my language? you know that sort of relaxation and smile effect that a conversation with your very best old friend has on you...you know exactly that no matter what you say, it will be understood in the right way, it won't be misinterpreted, unclarities will be quickly resolved, sometimes just by means of mimics and it s not so much the words but the silence between them that make the language...

sometimes i feel so lost here. so lost. so lonely.
i feel like nobody here speaks my language really. even not my gypsy. especially he not. maybe thats the exciting part maybe thats the good part and allows us to grow a lot. but sometimes, honestly, i get very sad and tired of not being able to relax. i only can relax when i am physically with him, when i can feel his heart beating, when i feel his love and his eyes talk to me. like my best friend back in Germany he is the master of communication without words.

but the piranha you know is a piranha of words. my real name actually means translated 'the one who reigns with the word' and jesus, my parents must have had a good intution choosing this name for me...
so i feel lost and crave talking to my sister in switzerland because she speaks my language. my two other sisters don't. i crave talking to my dad, because he speaks my language. my mother doesn't. see, it s not about love or relationships, it s about something that i can't describe. it s just there. it doesn't matter in terms of how important someone is to you but it does matter whether or not it is in your life and it matters in terms of soul- and mind-sanity.

Then I stop and realize, wait, I know someone here, who speaks my language. his name is Keita and he wants to marry me. He would be the perfect match but last year's lesson with J. (my ex who matched every single point i ever made up to define my future husband) taught me that it is NOT about the perfect match but about how you a person makes you feel and how much potential of growth there is in the relationship. Now, Keita and I would have a lot of potential and he makes me feel fabulous but I fell in love with Dany and not with him. God, who can blame me, i couldn't help it.
But with me being in a relationship with the Gypsy our friendship dwindled down the drain, unfortunately. Our encounters lost their genuintiy and intensity, probably out of fear and for the sake of emotional protection from either side.

but today i called him and we talked and it was like medicine for my soul. he sees the world as i do, just instead of calling it 'magic' he calls it 'rhythm' and ... god. I am so grateful for him being in my life. It feels just so so good to have someone to talk to in a relaxed, trustful and selfexplaning way... even my 'wife' isn't a friend like that to me. the person i can relate my problems with the gypsy to is my niece by the way, because she is a woman and understands me in her own way...my wife always protects and defends the gypsy and tells me how stupid i am. great. thank you. i just need someone to download my frustrations to in order to clear my system and then i can be all happy and loving again.....

in berlin i had almost only friends who spoke my language. so thats LA for me. I appreciate every encounter and friendship even the more now.....

in love

piranha

love is when the way matters

well, please. give me a break. do you think you are a superhero, a 20 year old mustang, a source of neverending sexual energy and power?
give me a break
how can you spoil this whole night just because YOU couldn't go on right after you came?
give me a break
EVERYBODY knows, that men can't really go on right away. you gotta take a fucking break. literally. hahaha
god, i am mad. not that i showed you really but geez, that was such a promising start and then something like that. wait. i ll give you time. we have to learn how to be with each other. to be is an active verb. TO. BE. we shouldn't take anything for granted. to love is active, too. it s nothing we should take for granted. it is an ungoing learning process.... i have no problem with that whatsoever. so maybe take my words and please don't make the same mistake twice.
you want to make love?
there we go: love is, when the way matters.
sex is when the goal matters more than the way. sex is when you get frustrated as a woman, when the man doesn't make you cum. it s like, we both should have fun.
but love.
oh love!
love!!!!!!~!! love! i mean, hey, give me a hug, kiss me back. respond to me. don't be frustrated and pissed off. thats egotistical. selfish. love should exceed the ego. I should be more important than your achievements. give me little kisses on my neck. my belly. my thighs. sigh. be with me. look at me and see your beauty reflected in me. talk to me. hold my hand. my feet. worship me, be a servant to the goddess. i will return all that and more. be honeste with me, open up, and i will give you all my love.
all
my
love
and more. love is, when the way matters....and give yourself a break. and me too....and breathe in the silence. listen to your heart. get over it. it s not like we don't have time at all. we have time to learn how to be with each other. we do....
i think the biggest misconception we have is, that love is something that happens rather than what we create. love is divine. the divine is creative. as simple as that. hormons DO things to us. we feel a rush of blood to the head or the other pole for that matter ;-). that HAPPENS to us. but love is what WE CREATE.

the window to life

many will agree with me that there are times when we have this feeling that we are rather existing other than living. you know, i mean LIVING to the fullest, being in life, looking at life, understanding it with the heart.

there are a few people that i have met so far in my life, who i thought were so alive, so special, so encouraging, so radiating (sometimes not at first sight but still...) and i figured that all of them have found their very own window to what i call 'life' through whatever they were doing.

