lotto. love is like lotto

i guess it must suck big time to visit my blog these days. i must appear as a helpless whiner who is surrendering to his feelings like as if he is subjected to his emotional life.

well i couldn't care less.

as a matter of fact blogging has become some strange sort of addiciton. wherever i am i kind of write texts in my head how i would describ the situation i am at. i know i know the posts aren't very good considering this constant effort, but i don't actually write everything down. it s just funny in itself. i mean this making texts process in my head... this 'addiction' like sort of thing is probably also just an issue right now, as typing in my thoughts and feelings here is some sort of substitute to whining in the real world. i do enough of that already. don't think the real people around me don't get their fair share either! :) blabla. i knew you would be interested in knowing that. it s such a precious little fact that i generously shared here in the blogosphere.

well you couldn't care less.

lotto? oh right, i was going to talk about love and lotto.

it crossed my mind all of the sudden:

what sucks so big big big huge fat time about my situation is that it feels not only like having had five matching numbers in the big lotto win but it s even worse. it s like having lost the bill with the six right numbers. the winner number. because: if I fell in love with a guy wo doesn't return the feelings. well, i d be probably heart broken and stuff, but god damn, i d knew whats the deal and could try to accomodate to the facts of the matter

. but like this, it is heart wrenching!!!! he wrote me that all he can say is that how i described what i felt, he felt the same. not simply the same, but he added 'EVERYTHING"

God dammit!!!!!

i hope it didn't escape your notice darling, but saying this you fuckin subscribe to a feeling that told me that you are the ONE. I am far from believing this myself, look, I know my heart is being childish and uneducated and opening up to feelings that it always been yearning for and which were stimulated for some fuckin yet undeciphered reason whilst it maybe was just an apperitive for the big thing yet to come! just to get the heart used to such big feelings, you know, a fuckin training day!
but this doesn't diminuish the fact that by saying the above you were telling ME that you felt the SAME! EVERYTHING!

man i can't believe it. i think rather than having children with me (which was one of the feelings you were just subscribing to by the way) you were feeling like MAKING children! excuse my upsettedness. i know this isn't really a word but i like it! so, excuse me, but I felt also like making children. i even started thinking about being satisfied at least with an affair. but know, i have my mantra, i repeat it and i won't do that. but thats not the point.

the point is, that you said you see that my standpoint (which standpoint? that i am not going to be damn sucker sidedish?) puts both our situations into perspective (yeah. the fool i am i told you i see that our situations are not very inviting to start something serious. you are 30, i am 22, i am going to LA in september, go my way, study, balblablabla. but DAMN! love doesn't give a fucking damn shit about things like that! oh FUCK!) - (moreover, my fuckin heart even doesn't give a shit as whether it makes sense or not to have these feelings for someone who is more of a ghost by now than a real person. it also gives a damn whether or not you deserve me (who the fuck defines being deserving anyways?) or whether you are an idiot. unfortuantely, i might add.)

and furthermore, that it is needless to say that the other half of you still wants to see me again. despite your efforts to see things as much as you can the way i see them. (like, i see them in a way that prevents us from seeing each other ever again? yeah. exactly.) and then...

you asked me : can i see you again?

just like at this morning. you were the one to ask for my number and you said you d like to see me again. and i replied you as i am immediately. i know i am impatient. too impatient probably. but thats the way i am. the ONE. oh damn. shit.......

and you did not response ever since. it s been four days or so. i understand if you need time but it kills me not to know the reason for the silence. i know i am too impatient but it kills me. i try to live my life as normally as possible but although it might seem (despite the whining every now and then) normal it isn't. i don't find the stop button. unfortuantely. fuck.

to make this all a bit longer i ll post here what i answered just for the sake of exhibition and soul striptease that i am getting an expert in now...

david. i suppose it s not the best idea. if you like torturing both of us. well. it would be sort of odd though because...because...because. i mean it would be simply odd because i guess we both don't know how to handle that sort of thing appropriately. but then again, human beings have to learn walking so we shouldn't be afraid of falling either. poof. but please. i am already disgusted by my own feelings. i have to learn so much yet david. i have to learn to hold feelings back and stuff. is more healthy you know. *sigh*. i don't know what you mean by seeing each other again. i know we both wanted to go down all the way. but i suppose we shouldn't. i wouldn't. as i said before, i am not going to interfere in anything thats unsolved yet realtionshiptermwise. it s not my style. i couldn't respect you either for that. although it would, of course, feel like some desperate dramatic love story. and the forbidden fruit is oh so tempting and exciting and adventurous and stuff. always. thats how we came here in the first place, according to the holy book ;-)

but maybe we should just relax a bit and meet anyways just to TALK and let feelings cool down in the face of daylight reality.... there are too many things i wanted to know about you anyways than not wanting to see you again. for example whether you actually speak shona or ndebele or both or none and how to say how do you do or i love you in these languages and where you grew up and how it was like and what you think about life and love and the universe. is that too much? i m just really interested. despite all feelings. really. but don't expect anything else. we should show each other that we can be strong.

i propose that we really meet just for a coffee or dinner or whatever and make it a real special encounter between two human beings (rather than just woman/man), so we both can take it home as a gift, a memory that you look back at later with a smile on your face. and no regrets. and no bad conscience. and maybe this way, we can give the reason we met a chance to show. who says it wasn't for the sake of a friendship rather than romance. as i said, feelings are so inscrutable. you never know why the heck they happen to be there.

piranha

oh you are still reading? well. here is the fuckin second mail i sent him the same night. i always send two mails for some reason. probably because i am too much always and too impatient. sure. too implies too impatient, too.

oh david. i just thought about what i wrote earlier and now, sitting here working at my computer i start having doubts about human nature. we are so greedy.and it is so easy to put things in beautiful words.and meanings. and masks. i don't know. we are too greedy often. we encounter one beautiful moment and think we have to recapture it. it reminds me of a poem i recently wrote, after a beautiful encounter with aspecial person. for some reason with him i felt that for sure we wouldn't meet again and there wasn't a need for it either. because our bodies hadn't been involved....just our minds. and I realized then, that although I would have loved to get to know him and embrace him and all that, he was just there, in his silence, offering in a hidden hand his understanding and empathy. that was all. and I suddenly understood that nothing had happened, that could ever be repeated again. it was all unique. i am afraid. i am afraid we will be running aftersomething that is not. beauty and pursuit of pleasure often don't go well together. david. i hope we won'tbe greedy. it makes us sick otherwise....


(by the way, this pathetic beauty and pursuit of pleasure contemplation and actually the whole mail is the fuckin fault of Krishnamurti, whose book "freedom from the known" i am reading right now and i partially blame also my flat mate who was telling me that it is egoistic to see David again. after this great considerate deep shit i wrote in my first mail. ) (and also, i have to admit that i guess it all boils down to making love in the end. i mean having SEX. it d be too sad of course. but i am afraid it does) (so why this fucked up deep talking piranha, anyways!!!!!aaaargh)

no ways, you are still reading? okay. you caught me. i AM being pathetic. it s reached now the point i have to face that. i think admitting it is a good point to start. maybe i will change in the course of the next 20 years. who knows.

good night.

piranha. pissed off