New Boots, a HIV test and other good news

I stayed up like two nights in a row, one night dedicated to a freakin businessplan i ll never look at again ever in my life the other night to helping my niece and sister to sew the dress for my niece's moviepremiere.
it was really exhausting, i feel i am growing out of that age when you think it s so fucking cool to NOT sleep. DAMN, i dig sleeping. wow`
iw as really afraid i d fall asleep during the screening of the movie, but i can proudly anounce that i fell asleep only at the end..you know those weird secondsleep dreams....dang
before the premiere, however, i was still busy in changing minor stuff on the dress and shit, and like ten minutes before the premiere i realized now that i am wearing a super elegant gown i should think about wearing my sneakers (the only shoes i have these days) twice. so me and my dear cousin R. rush to some huge mall in Beverly Hills and run through the gigantic universe of capitalistic glamour and glitter covered hell and, the unbelievable: i find shoes, that is, boots, in a matter of five minutes.

now, as a woman you d understand why the fudge that is so freakin unbelievable. but as a woman with feet size 10 (yes, 10) you d understand me even better.
a nd knowing me you d already taken your hat off and congratulated me as if it was my day of breakin the world champion record of cross country running or something like that: i HATE shoe shopping more than any woman on this planet, and i usually spend money on music and food and thats it already.

so, i found the cowboy boots i wanted since three years already, they fit me PERFECTLY, awww, freakin comfortable! and out we run and I was happy like a little snow queen.

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so there i go. the afterparty in some fancy berly hills hotel was sort of (yawn) interesting, food and booz for free, i danced a little salsa with some guy and then Dany came to pick me up, thanks god. I was SO TIRED.

i slept like a stone in his arms, he watched me sleeping and snoring (apparently...awww.....yuck) and everything was sort of strange today in the morning. a lot of unspoken words and i don't know what.
then he called me later this afternoon when i was babysitting my nephews and told me he went to that medical center where we made those tests last week and picked up his results.
god, he really put me in tense, i waited for his response and lord, my heart was racing as if it was some fucking olympic games participant.
but, oh well, everything was FINE. and i sink down on my kneew and I pray and thank god and the good guardian angel this guy has, because he pulled off some major bullshit in his late teenie years with drugs and messing around.....

so i got to pick mine up too, one of these days and then we'll take it from there , tee-hee

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the other good news is that two of my best friends in germany are doing so great, it seems like all our lives got so much more moving and exciting over the course of the last past months...we start discovering our own paths in life and who we want to become.....

ah, and i have vacations now and i can't wait to have my gipsy entirely and not to have to worry about getting up and being somewhere in time...fuck obligations just for a minute or two!


i hope my test results will be fine.....damn.....

there is this guy i know...

this little game...that i know this guy....and it is you we are talking about...and then this silence....my single sigh, once. i miss you. already now. ain't that fucked up. no you say. i feel sweet desire. for you. for your loving kisses, your loving hand, body, soul, mind, heart...
you have to look in his eyes when he says he loves you you say, giving advice about 'this guy i know'. then you'd see how much he loves you. how wild his eyes are. this fire...
i would do anything for you. everything you want. everything....that's how much i trust you

jimi hendrix and orange county

all they know about you is that you dig jimi hendrix and that you live in orange county. but i have seen your heart. i have felt it on your tongue, in your hands, i have tasted it all over your body, i have seen it in your words, the sound of your voice and in the colour of your eyes.

i am sitting, trying to focus, trying to work, business figures, blablabla. in the next room someone puts on Jimi Hendrix. The sound waves enter my ears, build up in my brain, connect to my heart immidiately, I am living only in my longing for you.
all that reminds me of you makes me weak and vulnerable inside. and strong and shining in the same time. these are the good good good old days we are living. this is our legacy. this is my first time. first first first first time. in love. like that...

and indeed, your love drips off your fingers, flows in beautiful streams of energy directly from your lovely hands into everything you touch.

you look great together!

i can't see it...but i can hear it. whenever you call my name - a passionate whisper that feels like one of those beautiful warm harvest storm winds back back home - i feel how love is drippin into my mind. my body aches i am feeling the love that i can't believe that i can't analyse that i will never understand but always comprehend.

I took your hand on the street and it was cold and wet. Your heart beat like a foreign but oh so familiar rhythm, I felt you were struggeling but you succeeded in this fight.

See, I can't understand really what it is like to be always on the run, always being cautious, what if, what if the authorities find out and send you away.
But I love you.

We went together to take that test. No matter how much you trust somebody, caution is the mother of protection. I have a friend, she loved her man, and see her now,down and out, struggeling with what she did not expect to ever encounter...

When we walked back from the medical center I held your hand and I felt strange. The old guy whom I always see in front of this store smiled his bright smile when I threw mine in his direction and he shouted, as we walked by 'Yo, man, you better treat this lady right!' - you turned around, laughed, thumbs up...A few steps further another guy said to his friend, so we could hear 'hey, wow, what a beautiful couple! they are lucky man...'

I squeezed your arm proudly, I felt like a queen next to you, a sudden rush of love to my heart...
Later, when we came out of that pizza place another guy, one of those hollyweirders who makes stand up comedy on the street and tries to sell his rap album went off 'oh, hey, you look so good together, such a nice couple, ya all stay together allright?' and then he started beat boxing and you grabbed my hand and we all laughed and Sean was sitting right there at the Green Room and I was allright with that....

Oh, Dany, dany...

then i remembered how Jean said once to me, before everything happened, back when I was busy having a crush on Sean, that she saw me talking to you...and she said, who's that guy? you looked really great together....

and then, in the evening I was jamming with Keita, the guy who is such a wonderful gentleman and so much in love with me, bringing me flowers, earrings and writing lovesongs for me (honestly, if it would work to talk oneself into fallin in love with someone I would have gone for him...but in matters of heart reason doesn't always have so much to say....and that being said, I still think that Dany is the best one for me...it s just... I love Keita too, in a different way, but I really do! and I would love to give him all that what he is longing for, but I can't....so that's sad somehow...). Anyways, as we were jamming we sang this song and as usual we started actually communicating, talking while singing...I sang him a song that expressed all those feelings that I just have put into a bracket...and later I told him that I fell in love and he asked whether it was Dany, because he had already thought that we were a little more than just friends and he said 'i think you look great together...'
bam! even Keita says that!!! and he said, that he is happy for me, of course, sorry, that it isn't him but he is genuinly happy for me that I found that and he said he is grateful that I was honest from the start, telling him about all the guys i was flirting with which made him understand that he couldn't push too much...


oh boy...isn't that the coolest thing to hear, when you are newly in love?

it is like this love is resonating! we are the love that people want. we are the love that people are happy to see because it nourishes the hope that deep deep down we all have....the hope for love, love, love lika that.....

and I love him...

love & sex - take the loose ends and tie them back together

I don't say I regret anything. I was messing around with guys over the last half past year and I did it deliberately and on purpose. And I guess it is in a way good because that's what I felt I had to do in that moment. So I also don't see anything slutty in that because I believe that when you actually are genuine and true to what you want and feel you oughta to do what you have to do.

When I was younger I thought that sex and love are inseparable for me. I always turned down the boys that wanted to go out with me even when I was in love with them. I really wanted to be sure that it was 'the right one' before I got myself into anything. When I got older I realized that I would have to losen that philosophy somewhat up. I still believed and still do believe in 'the one' to come but I am more relaxed and open to what life offers me...
However, over the course of the last six months I also realized that it is still worth to wait and that I don't have to, by no means, to hurry anything.
Awww.
So I waited so long until my first time. I was faithful to Pedro who was lost in his foggy drugged out state of mind, throwing his soul and our love away like nothing....I saved energy for him, I went jogging for him, I considered and deconsidered taking drugs for him. Going jogging and disciplining myself made more sense for me, I thought, gosh when he is lacking discipline I will do for him... My first time was indeed very special and wonderful, and I will never regret it although this columbian sexy motherfucker was married, which I found out like one week later and my drummer and ya all know that you shouldn't mess around with a bandmember, right?
But then..in berlin....being together with J was very difficult for me, it was so beautiful and in the same time my doubts and what not just frustrated the fuck out of me. And I thought with him I would eventually be making love but I ran away big time and it led me to believe that maybe I am just that way... not really being able to bring sex and love together...you know...the sexual phantasies with actual love. love was something that is oh so tender and so loving, yeah, haha, and so.... sacred and holy and sex, for waht reason ever, lets blame society, is rather dirty, instinctive, animalic, physical and the real hot stuff, man, how could I ever show that somebody whom I just showed my soul and heart?
I always dug though mindsex in combination with sex. (hail Dead Prez ;-) and it was always important for me but thats something else...you can have a blast of a conversation with somebody and than a blast of sex and it is all fine....but when it comes to my heart, the beauty of soul....and love....awww. I didn't see the connection really.

And I came up with one more intellectually very witty and seemingly worthy excuse: I don't think that love is monogamous, only relationships are, if so agreed upon but love, no ways, dude, I can love many people in the same time in different special ways....and well, I still believe in that but I understand now the people who say are you fucking crazy because I myself now don't want to be with anybody else than with my gipsy anymore....And I thought, hey, cool, I gonna hold hands with Gipsy and be alll romantic with him while having a hot affair with Jayjay and planning on a gorgeous romantic once in a lifetime experience with Eddy at a beach in Malibu, trying to find out how to crack Seans barriers and so on blablabla. You know...for every type of love someone else....
That ain't gonna work no more for me, sorry world, I have been caught in midfall and been turned upside down and now I look at the world from an entirely new and different angle, it is full of love...and I still love people and flirt with people (hey and I said people and not exlusively men!) but all those different special types of love that you can think of inbetween a man and a woman I want to share now only with HIM.

and I didn't think it, but Dany is the one who takes those loose ends and ties them back together for me. He is the one with whom I will finally finally make love in the real way. And I understand suddenly why in the fuck people want to fuck at all, wait I meant, want to make love at all: you just want to be so close to each other you can't help it. thats the love overwhelming you and you want to be close, closer the closest possible...
and its not that the physical would undermine or overpower the emotional or intellectual bounds, no ways, it simply intensifies the colours of the love that profuses everything, all that you are, I am, we are....