there is Pilar, my spanish dancing teacher, who approaches and understands life through her art. She encounters, meets, reaches out to other people through dancing and everything evolving around that. She found herself through dancing, she grew and developed and found a balance and energy that is like love: the more you give away the more you will have...
there is Lampi, a waldorf teacher and artist (sculpturing mostly but also painting and music) who climbs apple trees to get us apples at age 75 and catches as many sunrises as possible, who goes to Russia to build playgrounds in ghetto areas, who stops in awe in front of a beautiful object to draw it and admire it with love. His teachings, his words, his love, his attention have affected so many children and people I know, his youthfulness encourages everybody who sees him because it doesn't make you jealous but happy to see that. He is in balance and radiates and it seems like he knows the secret of life and he found it through his way.
there is my parents who have found their window to life through their relationship and philosophical, religious, literal studies, who have found the balance and wisdom through their work with children and teenagers, who have created an oasis with their kindergarden, who are perfect examples for me how to strive towards being a human
there is Elena, my Russian teacher, who found and came to many realizations about life and us and this world through her linguistic studies. Just another window!!! And she too, is in love with this world. with this marvellous beautiful world that bears so many secrets and mysteries. the ugly she can understand through linguistics too, and she is not afraid because she sees.
there is Mr. Elsen, a teacher of my highschool, who found his window through his art, too, his profession, his passion, and his attention, one handshake at the morning made me feel like i was seen and appreciated and i had a reason to be at this school. ONE handshake and one look into my eyes. ONE!
(...)

and there is now:

Pat Martino, a musician who lost his memory at some point in his life and relearned playing the guitar from the scratch. He held a clinic today at my school and boy, he changed my life here!!! Sometimes I wonder what place this episode here really has in my life. What it means, what I can learn from it and sometimes I feel very lost.
But he changed my perspective entirely. His way of looking at music and guitar, living it, seeing it everywhere, is HIS window to life and you can feel it, how he stands there, how he is balanced and grounded and so loving. IT IS AMAZING. I am so in awe. WOW. WOW. WOW. I don't know, I am sooo glad I was there. The beauty in the structure of music, the beauty of the guitar, this beauty is the same beauty as the beauty of mathematics, of biology, of painting, writing, of stress, of bad luck, good luck, life, this world, this society despite all its odds and sicknesses, it is the beauty of this universe of LIFE itself.

lets be
in life and love

future

Listen to a Funk Song ‘Sing A Simple Song’.
Suddenly the word ‘Zimbabwe’ falls and the world widens up like gas that escapes a balloon and spreads out into the atmosphere within seconds. Wooosh. There. A warm feeling of the unknown fulfills me, every single veine.
I would like to take you on a journey, I would like to show you my world. But I fear I have to go alone, I fear I have to let you go and leave us back with a broken heart. It’s just that I feel there is so much more out there that is waiting for me. Not here, not here, that’s for sure, don’t you worry baby. Zimbabwe. A soft Berlin night in which I dreamt of him and felt like a desert that needs rain. You are like a garden to me, you are my water and my rain and my all and one in this eternity of this now. But I feel like a bird that needs to leave in wintertime, I feel already how future will call me on her wings some day and take me on a long journey far away. And I am not sure whether you will fit onto her back with me. I don’t know and I don’t want to know whether or not you gonna hold my hand when I stand in awe in the middle of Zimbabwian desert.
Ah, life, what are you doing to me???

dancing wild

She and I were of course tipsy by then. All those nice gay guys who let us sip on their drinks. Then this after hour club. Only people who really want to party go there, its that expensive and it is that unusual for LA. The lawyer didn't pay for us, unexpectedly but who are we to be stopped by that!
After an hour jumping around, shaking that ass I get more sober and see how all these gay guys take their shirts off.....

and within minutes me and her take our shirts off too and dance wildly in the croud.

it was THAT MUCH FUN. my 'wife' is the best.... just, the best.....what would i do without her? she is my berlin substitute...she is my only friend i can count on here.

the italians response

hey Piranha


I'm writing to tell you to take it easy. This writer's blockof yours is no big deal. ook, I don't mean to pass to history as the one person who could never make a point without bringing sex into the picture, but really, a writer's block is much like impotence, and impotence is all in your mind, it's all about the unbearable preassure of performance, of what she's going to think about it. So, when my dick doesn't get up theres two things I usually try: either I find an excuse for it, and pretend that's it's all because I just caught a cold and that just traumatized my dick, or I start joking about it, you know you kid about it, show your Problem that you don't think it's a Problem at all, but just a small itch in the ass, show it that you don't give a fuck about it, and it will leave you alone, it will walk away. But you need to pretend wel, or it will discover your game. But seriously, inspiration is not something that comes and goes, only your peace of mind does. And remember that there's somuch to a song beyond inspiration, there's so much you can but in a song beyond broken hearts.


