the unexpected. as long as it doesn't concern me ...

it s funny how easy it is to give good advice. for others, of course. :)

today i walked home from a lecture at the FU which I attended just for the fun of it and to see how it is like there. i bought some strawberries, cherries and rasberries on my way. ahm, rasberries. do they remind you as well so much of your childhood days? it s such a delicious taste and smell. it s like with music. it beams me back. in a totally happy state i slowly walked down the street, using cherries as earrings and trying to spit the pits as far as possible. yeah. we had cherry pit spitting competitions back in the days. yeah.

sharing cherries and my joy with the people around me was a matter of course. especially people who are willing to receive gifts and share joy without seeing an obligation in it are a real blessing in such a situation. the bum for example smiled like a little boy when i explained as there are no cherry trees around i would substitute them for today....

then there was this african dude. from cameroon as it turned out. i just offered him my broadest smile when passing by and of coures he took it as an invitation to hit on me. he turned on the spot and caught up with me. 'you look interesting he said, how are you'. i smiled and we did some small talking. eventually he asked the inevitable 'can I invite you for a cup of coffee?' I smiled again and said calmly 'No'. 'why not?' (thats the rule. it s a standard. this is exactly how this conversation has to take place) he asked. I said 'I have a boyfriend' (oh, what a brilliant excuse, he must have heard it a million of times). 'and it totally depends on what the interest is based on. of course i can go and drink coffee with people but my boyfriend is really jealous you know'....and as if this weren' t enough I added 'he is from Africa too, by the way.'
that changed the situation and conversation as I transgressed the unwritten rules of what has to be said when. he had this funny expression in his face that I have observed already a few times whenever I tell an African guy that my boyfriend (the fictionary one) is also black. it s like 'oh I won't mess with that.' whatever reason underlies this decision. respect, brotherly loyality or the simple acknowledgment of a to me unknown fact like 'oh so she s already got a good one' (it would be disturbing though, if all those dudes judged by such simplistic and generalizing measures, as it would make them nothing better than the usual white racist). usually, when 'they' (sorry for generalizing too! lol) suspect that your boyfriend is white they try neverteless to make out with you as if they saw a realistic chance in convincing you that the proverb 'once you go black you never come back' is true...

'where is he from'
'Zimbabwe'
'ahhh!' ( maybe that meant something like 'I get it!'?!?) (what, what did you get?)

I chuckled. Sorry David, for abusing you for that purpose. It s half my desire and dream that I was talking the truth there and some sort of a grim sense of humor that made me say that. haha. me and destiny are on good terms with each other because we share the same sense of humor...

'we still can go and drink coffee of course' i added halfheartedly (he was very smelly) (good explanation huh)
'no'
'why?'
'because i don't have enough time and no girlfriend'
'oh, so you have to make good use of your time to look for a girlfriend?'
'hm'

'listen' i said wisely, 'there is no such thing as searching for a girlfriend. you have to let go of that desire. as soon as you let go of it, baaaam, the unexpected happens.'
'I know its hard' I added quickly, 'because you cannot find the stop button to stop that desire. but it s a matter of fact. it happened to me (oh, why do you lie piranha. your lies are so sweet, it s a desaster! they smell like sweet sticky poison!) as well. hell, i wasn't looking for any guy, I was happy to be without you men and then, all of the sudden, out of the blue it struck me like lightening. baaaaaaaaaaaam (imagine piranha with wild gesticulations and expressive dramatic voice saying that, with a very confident and HAPPY, blissful energy emanating from her!!!). I couldn'T help it. it s my first boyfriend by the way (oh, oh piranha, oh no. do you have to invent such stories. god damn)'
'what your FIRST boyfriend'
'well, the first REAL one, you know someone who I really REALLY love.'
I smiled like a crazy happy person in that moment. the odd: I really felt that way. very balanced, very much in the middle, very much myself and very happy. can you believe that.!!!

'well' he said. 'well'....
'why don't that happen to me then. am i too ugly'
appalled i looked at him. 'NO!!!, come on, you look good, it s really a matter of LUCK, of letting go. you have to let go what you wish most for and it will happen'
(well, the proverb is slightly different and actually a good friend used that for me recently when I was in tears and desperate because of the davidincident, it goes : let go of what you love most. it will return to you when i really loves you too'. great, ain't it. very easy, indeed. i mean, thats the fucking problem. we don't really wanna take the risk to find out whether or not the other really loves us or not. we can'T stand the 50% chance thing.)

we departed and he actually said that maybe next time we can go anyways and drink some coffee. apparently he thought that conversing with me wouldn't be that boring after all.

YEAH, because wisdom really rocks!!! come on baaby, light my fire. *chuckle*

so here my bit of wisdom for you guys out there (as i can'T apply it to myself really i thought i t might be of good use for you. thats a very logical argumentation line, isn'T it!)

growing up doesn'T necessarily include DESILLUSION, as I feared in other posts with regards to being desillusioned about love. I think there can be a POSITIVE desillusion which includes or consists of emotional maturing (not control of emotions but purification of emotions yeah yeah) and the acceptance that we cannot possibly see the whole context of happening and the reason for happenings as long as it is still happening. some sort of serenity and inner feeling of security and trust should result out of that.

so i wish you good luck with your own private life hehe. my good advice will make it all easier for you. please, feel free to share your good advice with me, maybe it will help me! ;-)

piranha