My Gipsy is the best thing that could have happened to me. And I am listening to the Doors....'Girl you gotta love your man. Girl you gotta love your man.Take him by the hand, make him understand...' Riders in the storm....
My Gipsy, the way he is, the way he loves me, the way he loves being with me, the way he touches me and makes me feel, my gipsy takes the ends and ties them back together, he gives me back what I always believed in: that sex and love are actually, after all intrinsically intertwined...b.ecause.....I ve seen the other side and I know, although we didn't get that far yet, I know already that it will be oh so so so sweet sweet sweet loving.

and I suddenly understand all those people who dig sex the way they do.

more? more! more.

Introspectre's comment to my last post was: more. more. more.
and so thought I and here is the more I get.

Gipsy is a surprise cookie. I can hardly believe he is only freakin 20 years young. You don't say old when somebody is 20, right?
well, he really doesn't come across as 20 he is a truly mature and communicates with me on a level that is way beyond my expectations. and, haha, it s not as if i was that much older than him anyways ;-)

oh gipsy...hm...oh my god he is so AMAZING did i say that already? he makes me completely crazy. i want to be his girl and that exclusively. do you recognize your average piranha? no? me neither. but i really do feel that way and i think that this is fucking awesome. I am happy I came here just because of him, of this experience of love.
today I went to a medical care center and tested the fuck out of me, STD, Aids, Cancer, everything you can do as a woman, I am determined to do it all right this time with my gipsy. get on birth control or something, I don't wanna think about anything when I am with him, and I want to have him all. it would be also a good incentive to stop my occasional cigarette every now and then, because they say you shouldn't....and Gipsy doesn't want me to either so there we go. thats all cool

yesterday....the gipsy responded to my amazed 'you are such a surprise cookie' -'well, not really, i've always been around somebody so i don't really come as a surprise'....hm....in this moment i got so jealous. damn right, piranha, you are in the midst of an emotional turmoil you are in love, you get the whole package inclusive.
'whats wrong with you?'
'nothing...well...not really...i just got so jealous right now'
'why? about what? there is no...'
'about all the years i didn't know you...'
'but they are dead now, for us, now it s only you and me...'
oh gipsy...

the day before yesterday, or well, rather the night before yesterday -
god, this guy makes me feel like nobody did before. maybe its like that because i am in love but i am dead sure it is also because he is so fucking awesome! :) (do i repeat myself?)
'how do you do that, Dany? how do you do that...- you know...it s actually the first time....you know....*blush*.....that somebody else is doing it better than err, me....'
'i don't do anything...it s just that...haha, well, that sounds like clichee...but it s just like Jimi Hendrix played his guitar! the fucking love and passion flowing out of his fingers straight into the guitar...'
damn right, love, damn right. that sounds like you got a point....

just random more's i had in my mind right now..... ;-)

one luv

piranha

awe. girl you gotta love your man, take him by the hand, make him understand...

I jumped on the bed and looked through the little space between the curtain and wall to see him driving away in the blue car.
Once upon a time, there was a Gipsy....
and he met a wild child, full of grace....
and somehow they decided to write this chapter together...

My goddess, I thought, while imagining him in the car, waiting at the red light, thinking of me and how much I adore red lights because they allow me to kiss him real quick. My goddess, my goddess, this is just like having won the BIG price in Lotto or something like that, whatever it is called like here in America. And I WON IT! ME! I CAN"T BELIEVE IT REALLY!!!!!!!!!!

Do you remember how I felt about my David from Zimbabwe? That it felt like having five out of six right in Lotto? Well, now this is the price. This is the bang. This is AMAZING.

I sat there, with slightly shattering teeth, in disbelief of what just had happened. It was five in the morning, I had like two hours to sleep left and I felt like a queen, like the child under a lucky start that Christina from Schottland said I was.
It was nothing like I had expected. I know and feel that I love him so so SO much. I didn't worry about how it would be like to sleep with him. Because it doesn't matter, with D. I would happily agree with anybody who says that it gets better and better with every time. Our kisses got better and better! Last year in Berlin I didn't want that, I said I want an experienced older guy (in his 30s) who can show me how to love, I didn't want to wait and practice with my ex until it got better. Now I know that this was just another stupid excuse of mine, a cover-up as D. said yesterday, because D. has already realized that I do a lot of explaining, rational excusing and many people see my point but he sees the truth. I was simply not enough in love with my ex to want to go through this process.

So I was like 'whatever!' que sera sera! whatever will be will be, the future is not ours to see, what will be will be!
And then....I was sometimes a little afraid that he would be an immature little 20 year old boy because he is as a matter of fact only 20 years old, although he says he sometimes feels like he is five years older than me (shut up already!). But I was ready to go through anything for him.
And then.....yesterday night......we didn't go down all the way but we certainly got onto a new level in our physical and emotional relationship. I cried so hard on the way back home in his car, and I didn't even know exactly why. When we where walking by the Green Room we walked by Sean and I freaked a little bit out afterwards because i felt so bad that I didn't say Sean hello really and D got pissed off because I just had told him some hours before that I didn't care about people seeing us at all...and then this....and my wife Klodi got mightly pissed off. 'you have to think sometimes for two Piranha' she said angrily. And I agreed, my GOD, now i understand what J. meant last year about when you are in a relationship you care for the other person as if it was you. Now I understand. I felt bad and I got into an argument with Dany later because I was so sad that he said he would have to leave at two or three. aaaaaaargh! But that wasn't the reason for me crying....I feel emotionally so exhausted, this turmoil these last days....falling and falling and falling ....
in love....

As I cried I thought about how I was with 13, this girl, who believed in love, dreams, future, all this.....who lived in full trust. I thought of Anu, my cosma sister in Bale, Switzerland, how we had tea breakfasts together in her kitchen high above the streets and how the ZEN energy of hers balanced me out and gave me peace of mind. How I played songs to her and how she loved it and how I read her my short stories and how she loved that too.
I thought about my ex in berlin and his face and tried to retrack what I felt for him and I thought about countless guys and tried to apply this feeling I have for Dany to their face. Thanks God, it didn't work, but why, why do I do that anyways? Why can't I just let it be?
I dont' know, I cried silently, the Doors, Rider in the Storm, Girl take your man by his hand, Girl you gotta love your man.......
And Dany just lets me cry, loving, caring, being there, it s allright Piranha, there is nothing wrong with that. Later he asked me what happened and I stumbled and drowned in my tears which I just had pushed back and didn't exactly know what to say....and then I remembered that I actually had told him already, I said, I wrote it to you today. No, he replied but I insisted so he read my messages from today and there it was:

"I am truly sorry ( about the thing with Sean) and don't tell me I shouldn't be. and Dany, te yubesk so much I want to cry"

He took my hand. Don't be afraid. It's allright. - You know, it s the first time in five years that I let something get so close to me, you have to understand, it s not easy, not easy at all but it is beautiful.

Oh my god, writing about that, listening to the doors, to the song 'wild child full of grace' I am filling up with this feeling, awwwwwwe, I am SO SO much in love with my Gipsy.
Later we couldn't let go of each other. He stayed much longer than originally planned. He is such a fabulantastic lover, he made me melt and I felt like in a little while he will be able to crack that wall that I still have. It will crumble and fall and it will be all good.
The cool thing about him is, that everything with him is so wonderful and so natural and so unintrusive, not imposed or enforced at all. NOT AT ALL. And he can hold back and keept control and he can let go and be such a wonderful passionate Dany. and everything is just pure enjoying and joy and beauty. BEAUTY

awwwwwwwe you got my heart and my soul. and my body of course, it is all you, i am your girl, your lady, your wild child your friend your whatever you want me to be....
and thats the first time I ever say this to anybody...

I am all yours...

there i sit

with tears in my mind.
soul music is painting the appropriate soundwrap around my thoughts and feelings,
I am holding back, forget to bury my tongue, explode and withdraw, not sure how i want to be.
i must be fine because my heart is still beating...
ah, oh. when an earthquake turns our world upside down we all try to get over the crying, try to rebuild, try to pretend that everything is just business as usual, god knows, we have to move on, go on, walk on, breath on, work on, routine requires our attention our commitment. and if it is too crass, if it is too extreme, if the world is just a little bit too quere and converse we pretend that the new status quo is just what we know.

but lord, i don't! i don't! it s nothing I know! Nothing I know about! It s like going to school and learning how to read all over again. or learning how to drive a bicycle. we see everybody elses doing it, we are told it's all cool, manageable, and we still marvel and distrust, doubt and hope that we can do the same.

child, child, wild wild child, just get off the ground and try again. keep on trying. i love him so much that i want to cry. i love him so much that i want to throw my whole life over board and start it all over again. i love him so much that it scares me. i love him so much that in sober moments i start asking myself whether i did just talk myself into it. whether i am just a little extreme piscies nature that will change her mind in about a week. i love him so much that i want to be with him constantly. i love him so much that i want to know all about him. i love him so much that i want to kiss the walls he touched and the ground he walked on. that i want to hug and embrace him all the time and when i see him and i can't touch him because there are words inbetween us i cry out in silence and hate all this air that bridges the gap between him and me. i want to be close and closer. never let him go, set him free, love him, want him to love me.

ah, oh. when an earthquake turns our world upside down we are just busy not to drown in the overkill of new impressions and need of orientation. sometimes we just let go and float along and this is when we hear the most beautiful song

of love

true love

in every every moment

ah, oh.....

soul music is painting circles and spirals into this sea of tears in my mind, i try to hold onto him, and see him with my heart. and smile with my eyes and kiss his soul with the embrace of my entire world

so in love...the city of angels

i can't believe it, dear bloggers out there in the bloggersphere; i am so in love
that hasn't happened to me i think since five years straight. I know that last year with J I was in love too, in a way, I felt like on a cloud, all the tiredness came out, I was a cuddly sweet person and I couldn't believe that we found each other again and that it felt so good with him....We sort of slipped into this relationship and were like on an island together......but this feeling now is so overwhelming and I cannot define it other than being head over heels in love. IT IS SO CRAZY!