Anyway, wish you good. I'm in Naples now, that the capital of the fascinating realm of Southern Italy. I'm studying philosophy, enjoying it, and this week I start with my first exam.


Send me a cd when you become famous. Oh, and I always wanted to tell you, you live in Hollywood right, there's an Amoeba Music Store there. There was one in San Fran and in was like my second home, i was always there, it was amazing. Check it out.


Bye.


The Italian

Mikel and Jason

Life never ceases to amaze me.
Today once again I was on my own, my love is somewhere at Lake fucking Elsinor and yeah. I miss him so much every freakin moment. But thats besides the point right now. Because the amazing things always happen when I am all alone. For example, when I took the bus down to Venice beach I saw this mexican family and the daughter was like 11 and so pure and innocent looking, so pretty, so nice and friendly....And guess what, on my way home I met them again, - I thought that was funny.
Then I go to this pizza place because yesterday night (yet another wild story!) after coming home from dancing around 5 AM I was CRAVING pizza and delayed eating it until tonight.
So I walk into this pizza place and there are those two boys sitting. One is reading newspapers one is writing something in a moleskin note book. I stop and say, oh I have the same, moleskine, isn't it and before I really realize it I sit at their table and we are talking like we were old friends. I think I apologized my remark by saying, that I hardly ever see anybody write something here in LA except for homeless people, which is very funny as you soon will realize.
Mikel is totally pleased and in awe because usually it s him who is like that and he enjoys leaning back and watch things unfold. So we talk, what do you do in freakin LA etc. and after having established a certain level of trust (they invited me to some more pizza) it turns out Jason is a college drop out and sleeping out there somewhere (so he IS homeless although he doesn't look like it) and Mikel just says his life is totally boring but they are friends since 14 years and out there together. Last night in this heavy rain his sleeping back got totally drained and to make a long story short he is sleeping in my sleepingbag now at a safe place.
This encounter was magical, because it was so matching. so coincidental and so not. he said i was god sent, but well, i just guess the three of us spoke the same language, if you know what i mean. I help if I can, just like with the story of the old jew and chabba, the hungarian dreamer. And I am helped along my way all the time too. So this is how magic and love and life work for me...

cuando los angeles lloren

Mana...Immediately brings colourful, emotional memories on the surface of my mind. Berlin. Early spring. Getting over my ex and him having a new girlfriend and him wanting me back and me meeting Kim and realizing that I am just not ready for the exploration of a relationship universe.
Memories of me feeling that I really want to get involved in humanitarian issues on this planet.
Me yearning for love. For particular and all embracing love.

My dad called today and said there was this guy, with brown hair, coming out of a house close to the 'Wiese' the river in my hometown in South-Germany. He realized that it was you Pedro, and he gave you five euros in honor of me, Piranha. And he said that you seemed to be very happy about that.
Yes, I still love you and I always will.
Always.
Will

Love is inexplicable and indefinite. I love you with all my heart, my dearest soul brother. I hope you find back on your way and encourage you to walk with all your pride. Those who have suffered the depths of the human BEING experience are no less worth, maybe even more, never forget that. Diamonds are the result of incredible heavy masses pressing coal together until it becomes diamong. That is life and my life has not been like that but it is my life and it is different from any of yours and we can never compare it but only tell us stories and enjoy the communicating hearts when we are sitting around the fire where the warriors gather to regather strength for the fight.

responses

every body
like, EVERY body i ever secretely believed of having a connection with (except for you Mira and Maria but god, I know you are there despite that) responded to my 'hilferuf', my call for help (see prev. post)

I want to post some answers here, to ahm. yeah, celebrate that. Thank you obi, hannoverfirst for your responses too. I ll keep you posted how everything goes on, my lyrics eventually and one day I guess even songs. When I learned how to strip.

Here we go:
sad Piranha
i am in fuckin gray, cloudy berlin, having 15 days left to turn in my diplomarbeit --- you are near the beach in california ...

WHO SHOULD BE SAD?!?!?!? ;-)

smile for me and be 'happy piranha' again, like i got to know you..."

Oh Piranha!!

what's this! perhaps it is something in the air, perhaps are the stars and planets influencing us badly, making jokes about us...I don't know, but the sadness is a fact! it's here, it's present and not only in your heart, but in many others  at the moment...yes,  I think it is  something universal and at the same time something very individual...every person has such moments of sadness, everybody is sometimes without a smile, without energy, without "Lust"...but why? Why do we have to go througt it? You know the answer, I don't need to tell it to you...it is a help, only with this bad moments we can evolute (?), we can ameliour ourselves...and only with this bad moments you can enjoy the happyness!!

