fuck. fish on land

exactly.

i change my pic back to the old one because thats a better description of how i feel.

fuck.

i ve thought so many times already in my life that it would be somehow so comforting to be dumb. idiots are blessed by god. they don't have all those strange problems we have. it s simple and blissful. but on the other hand, it is also fun to be slightly schizophrenic like yours truly. i watch myself and see how emotions change, develop, get stuck, and right now i observe how my mind gets clouded just in the best manner of a thunderstorm preparing to hit on the earth. who needs movies or books or life with such an entertaining inner life?!

my dad told me there is no way i can know what my true emotions are like, what the fuck they really mean, unless i stop listening to what he calls artificial music. the music junky i am i rejected this idea vehemently, of course. i love the soundtracks for my life.

but - when i really think about it i see his point. i was in this bar and there was this extremely sad lovesong playing and in the bathroom i looked into the mirror and couldn't help it anymore. tears dwelling in my eyes. my heart as heavy as a concrete block. or something of that sort. just really heavy, you get the picture. and now, how can you assure me (and my dad) that this isn't fucking due to the music instead due to my broken heart, hm????

it s so fucking pathetic. and i can't help it. i understand that he needs time to figure out whether or not he wants to talk to me and see me in the way i proposed (i suggested to meet like two human beings rather than woman/man because as i said before i am not going to let anything happen as long as there is a third person concerned) but - it s so heavy. if you threw me into a lake right now, i would sink like a stone. i sink in the flood of yet uncried tears. you know the point is, when you fall in love, you wanna swim there. like a fish. a happy fish in its element. i am a fish, which makes the whole thing even worse. but i am not allowed to swim and thats why i sink. returned love makes your heart fly. flying fishes or so. unreturned love, stuck love turns your heart into one grey thing of sad concrete and it makes you sink. although you are a fish. see, like that. it s very difficult when you are so filled up with love and you cannot show it, cannot channel it, cannot give it to the person you love

how much time does it take? maybe he s in london, he told me he has family over there. maybe something happened to them? i hope not. maybe maybe....
the woman in me of course spins all those stories how he is just about to break up with his girlfriend to be free for our love. yeah. piranha, piranha, what about being a bit reasonable in this world? don't watch so many movies with happy endings. people don't take risks no more nowadays... nobody does what you did for people whom you even didn't love approximately as much as you think you love him now. don't forget there is a whole industry that nourishes and feeds exactly this mentality. it s helpless. like a fish on land.

there is no way now i can find out whether these feelings were genuine or not.

what a fuckin pitty.