I start opening up more and more, I can't get enough of my Gipsy, I want to be with him ALL the time, even if it is only for five minutes inbetween classes, which I, of course, stretch to nice 10 minutes, taking the bad of coming late....I am not going to spoil this wonderful time with stupid rules of life in school or work. I seriously don't care right now, and hey, I know thats not a good thing, but i couldn't care less, really.....Gipsy, however, makes me go to classes and wants me to do good in school and I realize thats what J was talking about last year...that when you are together with someone, you DO CARE.
I, for example, care about Dany's health to the point that I yell at him because I think he should freakin go see a doctor when he just broke his freakin thumb! I care about him eating only once a day and then it is most of the time pizza and sprite. Hell thats NOT HEALTHY! I care about him being good at what he is doing (producing/engineering), I care about him in every way I can imagine. Drive save, my love, damn, do sth about your back problems, and oh, oh can't' you stay with me a little longer???

I think about him ALL THE TIME. I DO. My wife Klodi talks about her good and bad in her life, and when I start to talk, it is about HIM. hahahahaha. She loves it though, because she adopted him as her brother already long ago and she just told me today when we were sitting in 'my' french room (Brasserie Les Voyons on Hollywood Blvd) having wine and cigarettes and the obligatory apple tart (Dany wants me to not smoke at all, by the way. I don't smoke much but he thinks I shouldn't do it at all....Keita does so too and they are in good company and tradition with J who reacted furiously when I started smoking this spring after having been a very active anti-smoker for all my life to this point) ahm, what was I talking about, ah, about my wife telling me at my french room that she KNEW it, that I would fall in love with him.

Why? I asked her startled.
Well, I knew you wouldn't be able to resist this guy she said nonchalantly, He is just a very special guy you know....

OH, and HE IS!!!! He has taken my heart by surprise and I love him so much! I can't believe that this is happening in LA to me! LA will always be such a good memory for me just because of him and Klodi! haha,now, WHO would have thought that after my first fierce resentments against this city......but as destiny has it, this twist and turn of happenings makes this city really a city of angels for me

which there are: Klodi, Dany the Gipsy, my love! Keita, my soulbrother and inspiring friend, and some unknown souls that I will probably meet. But theser are really enough for me to be unconditionally happy and grateful towards life despite the difficulties and tough learning lessons that I am going through with my sister, the genius...

Ahhhh, and everybody asks me 'whats happening Piranha, are you in love?'
oh man, is it so obvious? it must be. I am radiating like a nuclear bomb i guess. oh, better like the sun rising over my magic beach in Malibu .... I could jump all the time and I am such a silly and funny person now, my wife is very amused.....

And Dany makes me melt away and his sense of humour is so sexy and He is the best thing that could have happened to me. and he says he feels like he is five years older than me hahahaha. and i am two years older than him. but he is really mature and he is SUCH A GOOD GUY!!!! and now, dear blogger and miscellaneous readers of this blablablog: thats SOMETHING! THAT PIRANHA IS IN LOVE WITH A GOOD GUY. and not an asshole, as usual. and also: PIRANHA DOESN"T CARE kissing her Gipsy in the middle of the hollywood blvd (his reaction 'what, you don't care? is that a movie or something?') or in the school ('what you don't care? what if someone sees us? what should they think? that you are my girlfriend or what?')
I mean, EEVERYBODY in his class thinks already since weeks that I am his girl. So why not make that a statement....


I LOVE HIM

so


MUCH

love poetry for my Gipsy....well, i didn't give it to him...but it s inspired by him

I see his smile in my imagination…
It’s incredible, and so full of love and appreciation….
His voice gives my name a whole new value
I drink his love like fresh due in the morning
I sleep in his presence like a childlike angel,
All I want is he watching over me at night
Give me your heart and I give you my soul
Let them dance, red passion tangolike fight

He is so not what I thought he would be
now, now, he is the world to me
He is so not what I thought he would be
now, now my eyes connect to my heart and see

Here is a trashcan, put your analysis in there already
Nothing is more disturbing than reality cut in pieces in this season
Try to understand your heart again and again, try to be steady
Make it’s voice so powerful that it can’t be controlled by reason

You know that you are right its voice is condemning
All the doubting energy that you were pending
Is floating away his smiles sweeps it away

I know that I am not led astray

You are so not what I thought you would be
but now oh now you mean the world to me
You are so not what I thought you would be
can you feel, oh can you feel how you set me free?

Love is running all through me through me through me
waves are crushing in ebbing in and ebbing out
cleanse me from the remains of all previous doubt

okay i ll write a short one

i just looked through my exuberant posts and decided i have to make a short one

i

am

falling

in

love

with

my

gipsy

DAMN

butterflies. although it is winter?

oh man!

let me think...how long has it been now that I've seen my Gipsy more or less on a regular basis?
maybe three, four weeks? maybe five? I don't remember. it was before Halloween for sure. definetely...because Fred, his fucked up pothead friend drove me in a kick ass car with kick ass music to this boring west hollywood gay parade...

so...five weeks maybe, maybe less, seems like an eternity anyways. I remember that evening when he came to 'my room' as we call this beautiful french restaurant on Hollywood Blvd, Brasserie les Voyons...My wife and me were having wine, cigarettes and applepie, apple tart it is actually, and I don't remember why he joined us.
She left at some point and we were talking and holding hands and he said 'I am glad we met again'. I remember how I started to raise this wall inside and how I tried to fight it because Keita just had mentioned this wall a few hours earlier, as if he had seen right through me...I couldn't hold the tears back for some reason I didn't say much but it sure was a special moment, yeah I know I know I blogged about that already in another post....

anyways....I hung out with him because it was so easy going and so cool to be with someone who completely lets you free, isn't it ironic....someone who calls you 'wild child full of grace' and who says with this wonderful wonderful voice 'you know, Piranha, I think we should write this chapter together...' who wouldn't want to explore a little bit more and taste from this wild, sweet wine that makes you a little drunk, drunk of freedom in a bottle?

I kept on flirting with other guys, dated other guys. Sean was on my mind, always, somewhen Luis played a role and Keita was always there but I knew always that he for sure would be a heart friend but nothing more....unfortunately, but I cannot help but follow this inner voice that warns me every now and then....
The Gipsy was cool with that. 'do your thing' was his motto but he still would call me a lot and whenever I had enough I just would tell him 'hey, the wild child s making me some trouble i can't see you'.

However, as we spent more and more time together, who d be surprised, things transformed bit by bit...guys fell off me like leaves fall off a withering flower. the excitement and confusion of the first weeks dwindled down to some little fits of outbursting flirt attacks and mind struggles of mine...

I started getting pissed off because Gipsy had to leave my motorhome in the middle of the night to see his obscure gipsy cousins or just be at home at his aunts house....I started getting pissed off because he only eats once a day, and then pizza. my god, thats fucking BAD for you! aaargh. I started to hold his hand even around my school although it was sort of clear between us that this was a taboo.

PIRANHA CAN"T BE ANYONES GIRLFRIEND!

yesterday he stayed at my house again...actually he had to leave again but when I woke up around six o clock in the morning he was still there....and you know, those beautiful moments when you just wake up there are no inhibitions and borders between you and the person you sleep next to? I put my arms around him and held him tight and felt so close to him....incredible beautiful feeling that is.....passionate kisses, 'piranha, oh piranha' followed by some crazy rumanian words....that i didn't understand of course....

then I met my wife in my room at Brasserie les Voyons. He again joined us and later when we were back to school I chatted with a friend of mine in Berlin....I told her about my Gipsy and we talked and talked and as she is dating a rumanian guy as well she told me how to say 'kiss me' and 'i love you' in rumanian and she concluded from what I wrote 'Piranha, you love him!'

me, of course, paranoid, 'no, no, not in this way, you know blablablabla'
when he joined me and my wife later as we were playing together (she piano, me singing) I took his hand while she was organizing something....I said 'seruta me', kiss me and we kissed...IN THE FUCKING SCHOOL BUILDING....he smiled such a cute smile and said 'wow you are getting braver, i dig that!'

i was embarrassed and looked away but man, today, the whole evening, i feel these butterflies and I am all silly and laughing hysterically like a stupid 13 year old girl that has a highschool crush on somebody. My wife is mightyly amused of course and very satisfied because she as among those people who bugged me to make a decision...but how could i make a decision? I don't know, but man, these butterflies. and it s so weird, because now, when I see him, I am nervous and don't know what to do and how to act and shit, and thats after at least three weeks of trusting moments and being close to each other in some way or the other.
I turn away when he comes, 'oh no he is coming' and talking about him all the time and I want to fucking see him all the time and there is no freakin reason to feel this way...except for

those


weird


weird


butterflies.........fly, butterfly, fly!

either he fucked me over or he is just amazingly nice or something else strange is wrong with him

I just bought myself a 15 inch G4 Powerbook, second hand but I bumped the RAM up to one gigabyte and am just happy that I finally, after two years of being torn apart between PC and Mac and blablabla, made up my mind and freakin bought it!!!

and now here is the deal: I got the G4 for 1200 $, all in all it was 1500$ with the RAM upgrade and airport installation.
the guy, a seemingly nice person from India, gave me the charger, the keypad protection thing, microsoft office, tiger, final cut pro for free.
and when I just walked out of the store he came after me and said he'd get two other powerbooks of that kind and if they are in a better condition than my powerbook I could get one of these....but sure, i can take the powerbook home over the weekend, no problem.