So, I know really you can do it!!

kiss V."

"My poor Piranha..;although you feel sad of no inspiration,I feel so happy
to hear from you.(...)
Well,concerning your songs,you could speak about this feeling of the artists
when they feel so unusefull sometimes.It is always better to speak about
what you allready have felt.

I am working presently of a project of illustration with my boyfriend;and it
is soon finisched.I hope we could sell it ...
I already have to go.I would like so much to know what s happened to you in
the USA.

I don't forget you my Piranha...........  your Amande" (a very cool artist who i got to know in Paris, which is a whole different story worth to be told one day)

"Oh, Piranha, my dear friend, how much I miss you, right now, in this moment, YOU... your face, your movements, how you laugh, your voice, there is much more you have, more, more .
yeah, I have to tell you big news: I am sitting in the Fu (University) in BERLIN. Usually though I hang out a lot in my beloved Udk, make a lot of music (she plays violin like a goddess) and yeah, am in Berlin, and Berlin - it's for me 'the place to be', as you formulated it once...
Yeah, and life is crazy, and writing that I know that YOU understand that and know what I mean by that....
And amongst all those crazy and beautiful things I experience here in Berlin there is something...which...Piranha, I even don't know how I should tell you that...Max has quit our relationship recently.....I have been neither sad nor happy those last days, I don't know anything anymore.
I just wait for some sign somehow...
And as I was just reading your mail, there were so many, incredibly many emotions popping up and I was so close to crying. Maybe I would like to be with you right now, whereever you are, in this wide world or maybe I was just sosososososos glad and happy to hear from you...
Oh, Piranha, it s not easy to express all that in a mail. but is better than nothing i guess. - try to be happy, I am too, really, right now in this moment I am actually happy!!!!
Maybe you have now something for a song?
I think of you and i am full of happiness doing so
kiss, your Ili"

"Maybe i just frop you some lines in Englisch. Please belenient towards me I still feel ashamed to write in Englisch but I take it as a practise and it just inspired me that you wrote in English.
Well, I wanted to tell you anyway how supprised I was obout your call on Christmas!! Thanks so much, Piranha, I was so happy about that, that my heart just opend at that very moment I realized you were on the line!!! :-)

I don't know if I can help you out of your predicament (why are you in that while beeing in love?!?!) but I'll write you some thoughts I have dealt with lately.
Since Ralph and I are together again I often think about all that. You know I did so many detours and loop ways, lived with other men, mad my experiences, of which I am so glad to have had each an every single one of them, and are now back to where I started from! Am I back to Where I started from or is it just irrelevant where we get to because all what counts in the way? Is not every journey like a pearl and an enrichment in our life? Every human being I met on my way changed me a little every stone I picked up from the road and shared my time with is now dear to me and every experinence I made still counts much in my life. I wouldn't talk to Ralph after all that like I do it now, I wouldn't treat him the way I do it now even our sex was diffrent before we split up two years ago. I am somehow much more relaxed, have more confidence in the relationship and in myself. Isn't it just normal that you need to go your own way to find yourself before you can really be with another person? And isn't it somehow signifficant for everything what happens to us in our lifes? I don't know if every thing will work out in the way we wish but I am so glad to be with Ralph again now! Somehow he urged me a little to take my decision about us. I understood that the situation was not easy for him. Maybe I still would have needed some more time but I also felt resposible for a person I love and didn't want to be unfair. There was just something about him I never could forget...! :-)
so i hope you ll escape that 'artist-dilemma" and hug you tight, your Lisa"

"Hey dear Piranha

I read your email and I felt like I could hear you talking next to me. I am sorry I havent replied to you before on msn. Sometimes I wasnt anywhere near my computer and saw your messages later and sometimes I just could not....

well, the reason was because lately i dont want to share what is going on in my fucking life with anybody...especially somebody who knows the whole story from the beginning.

i dont where you are and whether your inspiration is already there with you or not but could you please sing a song for me? just like the good old days in the common room of our house? I have a long story to tell....i will write you some other time...right now there is not a single thing i can hold on to in mylife...i have no fucking idea of what i want and where i will be in the future...i am at hendriks place and i have to go now...but just wanted to tell you my friend that I love you so much and i miss your warm spirit in this cold berlin!

i am sorry again...i will try to keep more in touch!, Z."

