black and white. for all with too big a heart....(the link!)

okay. the title might mislead you this is not one of my announced posts on the desaster of being white whilst feeling you actually shouldn't and the realization of how fucked up this whole desaster is considering that my educated ass disapproves of any form of racism or discrimination. but well, uh, yes, more about that later. again.

this is about the last three days. black and white, up and down, total euphory to total desperation. ( oh yes, and I DO refer to black here as bad. jesus, do you see the fucked upness in my mind???!!!)

what happened? let me flash back a little in history. in my history.

Poland, 2000, fall. Caspar: 'Oh (sigh) Piranha, I really hope and wish for you that you soon find a good guy for yourself. You really deserve only the best. I wish so very much for you this to happen....' (he was my best friend back then and I was unhappily in love with his friend and of course it didn't work out)

Berlin, 2005, summer. Camilla: 'Piranha, as soon as you left we only talked about you and how much you deserve only the best guy on this world and how much we wish for you that you find him and stuff...' (she is my soulsista and currently together with a guy named Jero whith whom I almost betrayed my boyfriend once, back in December...but I didn't and now he s in love with Camilla lol)

Today, 11:18 PM, staircase of M. 65, Piranha, sobbing, walking up the stairs to her new flat. Thinking: 'Oh man, I really wish that for myself too (bohooo)'

So WTF.

why, first of all should I deserve a special guy? Just because I had so few so far? Fuck! A great deal of them were fucked up special!!! It just wasn't the one. you know THE ONE. And I felt strong love and stuff, but never had I the feeling, he is THE ONE. And guess what, I kinda already accomodated to the fact that maybe HE isn't out there or so. I mean, I am not as idealistic anymore as I used to be. But IN THERE, you know, DEEP INSIDE this kid just doesn't stop whining and complaining about how much it nevertheless believes in HIM showing up.

So. Sorry if this is to personal, ah i forgot thats my fucking blog and you shouldn't read it anyways I mean, WTF, you guys out there probably have enough of your own share of problems. and sadness. and pain. and love. and happiness and all that fucked up emotional spectrum human beings have. but maybe it s fun to see how other suffer anyways. so I won't fake here either and just give an account of how fucked up black and white this weekend was.

Saturday: Piranha felt for the first time in her life that she could imagine to stay with this particular guy and have kids with him. After one night dancing by the way. Go figure, thats fucked up in itself. Its great that I felt this way at least once in my life but its fucked up that I felt it like after 2 hours seeing this guy for the first time. I don't have PMS, I am not desperately looking for a male, I was totally okay man, and this guy puts me so out of balance it freaks me out. I felt like crying and laughing and smiling the whole night. It was so special, almost unbearable special. He caught me like THAT. I was totally gone. electrified. happy. I bought new clothes the next day (I never do that unless I am really crazy in love. and as this happens like very very rarely my sister has to drag me to stores all the time to buy new stuff. it s a bit like losing weight. unless there is a guy I don't really see the need of buying new stuff as the old stuff does well, as long as it is still beautiful. and as I forget eating when I am in love I don't have to think of losing weight and so I wound up thinking of new dresses ;)
I danced rather than walk on the streets. I sang. I wrote a fucked up happy post that I now deleted. Short, I was totally in love by first sight and this is rare like I don't know. When I think really hard it has never happened like this before in my life. I have lots of crushes every now and then but like that??? I don't know...and the most scary thought is that it is all in my head (do you hear cranberry sing 'it s in your head, it s in your heeeeead, zombie, zombie, zoombie....'?) and all just an illusion. it s so scary to think that this is just part of growing up. oh no....

He really wanted to see me yesterday night. But he had to attend a wedding and said he would call me afterwards. I told him I was going to this live8live concert so he could join later. I wore my new high heel shoes and a beautiful colourful skirt and stuff that evening FOR HIM.- hahahaha. I just can't help laughing right now because it feels so fuckin rediculous how I am. These fuckin shoes hurt like hell man! hhahahaha.

He didn't call. He could have sent a short message man, but he didn't. What was that whole fuzz about how stupid cellphones are but still, how practical at times??? I wish I hadn't a damn cellphone because than I wouldn't wonder EITHER !!!! Camilla tried to console me but hey, making out with Jero didn't really help. Fuck AT TIMES I THINK IT SHOULD BE FORBIDDEN TO KISS IN PUBLIC: out of respect for the broke hearted!!!

Its simply DISRESPECTFUL not to let someone know if you can't make it to an appointment. I don't mind at all, even if your excuse is simply that you don't feel like or whatever. or don't like me nomore. I am happy, as long as I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we didn't really have an appointment - but he fuckin promised me to call. To say it in India.Arie's words: a man is as good as his word. and that makes you wonder. and sad. and terribly terribly sad. because you really really had the impression that this guy is just wonderful and more respectful than anyone you ve ever met. it s sad to be disillusioned so quickly and it is good of course.

Funny side note: I really AM a woman. I started thinking of what could have happened and my worst hopes were that he got killed and so it wasn't his fault that he didn't call. haha. damn. fucked up ain't it. sooo...are you dead? was that maybe YOUR wedding? do you like imagining broken hearted girls? did you already forget me? did you lose your cellphone, hence my number? did you change your mind and don't wanna see me again? so are you a FUCKIN COWARD???
There is nothing in this world right now I wish more than him having a good excuse. It s just not the way not to call damn! and I feel like i have to wait because

1. I can't call from my cellphone because I didn't pay my bill
2. I can't call from my fixphone because it is broke
3. I don't have coins to call
4. you should call me damn

so destiny put me in a situation in which i can't do anything really and when I came home today in the subway (my bike is broke, too, so yeah, thats bad luck) I suddenly felt this wave of grief rolling over me from some place remote in my heart and I sobbed like I don't know. hidden, under my hair. I cried and I cried and I felt so sorry for my little heart that is so big and now has to shrink and shrink and shrink again. It just reminds me so much of this video Rough Rough sent me back in february when I was so sad that I had to break my relationship with J off. It was so sad because my heart broke not because I quit but because I had to quit.

http://www.releaseyourself.com/multimedia/video/another_chance_high.wmv

well. *sigh* I guess I have to wait until tomorrow. I could go to Bar 25 now and dance like crazy because I feel like. But I don't want to meet any other guy tonight. And there are too many out there who are just looking for a girl without a boyfriend.... *sigh*

good night

ps. think of Zimbabwe tonight please, for me. He is from Zimbabwa and like the most amazing person I ve ever met. But he is a real son of a gun that he didn't call me. And he better has a good excuse. I am not available for this sort of games no more.