now, girls and guys, I found that fucking amazing. it was just SO NICE that I had the feeling it can't be true.
isn't it funny how we always thing there must be something wrong when somebody is just so nice to you?
maybe this computer is freakin crap and stupid naive me was being fucked over. wouldn't be the first time I believe some strangers.
but my gipsy, Sean AND gipsy's brother who is kick ass with computers all approved of that powerbook prior to me buying it. my brother in law said it is a really good deal to get it for 1200 $
AND it has 1 year warranty to it, i can go to any apple store and get my powerbook fixed in case sth is wrong. and i always can ask those nice guys (the guy from India and the half Jamaican half American dude) in this store for help. for any help.

when I walked -well rather jumped and ran - back to school I sang full heartedly all my love out for this life and world, saw myself giving kick ass concerts and man, was I happy.

funny how things can make me overboardingly happy, i just don't know where to put all this energy....love love love......as in this nice Morcheeba song.....(trigger hippie)

now I ll start posting pics, in the near future (I guess it will take me another two or three weeks but then expect a burner image flood of how i see los angeles and other things in my life!), go visit you blogger and blogginas more often and have a private room of my own in my bagpack YAH!!!

one love!

piranha, always on the move, in my mind, in my soul, with my feet and shake that ass!!! :-)

settle down

funny how life goes.
the one guy who let me completely free, did not bother me with his emotions and shit, the one guy who called me from the very beginning a 'whild child full of grace' is the one with whom I slowly but surely slip into something that other people label as 'relationship' but what we refuse to see as such. That is, I am completely free to do whatever I have to do but the funny thing is that I don't want to because I don't want to hurt him.
I saw Jay a last time again, just the other night, and man, the next morning - I just missed my gipsy so much.

Keita is still a very important person in my life though and so is Sean. But I don't have any ambitions to develop these friendships into something physical at all....
It is so special to be with my gipsy, he is such a special special person...So is keita but but but, whatever will be will be, everything is fine as it is right now. Keita would need and demand total commitment, I couldn't give that to him and we both know that.

It s funny how you sort of get addicted to kissing and spending time with a certain person once you've been there. it s funny how i become such a sweet and cute person when you forget about my mean attacks and upset yelling fits every now and then....they come inclusive the package, man i was freakin conceived in ITALY. so no surprises! i warned you!

Oh Gipsy, you found your way somehow, sneaked into my heart......so what are we going to do now....what are we going to do now with that....should i just forget about you being five months younger than my little brother? (that makes you two years younger) should i just not analyze that much no more?

Gipsy, Gipsy....

fuck decisions

before anything i want to link here to my favorite blogs because i am too stupid to manage to have them on my blog where the rest of you guys have your favorite ones (the blogroll thing didn't work out with me, I am just really really stupid i guess when it comes down to computers) and at home on the mac of my sister i don't have the link-link displayed so i do it now, as i am at school right now....)

obi, the soul on ice from southlondon who always brings fresh and amazing music links/streams/videos to your table!!!
coffeey who is a fabulous writer with incredible taste
introspectre who is so introspective and she has a nice sexblog too!
humanity critic who is so critically funny and just wow
amadeo who i really would love to get to know one of these days
hermes who is just amazing in his writing
midwesthick is so sick

there are many more amazing bloggers out there that i enjoy, but these are the ones i read frequently.....
why does everything in life fucking requires decision making? it s so unfair. you can divide the people on this planet in:
pc people /mac people
tupac / biggie
pro bush / anti bush
those who learn how to play guitar / those who don't
active / passive
women / men
those who can make up their minds / those who can't

and freakin me, i am in the latter category.i mean for the making up the mind line

my sister says love is not sth you do or say or show, no, it s a decision.
i decided long ago, probably when i was still in the womb of my momma or maybe as a sperm in my daddies testicles that i will love the world to the fullest extend.
but nobody told me, that along the way i would have to make up my mind for PEOPLE. fuck that! this society....i mean, i understand that those rules are made to protect us, there are there for a reason, they are built on experience, universals truth concerning our emotional bonds and ups and downs, which cannot ever entirely be controlled and stirred by our intellects......
but, still, these rules are so society specific somehow....they drive me crazy.....
i DON'T want to DECIDE for one person.
I DONT

and still my best friends keep bugging me about that.
and i know and understand why
because it is not only about me
it is also about those i touch with my heart, my soul, my mind, my body
it is difficult to be entirely honest and open when things are so easily misunderstood. when you fear to lose sth due to that. when you fear to hurt

and now, as i am writing this i just think. oh fuck that, you know what? just lets eliminate fear all together.
would'nt that be a great idea.

fuck fear. FF



i love this world, oh my I do!!!

attempt to recapture the world as it looks like in complete turmoil

thanksgiving

in itself already problematic for me


okay, forget it. lets face the facts, lets go eat turkey (i tried it, although i am vegetarian. bah!)
but uh no, my sister wants to stay at home, is in a bad mood, all this mess in the house, you, you guys just go, i stay here.

'can i help you here sis?'

and then she jumped into my face. tore me into pieces. i spoiled little brat, egotistical ...just add some bad things here.
to be honest, i wasn't surprised and i had been waiting for that in some weird way already since quite a while.....
i stand there and i listen. i decide in my head to fucking close this blog, she knows the address, what i wrote here the last couple of weeks surely does not shed a better light on my case. consumed by my little sorry confused life i was. matter of fact, proved right here
but then again, it s only a distorted mirror of reality. it s a strange choice i make what to write about. sometimes random, sometimes planned. oh my god, i am trippin. my brother in law just stepped up behind me and in panic i closed the laptop. damn, what in the freakin fuck am i scared of?

so i stand there and feel like so often like in the eye of the storm; strangely calm, standing still but strong, listening to what she really wants to say and just waiting, nodding with my head to signal i understand...

after a while she gets quieter. my responses are quiet so it calms her down to.
i hardly can hold my tears back. oh my god.
it s just that when somebody tells me sth bad about me i always tend to give them right immediately, unconditionally.
i hate defending myself because i feel like a barking dog then. you know the saying.....the dog that feels guilty barks the loudest.....
so i just listen and try to fight the tears and try to think clearly, try to compare her version of the last past month (the first month is excused as an 'adjusting month') with my version.
in many points i agree with her, in some i know that she preceived it wrongly. not that it makes me a better person, but when it comes down to feelings, intentions and motivations i know the best what it was when it concerns me, right? she knows best, how it came across for her.
i sit there and i cry and i sobb and i tell her that i really don't want to be that person that she just described. she is not the first one to call me egotistical in my family. matter of fact, and that is funny in a way, everybdoy said that this side of me would make me the best match to live with her. ha - ha.

i hear her. i under-stand her ideas on family, emotional investment, love being a decision. making sacrifices at the right time at the right place, working for free as opposed to working for money, especially when it is family. helpin out when it is family....i feel her.

and suddenly i feel like this is the ground making of our relationship.
i haven't seen my sister most of my life. the first time i could remember her clearly i was seven and her daughter was born in our house. then they left and i didn't see her for ten years. then i didn't saw her for another four years and then last year in london for a weekend. and now i am here for at least six months, as i set myself as a minimum to let things happen as they will happen with us and me here in los angeles....so how could we expect this to be easy? we feel like sister, we want to be sisters, but we don't know how to be sisters with each other, - she of course says thats not the point and it is sth general about emotional investment, having it or not, but for me it is more that....the finding out part....because i know i do feel emotional investment in an abstract way (that of course is bullshit for her but whatever) but did not put it inot practice because i just AM like that, that i withdraw myself. i just go. not always, this time i did because......

i came here with all this good advice of all my family members who had visited and lived with her previously. and maybe i took some advice to serious. maybe i overdid some. maybe i am really just egotistical and lazy. and incompetent and impotent or rather a little asshole who is only going to work well when there is money waving from far away.
well, to set things straight, i am not. i thought about it more than once. the original intention for me to come here was 1. to help my niece. i have the feeling i can help her in some way and wanted to at least be here so if that was true i could do that. 2. the musicians institute and improving my guitar playing for my own sanity 3. to get to know my sister who looks so similar to me although she is 15 years older and we share only the same momma.
so money was never really an issue. also the prospect of them paying my school one day once my niece makes it maybe big wasn't really a choice in my conscious mind. i always tell people that i ll probably pay 100 $ a month for the rest of my life for this school.
so, i think this advice i had from everybody as how to deal with the situation and my own slow pace in finding out how i can be best within that situation and give my best, and my own huge anticipations and fears prior to coming here and their expectations they never really formulated either created this huge misunderstanding that made me back up within myself and withdraw my emotional investment, going away, just like her husband used to do, instead of confronting....

it s funny how i share traits of his character and in the same time so many with her......

and i love her so much....

i don't want her to hate me.

i decided there that no matter what anybody says, i am going to establish my own opinion and understanding for her and even though people say that she always can convince you of her case, i don't care. i am convinced and i dig her points.
we spent a fabulous time together after this fight.
we sewed my nieces fashion in one night for the photo shoot today, we had sisterly talks, and her whole family is sort of different towards me now....the kids are so connected and loyal to her that they immediately mirror her attitude towards me........

so i refocus, make a decision and try to bust my ass more. for my family.

thanks god gipsy supports me doing that......

that night i thought: damn. right. love is a decision......i gotta make one now too.

but today i know i am allright....i am allright, as long as the family is allright...as long as my relationship with my family is healthy.............

oh my god. family

family

can i say more?

can i say more?

can I say more?

no...oh no............







more later....

the gipsy

it s funny how you start missing a person when you just hang out with him/her enough.
i fucking miss my gipsy. i even want him to come up to my practice lab in his breaks and we are in this room and hold hands and kiss sometimes or talk or i yell at him for some stupid reason. well, he says i yell, i think i am just euphorically speaking and today he even admitted that he likes that, hahaha.
but thats so weird. or walking hand in hand through hollywood with him. thats weird. very weird. in the beginning i had serious problems with that, i would only hold his hands when we would be far enough away from school. i wouldn't kiss or hug him intimately around my school. now we even kiss in freakin practics labs and people can look straight into the rooms because they have windows.