"its cold and grey here. the sky hangs low stoping any extra light from breaking threw to chear these short days.  althoe the days are getting noticibly longer and with a brighter whiter light than befoe winter solstice.  inspirational slumps always seem to catch me off guard.  like all of the suden i try to express what i know is there, but this time i cant seem to find it.  terribly frustrating.  for me my inspiration comes partly from how i feel at the moment, but more so from my suroundings.  i have never spent any time in LA.  big citys piss me off not because of the city itself, i think the idea of a everything that makes a city run is absolutly fasinating.  but those who live in a city is what i really find disturbing.  i am a creature of the earth raised with soil under my bare feet.  touching the things that grow. loving the things that live longer and shorter than me.  people that spend to much time standing on concreate seem to lose track of the things that make them human.  like humbleness is exchanged for iritation.  and compasion is exchanged for an ego.  those people have almost forgotten who we are, distracted by advertisments and consumerism. i seem to live on the border of two worlds this planet being one of them and the human world being the other.  i am frightened that some day soon the earth will wake up and say, hey we are all in this togeather, pay attention to what maters most.  i find as i hit these keys i am listening to my own words as they come.  i am no prime example of a child of earth.  but i do look twords it for advice and guidance when im without inspiration or feeling sad about things that matter little or not at all to the ages of earth.  i hope you found your missing song.  lots of love ~eivin~(my twin cousin. we were born in the same half an hour, on two different sides of the planet...)

"i was just remniscing how you played that song for me in the backyard in Basel, about this beautiful moment after hour Math exam and how the sun shone in and the wine...and love.....it was sooooo beautiful! your song!!!
try, to always find back to YOURSELF, piranha....i realize again and again, and especially right now, how important and difficult that is....!!!! to let oneself be distracted from the essential and just live on, vegetate, exist....in life is so fucking convenient..... and unfortunately many people are doing exactly this.....isn't that depressing somehow?
lots of love, hope you find back into a creative phase, miss you tons, E."

"Piranha, my love,
what is it that oppresses your creative flow? maybe you have to accept that now, as cheesy as this might sound. I am afraid that there is no other possibility than to 'love what IS'....
You will see, in the last second the trust will be rewarded, the trust you have in life. That's anyways it: TRUSTING. nothing else is more comforting, calming, than the belief in everything is gonna be allright. FIND YOUR CHILD AND TAKE IT IN YOUR ARMS< EMBRACE IT.
Ah, yeah, INSPIRATION for ME was YOUR little book from which you read your short stories to me, my sunflower Piranha...do you remember how we were sitting on my bed? that really touched me....maybe you have it with you? because in there you already have your No. 1 lyrics!!!!hihi...
Well, you have to go through this now, and most certainly those downs (the soul downs and also the crea-downs) are good for something....I AM SURE about that!!!! because otherwise you can't move on. right????
Dearest Piranha, if i may give you a tip...cat stevens wrote very simple and moving lyrics....i send you a song by him....love is all u need.
your cosmasista A"

"Hey Piranha, my fish
Arent there also songs without big important messages?
Just listen to the songs YOU like:
What do they tell You?
About motherfuckers or schoolteachers(hey, leave them kids alone) or
isnt it just the MUSIC that captures the unspeakable in its broad wings?
Love you much,#
Your sis always
A."

and Lothar wrote me a long mail in German, analysing creative downs and writers block and suggestions how to deal with it. sweet.

I was too tired to translate more german mails i got. but they are all encouraing and full of love. even my chinese friend wrote me, via messenger, and my sis J called me immediately and C from Berlin too....thank you so much....


THE CONCLUSION is: okay, it is OKAY to be afraid to strip and show what my songs are like. If i have such a hard time to get over that, why don't I just go ahead and as a beginning write songs FOR MY FRIENDS, and title them with their respective names? because, the trick here would be: if somebody doesn't like it i'll be just like: yeah, it s not for YOU fucker, it s for Elissa!!!!! hahahahahaha.........and my friends or strangers have always been THE inspiration for my songs, more than my own life. (although i could sing a lot about that too, but man, it s just not as easy for me....letting go, showing my innermost feelings....awwwww)


so ...yeah....we will see....love love love to all of you. one big love

with a little help of my friends

so thats a mail i sent to the usual suspects yesterday...my friends that receive my crazy massmails....and god, the responses were overwhelming. i felt like 'wow, i would have never thought but those people i always really counted as friends, those who i always thought i have a soulconnection with and some very surprising ones too, wrote back. it s great. thank you thank you thank you all....so now i put this mail out there too so whoever comes across it can read it and maybe relate to it and maybe help me too.....i will return the favor if i can ;-) and if i can't god will....or the cosmic energy..you know what i mean...

okay ya all

 

i am in a freakin predicament

i need to get some songs done (ME! DONE! an oxymoron....waaah) until february.

i am sitting in this fucking practice lab, at the beach, anywhere, i can t come up with any songs anymore.

i am lacking inspiration BIG TIME.

