first of all: everything happens differently. secondly: from what you thought it'd be like(=a bad translation of a German proverb)

oh there are so many things on my mind and so i had to go and post another post today.

it s just so fucking amazing, as i indicated in the post below, how life has its funny ways of giving you things you didn't ask for but lets you wait with things you are longing for in the most rediculous and pathetic and desperate way.

I want love. But in combination with David. Necessarily. Very badly. But life puts me to the test:

Life gives me:

• last nights awesome happenings
• a good job
• a place to live at for free including internet flat rate and free fix net phoning.
• Anuschka (she finally made it and visited me the last four days and it was so incredible beautiful. we had so many beautiful moments. we kissed a lot. we waited so long for this moment in which we would let all the walls crumble down and let ourselves go with the flow of magic cosma-sista energy which has always been there and which always instilled the hunger to kiss each other without us ever talking about it....) (but of course I asked for being able to kiss David...you see the irony do you)
• Ulrike (I just met her at public transpo. I walked in and saw her and we smiled at each other and both she and I knew that we were the same kind. it s funny how you can tell. I asked her what was in her drawing folder and we started talking about art and life and changing study subjects and our future plans without even knowing each other. I told her about the hospitalityclub because she just looked like she would love it. she asked me for my email address. i told her she could paint with me at my former college as they pay for material and i figured that a girl who wants to apply at art schools doesn t necessarily have lots of money to pay for material. and it d be fun to have someone paint with me. she told me that she lived in one of the coolest streets of berlin and that I also could live at her place if i needed to, cuz her flat mate was just leaving for two months to Brazil.)
  the cool thing about this encounter is that i missed a tram on purpose to write something into my notebook for a blogentry. and thats why i met her. i was at the right time at the right place and i smiled at the right person...zou know, i just need a place to stay at for august. and she just offered me a place. isn't that AMAZING!!!!!! oh, my, ... - life......
• the weather. the weather has been very bad since i met David. walking through the windy wet cold unfriendly rain today with my umbrella almost tearing me into the sky i suddenly figured that this is exactly what i need to understand how I have to behave inside of myself...
  This weather is a perfect imagery for my misery I went through with all the heart wrenching pain that such intense and scary feelings bring along.
  And the way I walk through the rain, the way I pull myself together and proudly raise my head because I promised myself I would never bend my head in the rain but lovingly receive every drop as a stroking hand from mother earth (yeah, that sounds probably sort of strange but yeah, I don't fake. I am strange...), the way I gather my strength and keep straight inside, let my light shine through....is exactly the way my heart should behave in the miserable weather of emotions it was going through recently. This thought kind of caught me by surprise because I tend to indulge into my heartwrenching emotions a little bit too much I guess. I guess I love drama for some reason. Tragic makes me feel real. Like there is a reason for my suffering. Whereas the reason might just be that I am a whiny little something that doesn't want to see that it is way stronger than it would ever admit. You see. I can be proud and strong. No doubt.

Furthermore I realized that all the submissive energy I felt that came along with me falling head over heels in love with David is really part of the tenderness that I want to live and experience. But everything at the right time. Right? Now I feel how much pride is inside of me, how this queen that David touched upon in my soul awakens again and says: I am worth it! And if you don't fight for it, - well, it. is. your. loss. I CAN WAIT. or do whatever I want to do but with pride and comportance (is this a word??) ;-) The submissive energy I can afford to live and let free as soon as this knight has won this battle for me.
I mean by submissive energy the very amazing and puzzling fact that the night I got to know David I seemed to throw all my former convictions and beliefs away. Piranha is the one who always goes nuts when one of her female friends decides to move to a town or chooses a certain subject of studies just because she wants to be near her boyfriend. I am the one who usually strongly fights for the idea that everybody should FIRST develop themselves before they indulge into a twosome life. Because this is what enriches a relationship in the end. I don't cook. I am heading to do my studies, live my life my way and make a difference. Nothing can stop me from that. Nothing. haha. except for this feeling that stabbed me from behind this very night I met David and looked at his smile and in his eyes and his face and his moves and suddenly understood that for him I would learn how to cook, move to Zimbabwe or whereever he would like to go, change my life completely just for the life of the both of us. And this is probably that someone would label a very 'female' energy if one would judge by history and stereotypes. It is damn interesting to see what it really means for me to be a woman. It contains both, the holy and the whore, the submissive energy and the pride of the princess/queen inside myself....

wheeeeeewooow. it s so amazing. so amazing.

...ahm, life, is there a reward for being as grateful as I am for the many gifts you present me with? (just a question!!! )