i decided i don't care. when they see me with someone else and think i am a slut, so what!
i am not.
i thought about that a lot. you are slutty, when you just fuck around. when each and every moment though, that you live with another person, is genuine and true to your heart and love it is allright. it is just not what our system prescribes us from day one.
creates a lot of problems too. i guess this system tries to prevent us from our primitive emotions such as jealousy, greed, need, vanity, rage, revenge, etc.

gipsy is or at least tries to be very cool about that. he always is like 'whatever man, do your thing!' he wants me to spend time with K. too but he doesn't like Sean....what really freaked me out today was however, when he told me that he googled me. he said 'i found interesting things about you in the internet piranha!'
i was like 'freeeeze' WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK???? man, is there a link to my blog connected to my real name? waaaah! just imagine he read all that! it would be bad! bad! although he is cool and can know the truth, i don't lie, but neither do i say everything.....truth hurts......he wouldn't understand that. what i write here is so easily misunderstood. oh my god.
but he didn't he found the things connected to my real name and i calmed down. but still, the intial moment was shocking....

oh my gipsy.
i got so upset today because he really only eats once a day. at 8 o'clock PM. Pizza and Sprite.
can you believe that? i preached the whole dead prez '8 glass water a day thats what they say' thing (i think the song is called 'discipline') to him and said i even don't wanna touch him no more because his body must be full of shit.
he felt bad, he said he always feels bad but thats what keeps him going when he has to work until midnight (he is in the producing programme and they work like dogs). yeah sure, fills him up but it doesn't nourish him, idiot!
aaaaah, i am raving about it again, i am fucking furious when i think about it.

and then i have to tell myself ' i don't care' i forgot. i don't. whatever....

but i don't want to be like whatever. i don't wanna make promises, be his girlfriend or what not, but i can't help caring about him. and wanting to be with him. whatever the reason is..habit? habituation? missing someone? i don't know......

vitality

i just found another gorgeous cafe in hollywood! it s the second or third, if you include that cool club i was talking about in my last post. it s called Karma cafe and man, there is NO RACISM of furniture there! it s all mixed up, different styles, beautiful light, plants, art, oh MAN IT S SO FREAKING BEAUTIFUL!!! me and gipsy landed there on a search for somewhere to sit during our monday after noon walking around time (holding hands and kissing like lovebirds....so sweet....)and it took me like ten minutes to calm down so excited i was about the beauty we just found....the bartenders name was duffy and he made me gorgeous tea in a beautiful cup. A REAL BEAUTIFUL CUP! folks, I AM EXCITED!!! thats food for the soul, that all together. then, the music. awwww! man!!!woman!!! weooow! at some point they played 'yesterday' and everyone in that cafe sang along...it was so joyful. there was this one guy, old old guy, dressed in a beautiful way sort of, with a hat, long beard. and he just sat there, and it looked like he was merged into the seat, as if he was part of the furniture....hm....

so gipsy and I sit there, just being close to each other, argueing a little bit still about what we were talking in the street: how our body is our temple and we should take responsibility for it...
all of the sudden, i lean on his chest and just look into eternity, tears roll down my face...pmsing i guess, or just allowing myself being soft...when i do that i often start crying for no reason...it is this sadness underlying everything, somehow. strange thing that, but he understands. asks, but lets it be when i can't answer....

he says i shouldn't smoke. i say i don't like it anymore anyways. at least today i didn't. i hated it. so i didn't smoke. you shouldn't destroy yourself he says. i say, yes i know, dammit, but it takes a lot more to destroy ME. you know. well, what, you can tell me what to do but i can't tell you he asks. (i was explaining him he should eat organic food and good stuff because he only eats once a day and his body is of course, in this case, taking everything it can out of the food, so it better be good, right???he is destroying himself otherwise....) no i say, you can tell me whatever you like, but still it is a matter of fact that it takes a lot more to destroy me, you know. i can take a lot. i have a lot of substance.
he is like 'what, do you want to say i am hollow or shit?'
no, it s not like that, but i am more....i have more energy,,,sort of...hm, you know i don't mean that judgemental, it s just the way it is...don't you think so....i am just more vital than you are!'
face it gispy!

and then i try to explain, and as so often i understand myself also just by explaing something to others:

here we go. how couldn't i be vital. i lived 18 YEARS...i am 22 now, so four out of 22 years i did NOT live there, but 18 years i did (yeah, yeah, i ll get to the point shut up already!) live on a hill in the black forest, with a broad broad view all the way across the Rhein valley to the Swiss alps...at times the fogg would cover the whole valley and the hills stick out like islands..the comfort of my mom who longed out to alaska and the pacific ocean all this time....behind me the hill/mountain, covered with fairy tale woods, up to the old tower where we would make campfired and sleep with out daddy....i spent 18 YEARS there...cows, horses, sheep....at nights sneaking into this public swimming pool..idyllic.....full moon.....running out when the heavy summer rains falls, naked as children, later just in PJ's, running with my sisters through the evening, leaning into the strong wind, leaning against waving trees......running throuh high grass, playing orphans, robber and police, indians and cowboys, sitting in trees for hours and hours, reading, running through the wood, telling stories to myself, admiring and breathing in the beauty of nature...the little river streams....blocking them with stones and earth, creating little pools....later i went a lot of horseback riding or training in the mornings in the woods......a world of its own, throwing all the baggage away that you collect in school, everyday life....being knights, native americans, fairytale princesses and elves and dwarfs....we d build little castles for dwarfs, and believed in them, gave them food and sometimes there would be a precious stone lying there, as a gift back, of course it was my mom, now i know, but still....climbing the most difficult trees as a challenge...sitting in trees to protect them from being cut down.....
singing EVERY night, and praying, with my mom. praying before every meal (well, later in our teenage years that got more and more seldom, but still...), driving up this fucking hill with the bike, almost collapsing, being so proud when looking down at the lights of the city....this world, i felt then, this world belongs to me!

playing piano early in the morning in this big hall of the boarding school my dad worked at. having my own strawberry field, working in the garden with my dad. seeing the sunflowers grow....getting milk DIRECTLY from the farmer. (folks, you DON"T KNOW, what real milk tastes like!), cleaning the barn, taking care of the horses...acting...we had parties, my friends and I, when I was 15, where we would just put together whatever we have to eat, in this hall of the boarding school in our house, make music together or listen to music and play theater. just invent something, improvise. no drugs, no bullshit, just living creativity. being laughed at by the kids in the boarding school who all were there because of said things, drugs, bullshit, but we had fun anyways. cleaning up the river, tons and tons of garbage. investigating in our village who is responsible for that. hostility. exciting research, creating a garbage monster, going to the market and making people aware of that problem.....you know....how, tell me, how could i NOT BE VITAL???
relatively great family. we had bad bad fights, we did, man, at age 13 i had the feeling i lost my SMILE. laughter....but all in all it was beautiful.
EVERYDAY music in the house! i was practicin flute, piano, guitar...my sister violin, the other sister Cello, my brother trumpet...in the eveing my mom would play this special flute out of cupper and guitar...alaskan songs....the roses in front of our house, oh they smelled soooo soo fine....you d take a deep breath every time you enter the house, magic smell, fulfills and nourishes your soul...sitting in a meadow, for hours, writing, reading, crying....sleeping....phantasie at its best....inventing stories....dreaming.....about the world. me the captn of a sailing ship, in it, stiring it, taking care of the oceans that i dind't have, the whales, dolphins, the people, that i love so much.

the worst thing would be to be forbidden to read. we didn't have tv, so i read a lot. bad bad ;-)

then my school, a gorgeous school, one day i ll post about it. waldorf school for those who know. it was a good one. lots of handcrafts, sports, culture, man, i know how to weave, how to black smith, to make bowls out of cupper, to make a cupboard and ktichen device out of wood, how to sew, design, knit, all that...to make books....played in an orchestra for 7 years. 7 YEARS of orchestra, just imagine that...every week harmony written into your soul. and practice....*sighs*, breathe in breathe out....that was wonderful. good good friends. my classmates were awesome, my teachers were mostly awesome. a little provincal town, small, quiet, nice, close to Basel, an international little city, beautiful, beautiful, lost of culture, all you need.
later when i was older i would go partying there, with my best friend, stay up until 6 take the first train home. my parents didn't know, they trusted me anyways.

what a life

and how, how could i NOT BE VITAL after all this? it is mathematics.