i don't know why i am  writing that to you guys

maybe somebody amongst you can help me with a line

tell me i can do it or something cheesy like that. it is so frustrating you can't believe it. it s like i can't write songs anymore. it s like all the songs i ve ever played for any of you guys (whoever had the 'pleasure') never existed. it s like, i have nothing to tell, nothing to express, nothing to put out there.

i don't believe in myself.

i don't believe in my music

i don't see any point

 

it s pretty grey and depressing right now. fuck. maybe i need somebody to break my heart to be creative again, i don't know. just tell me anything. how was your day? boring? tell me stories from your life. whats on your mind. your worries. your problems, your good and bad moments. please. just for me. just a few lines. i need to get sth else in my head, sth to sing. maybe i can sing a song for you although you are far away. it would help maybe.

 

whoever can. please

help

seriously...

sad piranha

getting rid of that past

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college applications

okay i tell you something
i fucking hate bureaucracy
i hate college applications
it takes ages and ages
and in case you don't even know really whether or not you want to go there....it s so not motivating
and then there are the fucking deadlines
and i wish i just could life roll on
fuck

the old jew and the young hungarian

I told my wife that she should tell D. that i didn't know whether or not I'd wait for him at school or go home because of my sister being so mad at me or whatever. I said, man, I just go out on the street, when I don't know what to do I have to follow the signs. I ll just see what happens then...

so i walk down, nothing important happening around school so i head down to Santa Monica Blvd to catch my bus home.
On the way down this guy whistles after me and i just laugh and walk on. I glance back and see he has a bike with a lot of luggage. Now, as a traveller I always stop and ask where people are going and recommend them the www.hospitalityclub.org site as it is really a big help for people like us...
so this guy comes running and we start talking through the fence. his eyes are radiating and shining and he has this positive energy about him...it turns out he is from Hungary and just arrived a month ago, was robbed, came late for work due to that and lost his job and was kicked out of the illegal room he lived in.
he says he'd like to go to the ocean and whether i'd like to come along but i have to regress...my sister...blabla
so i give him my number, and the website and move on. with a smile on my face.

a block further down this old jew calls after me 'hey do you want to buy a motocycle?'
i laugh and say, yes maybe, and come back and we start talking and he invites me for a cup of israelic coffee. he shows me his shop, we dance to arabic music and he offers me some cookies, the first thing to eat for me today.
he says i could get a motocycle for half the price if i helped him work, he would teach me how.
of course i have to decline but i am very fond of this little chaotic shop and tell him my boyfriend could maybe help him with the computer...

so, this was the sign...because it was already almost 4 PM and D. at school. so i walk back to school to find him and on my way back i see this hungarian guy with all his stuff on the street. I call him and ask 'hey, didn't you need a place to work? i don't know how much this guy would pay, but yeah, come with me, i ll introduce you'

and then what happened, was just like two puzzle pieces being put together. the hungarian guy was a mechanic, just what the old jew needed and the old jew let the guy sleep in his truck.

i left with a huge smile and jumpers in my heart

my sister is a controll freak

i come home, after talking a night through with a stranger who turned out to be a soulmate at santa monica beach with wine and cigarettes and beautiful stars, birds and waves and an amazing sunrise.
my sister says no word.
i am like 'hey sis, i explain you later what happened i have to run to school'
she 'you don't have to explain anything'
me 'well, if you are not interested... - are you mad or something?'
she 'no, just my usual bitchy self'
and then 'you don't like me (and all that in front of her son!) - and nah, don't you even pretend you do!'

i look at her, speechless
turn on my heels and walk out of the house
what a fucking offense
what a fucking way of making me feel guilty
what a fucking stupid way of trying to control me and make me be more at home

as if i didn't have my own life
as if it was a fucking crime to have an own life while living with her (yeah, doing the dishes is not exactly the same thing like emotional investment, but hey, i have emotionally invested, i wouldn't fucking feel so offended otherwise!)
as if she was actually seeing me and loving the true me

she doesn't see me and she doesn't even bother to
she asks me superficial questions about my love just to denounce and analytically kill it and tell me how i should better do it and go and you a guy that is that cool that you should be lucky to be with him, not the other way around
she wants to know the gossip and comes hard down on that, fucking judgemental attitude she has.

oh thats her way of showing her care and love? good. i don't even give a FUCK if you don't really see me!!!

so maybe she can't know why i was gone the last past days because i ve been gone before without an explanation

but i told her i would and she doesn't want to know. and yeah, in the end, it doesn't matter, i wouldn't tell her about my crisis with D. anyways because she would tear him and me apart and probably would post a datingad in some fucking internet site.

just me rambling....

here goes the truth. i am not your girlfriend

dany asked me the other day whether i am his girlfriend. that was when i was thinking and contemplating aloud about fidelity because our favorite security guy at our school was being cheated on.
he looked at me with this special look and i understood immediately how he meant that. it means, when i am his girlfriend he wants to be sure i am not going to hurt him the same way.
knowing his history i can't do that anyways. i would rather tell him i have to be free yet again but never cheat on him. he s been hurt so badly when he ran into his big youthlove making love to a 40 year old guy. you understand.

well, to make a long story short, after having talked to him on the phone just now i wrote him a text message that said

'i am not your girlfriend, at least not yet and in my understanding of what a girlfriend means. i don't demand anything i am just answering your question for you. it s not on me to decide whether or not i am. it s on you'

let me explain how i came to this conclusion: we were talking about me being so much upset always because we don't get to be together as much as my wish and long for. now this has all sorts of seemingly inexplicable reasons and gosh is it frustrating that i don't understand. yeah. so we are talking and one of his get aways was he doesn't have enough gas. we had that already. i remind him of me freaking out on that already i don't need to repeat that. if he truly wishes so much to be with me all the time and i feel the same, why should money stay in the way? FUCK i can pay one round gas! it s not like i rape your pride or something like that.
well, he admits, thats a get away reason. there is sth else, he just can't come. he is desperate about it and bla.
yeah i know that sounds really strange but i believe him because lord knows what he is going through.
so i say, man, it s cool, you know i think all this frustration comes from me expecting having finally a lot of time to spend with you during the vacations and we hardly got to see each other... thats all...
and now here we go: he says, oh man, i spend fucking five days in HOSPITAL during the break because i almost died of alcohol poisoning.

* ___ *

i do not freak out. i am like 'wooo, why didn't you tell me anything about that?'
i didn't want to worry you
fine

i understand that a guy might not want to tell his girl. or that a guy might not want his girl to see him in hospital. thats all fine with me

BUT in my understanding of a relationship (which in the end would make me a girlfriend sort of) i am totally in favor of each one having their secrets but not of that nature. i fucking have the right to be worried and see him and hold him and encourage him and love him when he is DOWN.

what is that fucking fear about that your girl might see you DOWN? ha? men? what do you say???

reading love

well, I CAN READ ABOUT LOVE IN BOOKS AND SONGS
i don't need you to send me text messages that tell me that you love me
i don't need you to tell me on the phone all the time that you love me
i don't need any of that
i need to fucking spend time with the guy i love

it's not like i want you all the time (well thats a lie, but i can deal with not being with you all the time. matter of fact it is good because you don't like being around people as much as i do and as much as i need to) but once we are together i want to have TIME to BE.

dear bloggers, dear bloggerinas, it s a fucking drag. time and space. i know, that when you feel love deep deep inside, i mean, when it exceeds mere lust and attraction and infatuation, it feels like it is beyond space and time. but.
BUT. i always knew that there is somewhere out there love for me. love like that.
those were sweet longing days and nights with me looking out there into the space, looking at stars, at the moon, at sunrises and sunsets and i felt that somewhere out there, there was someone who was waiting and longing as much as i do to meet up, finally.

well, let me tell you, it is worse, when you found somebody where you wonder whether he maybe is that person (i won't get into the discussion whether or not there is only one such person for us) but can't spend time with him.
you know concretely that he is there, you can reach out and touch him, and be with him, love him
but in the same time you can't because time and space don't allow it, or he fucking can't make priorities and take off a few days to spend time with his love.

that sucks really. it s like seeing this cake through the shopping window. you can smell it, you can taste a little teaser but you can't have it.


FUCK

talking to his cousin

For some reason he doesn't want me to meet his cousins, which, however, obviously take a lot of time that I could spend with him away from me.
So today after a gorgeous new years weekend with my family in Big Bear, snowboarding for the first time (in man made snow, geeeez) and all that, I called him to ...ahm, fuck, I can call hiim whenever i want, can I? without a reason, right? fuckers! ;-)

he doesn't pick up. so i try a few times later again and suddenly I receive following text message. and i replied and this is the whole story...while writing the text messages I sometimes thought, fuck, he would hate it if he knew i do that!!! but then i thought, fuck it, i play with the cards i have and i have the fucking right to do that. because i love him. so here we go!