----------------
and thats the reason why i feel i want to give so much back to this world. i don't want to be a sucker. i want to be a reflector. thats why i feel like that FIRST. of course also because i am piscies and piscies supposedly always feel like they have to follow a duty first before they can have fun, but whatever whatever, thats how i feel like....i love you so much world, and i want to show that to you

update of my private life for some inpatient people (man, didn't you enjoy my attempts to write poetry???damn....)

so, Arim, here is the update...

my life in Los Angeles....first things first! one of these days i gonna buy a digital camera and obifromsouthlondon, i will then post pics here - LA how I see it....
oh and it will be gorgeous...i am starting to connect and, wooops, as soon as i open up the good stuff is happening....found finally a decent, what am I saying, a GORGEOUS underground club that is actually open until 6 AM, you can smoke in one of those gorgeous beautiful rooms (with lots of art, posters, writings....) and in the main room (plus adjacent chill out rooms with a real piano in there yeha) you can only smoke pot.....'it comes with the culture', as an old rastafari explained to me.
I ate a whole cookie, chocolate chip i believe it was, thinking it contained Marihuana. *giggles* I am so dumb and naive, it s just unbelievable. i actually ate this cookie because i felt i want to get high. yeah. a cookie, finally, man, i really felt like i want to do this. and then all i got from it is some unnecessary additional calories. hahaha. yeah. thats Piranha life. i cannot and cannot escape those calories, no matter how hard i try (well i don't really try ....i admit.....but thats why i am being told all the time that my body is so gorgeous. hahaha. oh man.....MEN!!!)
the cool thing about this club is (and i am raving on and on about it in all my letters to my friends) that you don't know about it when you don't know about it. sounds logical, huh? the point is, however, that they don't advertise at all. just mouth to mouth propaganda.
and in my case, i HAVE to praise the childish curiosity and openess inside of me for this matter, I stopped because this girl was singing and playing guitar behind this fence....yeah. and i stopped, we talked and voila, there we went.....open mic night, me and my wife (yes, she is NOT really my wife and she is straight!) wanted to recite Jaques Prevert "je suis comme je suis..." (I am how I am...) in spoke word and guitar/singing but i got so shitfaced from my wife's whiskey and this rum punsch that a random sexy motherfucker bought for me that I actually threw up (well i made myself throw up) for the first time in my whole life. Man, seriously, i felt so SO BAD and sick, that i had to make myself spit this shit out.....i guess that all happened because, miraculously and very uncommonly i had forgotten to eat this day and thats why I got drunk so quickly...i mean, yeah, i am not a good drinker anyways, and honestly, i also don't really see the meaning and sense and cool thing about it, but matter of fact, i was bad off.

what i did was i called Sean (i wrote about him in one of my previous posts) later and asked him whether i could stay at his place. it was the freakin same day he had asked me per short message texting whether i would like to sleep with him, after weeks and weeks and weeks of flirting. luckily he couldn't help me, was working at nights (i can relate to that, am a night worker too) and so i ended up calling my wife, she didn't pick up her phone and Jean wasn't at home either and I was stuck on Hollywood Boulevard and figured that I just had to spend another night in one of those practice labs in my school....
somehow, however, i impulsively decided I d call Jayjay, the guy I had an affair with lately...he is this motherfucking sexy asshole who I met in Byrds the other night, when I was with my wife and her friends out there....

.for some reason, I had to watch their stuff while they went outside to smoke (yeah, in the US, dear German friends, we smoke OUTSIDE< yeah) I started to talk to those guys, you know, the typical LA type of guys "oh, you are musician? i can put you on a show like in two weeks" (me "yeah sure, how do you like it? doggy style? SM? tender and slow?....fuck that!!!") and one of them, a sexy African American DJ, introduces me to the owner of the bar, a rocking lady in her midforties or so, and after a few words ("i am from Berlin" -"this is the first bar I dig out here! it s cool!" i really thought so by the way) it turns out she loves FUNK as much as I do....so she puts on some FUNKY music and says over the mic that it is for me, 'piranha from berlin and her birthday!' well, haha, so be it, and she puts me up there in this cage thing where I had to dance. yiha!!! i was just swept away by the music, my wife took pics, they look HORRIBLE!!!hahaha, but it was great. i had so much fun, everybody was cheering in the bar and i got a couple of freedrinks....apparaently one LA chick down there in the crowd murmured to her friend, but my wife heard it, that she is a professional dancer and she d show me how it goes and shit, and when she went up there after me she just circled her ass around like some cheap late night sports stripping on German TV but I cheered for her anyways and she was quite puzzled as to the fact that i didn't view this as a competition....
anyways, when we had to leave that club (yeah, at two they close down...assholes...) I wound up talking to this motherfucking sexy asshole i was talking about earlier. this other guy, the DJ, had told me earlier that this guy is also a musician and shit, and so i start talking to him and we both just try to be the alpha animal in the game , as he put it later, acting all cool.....i asked him for a cigarette and he is like 'if you give me a kiss' and i refused and blablabla, somehow we start talking about portraits and that i would portray him for his studio if he likes and he says he draws too and would like to draw me and blabla, and later, i was talking to other guys

(oh yet another story! there was this nerdy type of boy, small, ugly and a genious kick ass drawer/painter/graphicist whose contact i wrote down, you know, business, you never know....and his friend comes up and says, yeah he is so kick ass, and it s so wonderful to give him kisses on his forehead, he is perfect for that (i guess he mean the size but whatever) and i said, well, i d prefer to kiss him on his mouth and then we kissed, and halleluja, he was a DAMN GREAT kisser! i mean, people, the outer appearance is so damn misleading at times....but anyways, that was a fun little episode inbetween....)

i saw he was about to leave and I walk up to him and say 'see, i don't give kisses for cigarettes, i give only unconditional kisses, and i d like to give you one'
so i kiss him on his cheek and he says, wow, can i have one more and i say yeah sure, whereever you want and he points on his mouth and i give him a kiss...and as he is trying to kiss him I say 'fuck, no, no kissing back, I am the kisser here, you gotta control yourself. no kissing back' so he does that and i say, cool, what about the drawing. you still wanna draw me?
he says yes sure, when?"
i say i don't know
he says now"
i say yeah why not
and we leave in a yellow cab.

my wife, of course, checked everything out before that, and as we say in German, fools, children and drunk say the truth and she was all the three of it so i didn't worry about her judgemental capabilities.
i know, i know, it sounds all so freakin stupid and naive, but matter of fact I DO rely on my intuition and it was all ok so far.
so we get to his little appartment somewhere on santa monica boulevard and i undress myself and pose on the bed and he really starts painting me. we are listening to Badu meanwhile and he knows all the lyrics and just goes crazy about them......truly appreciative ......he really concentrates hard, the painting is shitty but i don't say it, it is so cute how he concentrates and tries not to get hot and shit.....
later, when he is done, we just lie on his bed and talk about life, Badu, and suddenly start laughing as we realize that we both thought about each other 'what in the fuck does this chick/dude think she/he is? masks.....alpha animals..." the evening takes such an unexpected turn.....i talk about this wall i was experiencing the last weeks, i mean it s always been there but i sort of started tackeling that issue just lately, after my New York experience.....and i say, i cannot help it, but as you talk to me and we get closer in a matter of seconds, i feel how i rise it and i start fighting it and start crying over it, because thats what happens always when i try to tear that wall down (yeah, TEAR it down, hehe, nice word pun...) and so i cry in his arms and HE IS COOL ABOUT IT. no problem! and now, show me a guy who can actually take a girl crying! all men i know are paranoid about that....jesus......after hours, so it seems, he asks me suddenly whether he now can kiss me back and it is so much better, just as he said, and it is wonderful.....he stops and says, i think we shouldn't go down all the way....' i think we shouldn't.
man, i am impressed, haha, i mean, i haven't heard a guy say that often.......but then, in the end, love in the moment, and i believe it was true love in the moment because it was such a special moment, we are overwhelmed and let it happen anyways.......

so that is Jayjay....i was so crazy about him after that, that i really wanted to see him again, but the second time was shitty. it was good sex, no doubt, but he really pissed me off whith his attitude.....so i decided that i wouldn't call him again, regard it as one of those beautiful once in a lifetime experiences and concentrate on all those other boys and men i am dealing with in the moment (my little gipsy, Sean, my crush, Keita, my admirer, Luis, the loser....)
but as I was walking drunk on Hollywood Blvd I suddenly decided he would be the guy to call right then...so i did, he was totally cool, said he would come and meet me so we could take a cab home to his place....
so he did, and in the first moments he was really distant sort of, obviously he thought that i just needed a place to stay at so thats why i called him. at his house he said, go to sleep or whatever, i don't care. but then i explained him that i didn't really need a place to STAY but to BE. i could have easily stayed at my school done that before. ....but being there with him, was what i wanted, spontaneously....so we started talking again and he is talking about his life and his realizations these days and man, i could relate so well to all he said and the lovemaking was sweet and wonderful.
so i really don't know where this is going to lead me.....

because, obviously i am putting myself in a difficult situation...the next morning my gipsy called me (although I had told him that i need a break from hanging out with him....we really spent too much time the last week.....and i don't know, but when he said, one night as we were laying in the motor home innocently next to each other (yeah, we are so innocent it is not funny anymore, but i enjoy it SO much. and strangely enough I feel like a virgin with him...i feel like...man, i can't have sex with this guy because that eventually would be love making, and hell, yeah, i admit that i am scared of that like hell.....and funnily enough i have to admit and see that meeting him appear to be a repetitive act of life/destiny as to teach me sth that i don't yet get...he reminds me in many ways of my ex in Berlin that i had to break up with last winter.....except for my ex, man, we fit together like puzzles in a game, his body was strong enough for my body, it was so perfect and i miss that a lot....and his kisses so fucking breathtakingly amazing...with my gipsy it isn't that evidently matching...he is skinny....and not the best kisser of my life, but thats beside the point. he is a great and very important person in my life and matter of fact, right now i miss him TERRIBLY. aaargh) well, back to the story, when he said then 'i think i love you' - the next day, dear readers, i was RUNNING! my wife noticed that, she said, fuck Piranha, why don't you call your Gipsy, when i was drunk. Don't call Sean, did you see his hair it is DIRTY (well in fact he really has not the cleanest looking LOOOONG dreads), what are you running from????"
but hey, i have never said i don't run. in fact, i always say in advance that i am a runaway bride.
but the cool thing about my gipsy is, that he understands that. he lets me run. he lets me grow my garden, he understands that all those boys and men that play a role right now in my life are not a fruitsalad that i just eat, but that they are flowers in my garden...and that i need to take care of them in very special and different ways.....
of course he doesn't know that i have sex with Jay jay but man, thats a really unnecessary thing to tell a guy who was heartbroken at age 17, walking into his girlfriend having sex with a 40 year old dude!!!!!!