Text message 1: 'hey this is dans cousin B. I have his phone, he's fuckin passed out u r his german friend?' (fuck, I am half German, please!)
me: 'Yep. so after all he managed 2 knock himself out 4 new years...tztz. is he allr8 though? He B thanks for writing I'd have been really worried otherwise...'
B:'It wasn't 4 new years, he went to the house in lake e. where he lived as a kid. that dumb pussy always tries 2 drink his problems away or get high.' (what the fuck, why would he tell me sth like that? loyality? worries?)
me:'He isn't a fucking dumb pussy and I'm positive that u ve ur very own freaking problems and ways 2 deal with them that i don't want 2 know about B. Take care of him OK?' (i was really pissed off at this guy to call D a dumb pussy and say all that. fuck him! I mean, I KNOW that they both were into worse shit than that...)
B:'Of course I will, I would die for him, he s closer than a brother 2 me. I just hate 2 see him this way I HATE IT!'
me:'well it s apparently too easy to get into bullshit habits like that together but then to get out u can do it only by yourself. Always. I hate it too, but I know he ll be allright'
B:'I know he always is. lol. don't know how he does it its funny. So u like his girlfriend?' (yeah, curiosity, humanities engine...)
me: 'I meant he s gonna be allright concerning his problems and how to deal with'em. - he has a girlfriend?' (*smirk*)
B:'No, are YOU like his girlfriend or something?'
me:'Haha. I don't know ask him. lol. but yes, I love him too, probably not the same way like u but he is what u and i have in common sort of. So, i hope u can share. lol' (you fucking asshole, i mean...and yes i sucked his dick lately when you wrote hiim this text msgs whether he'd gotten his dick sucked or why he is so late' fucker! leave me alone )
B:'I guess I can lol....just take care of him when i m gone. he s physically and mentally tough but fuckin fragile emotionally'
me:' well i know, so when you are gone u think he actually can hang out with me and get himself emotionally fixed? - joke -U know what? we are all stronger than we like to believe!!!'
B:'Very true we are. I m leaving in a week I think. And wanna know a secret? He'll kill me if I told u but even when he s with us he talks about wanting 2 be with u!' (woah. wow. thank you. he tells me that ALL the freakin time when i call him. do you think i like to hear more about that crap???)
me:' well but he ISN't , right? so i give a fuck. big time. It's not like i don't want you guys to hang out but its also not like I ll be here 4ever. U know. thats all. walk your effing talk!'
- but it s also a mistake to talk to you about that he'd kill us both. lol. It ll be allright. and whatever happens, it s life and we better face it before it stabs us from behind! (that was my bad conscience talking)
B:'Amen sister! Lol shit i hope he has unlimited texts!' (that, of course was the sign to stop but i didn't care) (and fuck, yeah, I am aware of the fact that i always write and talk too much. shit.)
me:'He does, I don't. lol. but i don't care r8 now. it feels good 2 talk 2 s.o who loves him too. And who knows him. Wanna make Dany a favor? delete all our Msgs. He ll be so upset...' (or don't. and see how he reacts. but wait, I want to see how he reacts!)
- and B., when u hate it so much 2 c him lk that. fuck tolerance! we've 2 get out by ourselves, but it helps when people show us they hate 2 c us lk that. - don't u think?' (he wouldn't have fucking drank when he'd been with me. got it???)
B:'Absolutely. I agree. But dany has always been hardheaded. I swear he has never listened 2 anybody since he s been on his own'
me:'I can imagine :-) well i guess the stubborn people have 2 feel then...- I love him anyways and if necessary I'd burn this fucking car and his music 2 make a point. I would.' ( I would also beat you up asshole.) (okay okay he is not an asshole. Dany loves him actually a lot. so okay. whateva. you love him? thats great. but that doesn't mean i am not mad at the fact that Dany feels like he has to hang out with you rather than staying with me)
B:'Whoa not the car! it was tough 'buying' it 4 him lol!'
me:' Eff off, do u think I care just a bit? Karma is when it comes around. lol. whateva. I guess u know how i meant it. enjoy ur time with D and tell him to call me assap OK?'
B:'OK i ll tell him when he wakes up. Have fun and happy new year'
me:'Nice to 'meet' u finally bugsy hehe if he only knew.... take care in 2006. And love
And just for the record, I always enjoy life (which of course doesn't necessarily mean fun...) :-) i hope you 2.' (well i do. actually. B. seems nice. and after all me being mad and so on for obvious reasons I still would like to meet those dubious cousins. because i love people. interesting people. and i want to know all the parts that make Dany's life.)

Dany, by the way, asked me lately, when I said I am fucking sick of hearing 'i love you' on the phone, what he then in my opinion should do. kneel down and propose to me?

woha. ha! first, grow up a little bit, please. and gee, how about just being here with me, i mean, a proposal would be kinda cool but it would be sufficient to just spend a little more time with me and prioritize a litte bit more. in my favor of course. lol.

but then again, my wife is right: i should relax and take a chill pill. he has to work, be with his family just as i have to be with mine and he really loves me. and sees me whenever HE can. (aaaargh, that makes me mad again!)