so this morning at Jayjay's place my gipsy calls me, ALTHOUGH i told him i was gone, that the 'whild child full of grace' as he calls me, is making me trouble.....but yeah, he calls anyways and minutes later Eddy, the guy who wrote me a loveletter after we had made out with each other (i had met him in a club and later i found out he has a girlfriend and told him to fuck off and fix things with his girlfriend)...he came back into my life because of that letter...we met a second time and just talked, it was awesome, he is a really really special person and then he gave me a kiss and said, thats to memorize me, and left for good. nwo it was my turn on saying that i couldn't take THAT and proposed that we d spend a night at this magic bay i know to REALLY have sth to memorize....a once in a lifetime thing.....after hick hack back and forth he called me a 'romantic visionary' and man, maybe we gonna do that! and i am really looking forward to it! and i do not right now care about his girlfriend...man, i REGRETTED to having let David from Zimbabwe go in Berlin. I ain't gonna do that no more! a special encounter can count and be valuable and right in its own terms, out of space and time, and i feel we can do that....i feel we can.....you know, guys, i think these days, that love, in a not concentrated form, is POLYGAM, whereas relationships always should be monogam....and how to find a balance within that, is everybodys very own business.....

see, what predicament i putmyself in....being at jayjays, having two ot those beautiful flowers in my garden call me.....the gardener is busy...yeah....


then yesterday and today i spend a lot of time with my gispy, after calming down a bit.....he is the only one i actually take home and spend a lot of my spare time with.....we listen to bob dylan and rage against the machine and joplin in his car that his cousins stole for him (bad bad!), he watches me sleep in his arms, takes me and my brother to the beach and just sits there and plays the guitar while we are swimming.....and we talk and hold hands and kiss each other....and i miss him so much right now.....
and i am trying to figure out what i wanna do about Sean.....thats very strange now, he doesn't answer my text messages and maybe thats better anyways....i wanted to have mindsex with Sean in the first place...and he seems to not get that.......whatever...life is a rollercoster when you jump into it and thats where i am right now: IN THE BIG BIG LOOP

the child in us, oh be protected...a letter to my dear friend Arim

my dear dear Arim

oh my love...how much i wish i could have been with you and talk to
you about it face to face...if you feel you have to meet him (explanation:
a real touch and tender (t&t) German guy, incredible kisser, nice and slow,
but doing hard drugs....my dear Arim is still in Berlin, yeah!), go for
it, but don't please don't, for gods sake make him think you could
help him out there. you can't . please learn from me in this case, i
have been through a five year sad tragedy with pedro and i know what i
am talking about. the only way how those poeple can get out of there
is when their friends and family turn away from them and they keep
encountering people who turn away and say what you said before you
left maria. i think that was great.
i hope you keep yourself together and remember you roots. thats
tremdendously important. remember how you used to be quite religious
and the hiking trips? thats all still in yhou. thats why people who
are fucked up are attracted to you. they are attracted to me, to j,
(my sister), anybody who is goodhearted and open and tolerant, curious
as a child. mira, you are a child, too. i am a child, you are a child,
we are children. don't you forget that. we are gods children. foremost
and for all, but then we are also just like children. we can sit on a
sidewalk on a sunny eastern morning, fresh but nice air, and clap
hands and giggle. we didn't take drugs that night, i hope you
didn't...and still we had fun. see, thats the child in u s. we can do
it, and believe me arim, out here more than ever i realize, that this
is not the normal. thats not the norm. not many people can be like
that. you have these big eyes, this sweet voice, this good heart, you
listen, you are shy but so flexible. people want to make love to you.
you bring the good out in them. they want to touch you, get sth from
what they think is so angelic and good in  you. you did drugs, but you
are not hardcore and hopefully you are not into it (i pray, pray and
pray! No E no more, mira, thats fucked up and stupid. it messes up
your brain! it does! my little gipsy here has been through all the
shit, and man, he knows enough about drugs to scare the shit out of
you! there is no drug that doesn't harm you. the bad thing is, it also
messes up your mind and soul. the genuinity of it. the purity. i know,
me too, i wanted to go through the dirt and mess. there is nothing
wrong but don't forget your roots.

i gotta go right now, i ll write more later...my brother in law needs
his computer.
i love you arim, don't you forget that. i hope to hear from you soon

much much love and smiles

your little piranha, using her teeth every now and then ;-)

upside down

he gave me all of the sudden a passionate hug, embraced me with a force i hadn't expected from him. what, if intelligence chains you always and separates you from the living energy?
he kissed me on my cheeks, my neck, gave me his number, all this after weeks and weeks of flirting, hating, runnning away and waiting.
do you want to sleep with me?
i want to be wide awake, sean, i want to see! i want to live what dead prez tried to say with mind sex, break free!
he waited for so long with that and meanwhile the wild child was flying. like a butterfly from one flower to the other, enjoying life and suffering from foggy clouds of confusion
worlds within second turned upside down
my heart was racing and in the same time i was wondering what it means to be a clown
a mask that plays all that you fear a mask that makes you capable to bear
the confusion of love profusion
words came easily when i was talking to you in my mind
once with you i felt ignorant and blind
see i am scared so scared to bind
myself to things, to be intertwined

making love, just for the love of it?
i know somebody who can admit
of loving me and respecting me
letting me free
the gipsy talking....

i told him, my gipsy that i need to be on my own
then Keita called and said that i need to focus to be shown
the overwhelming moving power of creativity within
he sees the talent in me, says it s not a sin

then my world crumbled turned 360 degree
oh sean, i don't know whether it d be a good idea
to give in to this game we played, you see,
what does it really mean to be without fear........

meanwhile all this happened in act one
i was busy making plans to meet up with eddy
give beauty a chance and live for one night,
create a moment of eternal value
make a dream happen instead of dreaming
and now, now i feel so upside down


cater pillars, before they become butterflies, become cocoons, hanging upside down from a plant
i can't wait, people, world, life, i can't wait
until
comes the day
i cross the burning water
stop being an island
transform
into
this butterfly i was seeing the other sweet sunny morning
when i was all on my own
in a vision that comforted me
and dried my tears
and stilled my longing

say i love you

say i love you
and i ll run
horizons opening up
i say it s fun

i know i know,
i ll never reach
the line
i know i know
i am lying
and i am not fine

one point
implosion
forces i fear break free
concentration
is always charged
with a very high fee

say i love you
try to tame me
chains are lose
but not cut free

freedom is just another word
for being scared
eternal flirt

wild child full of grace

she shakes and shivers the cold breeze slings its arms around her soul and her breathe is silver like smoke of a holy fire.

wild child full of grace

she rests, like a child, fetal position, sun shining on her dried face. once she was a searcher, a warrior but that is not anymore.

wild child full of grace

slowly dancing along the thin red line between dark and light. release what is not free in me, move what is stagnated, rusty, unflexible.

wild child full of grace

like a butterfly she escapes the cold, comes into the sun, dries and unfolds her wings, one split of a second here the next she is already there, sometimes resting on a flower, admiring the beauty, inhaling the sacred smell, touching, caressing, tenderly kissing the leaves and leaves. leaves to another place, in her own pace, you cannot tame what is not wild, you cannot tame what is so fragile, butterfly just evaporates into the eternity of circulating life, ceasing, ressurrecting, being, leaving.....wild child full of grace is graceful for life, wild child full of grace has so much grace to give, overflowing with love for you, for the whole madow,

wild child full of grace

let me be your lover world, let me be your lover.

i don't want to be
disconnected
i risk the pain
the hatred
the disappointment
the grief
the wounds
the tears
i risk the joy
the bliss
the true love in the moment
the hapiness
the satisfaction
the success

of a wild child full of grace
of a lover
who loves this world
with all devotion
that you said

i was missing......

you ve got to know....what you have to know...

One thing that is very specific about me is, that i refuse to think that there is anything really really bad out there. everything happens for a reason, everything can be transformed into something else.

metamorphose...

it doesn't mean that i won't be passionate about things i think are bad. i will fight them, but i will be cool. i will cry, lose it, be furious, all the works, but in the end i still won't think that there is really such a thing as evil and pure bad. if you know what i mean. i refuse to, and i well know that i might be wrong, but i simply can't help it.

on a personal level i don't think, for example that it is undesirable or bad when i am feeling down. damn, when i am freakin feeling down i want to FEEL DOWN! there is NOTHING WRONG with that! right? nothing. just let me be fucking down. down down down. don't talk to me, don't try to freakin explain me the world, i know how things seem to work, why i shouldn't be sad, all that. fuck that!

my wife, Klodia, came. looked at me. took her earphones, put them in my head. some good minimal techno. aaaah. come on, she said, lets go and play. we went up, switched the light off and improvised for 45 mintues. she on the piano (a goddess!!!) and me on the flute/singing.

the gipsy sat there, enjoying it. later, in awe, he admitted it never happened to him before, that he couldn't help someone who is down with his words. damn, gipsy, all that you said...these were my lines! i know them ! aaah.
and i know they don't help.

my wife is just the best. she knows how to help me. i am happy she is out here. what would i do here without her. without her....damn...thanks god, thanks god for that.......


so the conclusion of all this is, you ve got to know what you have to know...the only thing you have to know is who can bring you up again when you are down. and there is nothing wrong with being down but with indulging in it for too long.....

the best friend

many people like to believe that they are my best friend.
matter of fact, it s been quite a while ever since i have abandoned the idea of one best friend. truth is, that everybody needs somebody near to their heart but nobody ever said that it has to be the one and same person for ever and ever. I also don't think that one friend is somehow better than the other but merely different.

and in diversity lies the beauty of this world.

it's amazing, however, how again and again i come across this idea that i most certainly will become or be or am the best friend of somebody....so told me my gipsy today in the morning when i asked him concerned whether i was talking too much 'no, i enjoy that and you seem to quickly one of my best friends.....'
well, i am willing, my dear, to be the best friend you ever had, as long as you don't expect me to stick to that label. i don't like sticky labels.
to be more specific..i hate them......

a best friend. a best friend....
well, let me tell you now of the person who is close to my heart here in hollywood. her name is klodetta and her nickname is 'my wife' because one day we decided that we should get married in Las Vegas.
the gorgeous thing about her is, that she is not only fun in herself and all about drinking, smoking and party and men, but she is also one of the best piano players i have ever heard in my life and that is a very crucial part for our friendship. this way we get to improvise together on the flute and piano and that is what helped me out of my crisis yesterday. i cried and sobbed and couldn't stop. no talking helped. nothing. but her playing.....
so she is what i d call a best friend

aaah. i am too tired now. number five turned up here, just coming from the airport, we met in his car, had a great conversation and some hot kisses all over and i was so freakin turned on but he left to leave us something to dream about.

fine. so i go now and dream. argh. argh argh.

open the fucking box dammit

i came here to freakin open that box.
and now i am sitting here, wondering whether there was ever a box in the first place, and even more scary: if so, whether there was ever something in it.

when i was a child, a teenager until 17 maybe....i was very much how i think i am. myself. daring, opening up......and the older i get the more difficult it seems to be.

i am very good in flirting and socialising, but on stage i freakin suck. and i know, i thought i KNEW that i DON't! I thought that i have something to give! where has this feeling gone? when i was 13, i had the urgent feeling that I DO HAVE a lot to say, give and show.

and now i am all so insecure about it, don't dare it, hate myself, the way i am. i hate this box and i hate not knowing whether it is a placebo box or serious issues...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh?!!!!!

how,
tell me,
HOW can i get back in touch with myself?????????

dadam

klodetta.
my wife
future
i am drunk a little
she has a bad influence on me
but i asked her today to marry me
i broke a rose
a real one
rose
and smelling like paradise
and i asked her to go up to vermont

with me...

and my gypsie called me
and said he needs help
and he doesnt want me to smoke

and it is a beautiful night
life improvisation and covering
the guys rock
i sing
and my voice

is

beautiful


just now


and tonight



and the only reality we will ever really have
is the moment


the beauty

BEAUTY

of the moment

multitasking and why i can't wait to be 30 years old

Instead of worrying and growing myself grey hair about such indecent a problem like mine right now i decided to stick with what we are supposedly bestest at: multitasking.
Yes, it is a drag when you don't fall in love with one definite person but hey, don't fucking complain about having to choose and having too many guys who are actually all very good looking, interesting and gorgeous who want to date you....you know what i mean? you don't do that. there are too many singles out there who would wish for that sort a predicament....

Now that is how it goes:
one for holding hands, letting things grow in the silence we enjoy together, feeling so much like it is no coincidence that we met ...
one for having deep conversations with, energetizing conversations and hugs and to play/jam guitar with
one for being unhappy and tragically in love and flirting on a very intellectual challenging level...
one for feeling physical chemistry happening, a sensual and tender and loving person
one to try to get me
one to make love to. or practice so.

that is multitasking at its best.
when number one, two and three AND four happen to be in the same spot at the same time it becomes difficult though. Discrecy which is the most important thing here to maintain is almost impossible then.

- I disappeared to the 'restroom' and never came back -

*laughs*

oh world...thats fucked up

and i love it
and it confuses me
and i seriously don't know what i want to do
yeah, these are the months, maybe years of confusion
and this is exactly why i can't wait until i am 30...
fuck early twenties. fuck them

------------------------------------------------

by the way, something wonderful to share with you guys out there: my teenage love who went down the drain with drugs, got schizophrenic and shit, is totallky clean now! he became vegan, even doesn't smoke cigarettes no more and basically meditates like 4 hours a day and woha, sounds like a holy person to me.....i guess, people have to go from one extreme to the other in order to balance things out.
but i am so incredibly happy for him. i hope it lasts
i ve prayed for Pedro so many nights and i have shed to many tears and written so many letters, poems and songs. for him. he is always in my heart and always subject of my secret wishes i can make when i blow out my birthday candles or other occasions like that.

mute

evening sky...i dive in, refreshing feeling. a candle, red wine....dazzling music, makes my heart beat faster...
love breathe in, breathe out.
it is all out there.
magic happens every day if we allow it to happen.
why can't i get hold of sean?
everybody tells me the Gypsie boy looks so great next to me...we together...we are just holding hands, like 15 year olds, it is catching up with what i didn't have enough back then...
hands...
family....
two of my cousins from Alaska are here.
it s amazing how much alike we are in a way and how quickly we can connect.
its family

i stare into the evening sky and i feel like singing
but i am mute

'do you know what your problem is?'

well, hum, yes, no, i tried to find out, yeah, even here, you witnessed it, trying to dig out some shit out of the dark, just to see how it would be whitherin, whining and shivering in the light and maybe transform or evaporate.
but my problem?
well, hell, tell!

your problem is you need devotion to something bigger, greater than anything in life.

dang. yeah. hell yeah, i guess thats what i am looking for ever since i am a kid. at times i thought i knew right now i feel like i have abandoned everything i was clinging to earlier. clear ship as we use to say in German. and lost as to know what it is that i actually want.

i almost started crying, unexpectedly. i was really surprised by that, that sort of reaction was really the least i thought i would have to that stupid a statement. but the way he said it and also who it said just poked me right into the heart...Keita just sees right through me. He sees my wall. When I said that i feel that we have a connection he shook his head and said slowly 'no i don't think so'
just imagine that. you just have a gorgeous deep conversation with somebody, you feel chemistry happen, magic, energy....and then you confess you feel that there is a connection and the person in question just says 'no'.
then he said 'there is this wall Piranha. i can't get through. it s hard...'
i was puzzled. everybody who knows me up there in MI would say the opposite. they would all say that i am one of the most open, extrovertive, gorgeous, accessible person on campus or shit like that. they are all dazzled by how openminded and people loving and flirtative i am.
but keita just cuts right through. damn.

later this evening i was sitting in the first beautiful restaurant that i have found here on Hollywood boulevard. a French copy....My wife (a joke, yes) and me had applepie, espresso and a cigarette. danny calls up, my wife gives permission for him to come, we talk, she leaves and we stay.

it gets dark. colder, a candle.
we talk, again, a wonderful conversation. he is number four of the four guys (well by now i guess already five) who want to date me....or something like that..... a beautiful person, ah.

'do you know what your problem is?'

dang. haven't i heard that already sometime today? keita. I laugh. tell me.
you have to be cautious. i am afraid that you destroy yourself. don't smoke. i am afraid because you are such a magnificent person and you are so trustful. that is beautiful but there is bad out there. please be careful. if not for you, for my sake...

this got me into explaining my whole life philosophy and how i can back it up with my experiences i had so far and that he doesn't need to worry because i am being cautious and i am not taking the good for granted and i feel prepared to fight if needed and i don't mind the bad.(that was the short version)
so we kept on talking, being silent, touching each others hands, looking at each other, smiling, wondering,

'strange, isn't it?' he asked
indeed.
all those feelings....where they come from? i don't know...
probably by just letting them be.....allowing them to be there, to grow......he is a gypsie...that is my safety belt. i feel i can open up to him because he won't mind that i am not a cage bird....

'i am so glad i met you again! i am sure we meet somewhere before...it was strong and beautiful...'

i look at him and i feel how i rise the wall inside. i always do it the same way. i look straight into the persons eyes, open, challening, smiling, straight forward but strong. thats the point. i am not escaping or shit, but confronting in a smilling way. i put out there a wall of energy that protects me, nobody can fucking access that space that i create by that.
i feel how it is rising. i look straight into his eyes. i smile.
and then keita crosses my mind.
the wall.
i lose eyecontact. i look away and try to pull and tear it all down. the wall rises up again. i tear it back down. it rises up again. i think 'shit, the wall, i don't want the wall to fucking rise again, there is no reason for it to be there, just don't let it happen again...'
tear down
rise up
tear down
tear
tears are rolling down my face. i can't help it. i can't help it.


damn, what a fucking emotional rollercoster today. how comes they suddenly see all through me....and touch me....


when i saw jean i had to give her a hug, tell her, damn i cried...i can't believe it.....
she looks at me with this sweet smile and says: honey, will you get your period tomorrow or something?
dang!
it s my last day....

so now what does that mean

french rap take me home, to a place i do belong, french rap...

listening to Mystik, an African/French rapper on the steps of our little welfare appartment in the midst of the worst place to live at in white nice Santa Monica, that is, next to the head of the gang of these blocks, (well maybe it s better to live next to the head then not to....;-) takes me home with one sweep, home in the broader sense of western europe, my past....

french is such a wonderful language...especially with an African accent ;-)

the sun rises over the houses and tells me i am late. i think of my life and see things i never thought i would see.
me filming (well, i am not infected by the hollyweird virus, i have actually always known that when i am forty i will make a movie but still, it is not my plan to film in the near future...) stuff about social issues in europe and everywhere.

me travelling around, getting to know the people of this world and loving them

i truly truyl love human beings, with all their flaws and in their beauty. children....ah.

french rap, take me home, to a place i do belong, over the oceans and continents to Marseille, to Lyon, to Bordeaux, to nantes, Rennes, to Paris, finally and let me dance in the street, barefeet and dedicated.....

french rap take me home, to a place i do belong, french rap...

listening to Mystik, an African/French rapper on the steps of our little welfare appartment in the midst of the worst place to live at in white nice Santa Monica, that is, next to the head of the gang of these blocks, (well maybe it s better to live next to the head then not to....;-) takes me home with one sweep, home in the broader sense of western europe, my past....

french is such a wonderful language...especially with an African accent ;-)

the sun rises over the houses and tells me i am late. i think of my life and see things i never thought i would see.
me filming (well, i am not infected by the hollyweird virus, i have actually always known that when i am forty i will make a movie but still, it is not my plan to film in the near future...) stuff about social issues in europe and everywhere.

me travelling around, getting to know the people of this world and loving them

i truly truyl love human beings, with all their flaws and in their beauty. children....ah.

french rap, take me home, to a place i do belong, over the oceans and continents to Marseille, to Lyon, to Bordeaux, to nantes, Rennes, to Paris, finally and let me dance in the street, barefeet and dedicated.....