Somewhen sunday morning, around 8 or 9 AM we finally decided to come home after having spent a hot night in one of the coolest clubs ever in Berlin. Really, this club makes you feel like you've spent a night in hell. And thats certainly the place you wanna be, believe me. When you exit, having managed to climb up the many many stairs which lead back to the outside you feel like you enter a new world, still feeling the echo of the bass in your stummick and some bling bling in your head...suddenly plunging into the world of sweet bird singing and fresh sunny morning air. The effect is only achieved, however, when you stay until the sun actually rises.
As we got off the subway I jumped over the fence because i didn't feel like walking all the way around it to get to our street. He looked at me with a grin and said, 'you've also been tomboyish haven't you'
I looked at him, not knowing whether or not this was something good now but I decided to take it as a compliment. Gosh, only because I wear a skirt and dress sexy it doesn't mean i have to behave like one of those chicks, right? I love sports and I generally don't care about norms although at times its quite useful to at least know about them and be able to adjust to them if necessary...but....whats the whole fucking big issue about jumping over a fence at 9 AM sunday morning???
This lead me to reminisce a little about my growing up. Abot tomboys growing up and how difficult it is for us.
When I was 11 the most horrible thing I could think of was to get my period earlier than my older sister. I wanted to be like her. This included as well (see how fucked up!) having a boyfriend not earlier than with 14. (I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 17 actually and one could say I beat her on that lol. Now whether thats a good thing I don't know...) She was a true tomboy and I did everything to comply to that image too but I think I ve always been a little bit more feminine in some way than she was. She had the fitting body for a tomboy, I was always bigger than her and yes, my body kind of showed already back then that one day I'd become a woman with very female curves. You can figure how this pissed me off from the very beginning. My sister tortured me over months with telling me every night in a whispering tone so nobody but me would hear it: you sagging bosom pig! (there is an actual species called pendulous abdomen pig and that was her variation invented for me) Now, of course, that was bullshit, - I was a little girl just about to enter my teenies, my breasts just started growing but I can tell you that it was horrifying and although I forgave her for that and just laugh about it now I must say that it did more harm to me than any of us would have expected.
- I refused taking showers over a period of 6 months or so. I would just wash myself in the evening but never really undress. I couldn't bear seeing myself. Seeing the growing pubic hair, my breasts... it was just horrifying for me. I could not relate at all to these female features of mine. For some weird reason, although I really developed physically faster than she did, I got my first period really later than her. It was as if the immense fear I had stopped my body from developing this part. At some point my period wouldn't come for months and this was the first time in my life i realized I enjoy being a woman and that I really missed that. Strange, huh?!
It s very tough for a tomboy who is totally into sports to realize that there are days that you cannot give all you have powerwise, that it is uncomfortable running when you don t wear a bra and all that stuff. it basically sucks. other girls where busily taking care of their womanhood, buying clothes, using make up and all that stuff but I refused doing that. I never spent money on clothing. My mom had to drag me to stores. I would start crying and tell her how we should rather should spend money on helping poor kids in Africa. It was all too much for me.
I think it is normal for many many girls to have problems with how they look like and especially their weight when they are in their teenies and for some unfortunate creatures this is even a lifelong issue, but I think the tomboy issue added some problems to the "usual" problems girls have. -
- After I had kind of accepted, that I am a woman and can't change that and actually like it, my former problems transformed into the above mentioned problems, i thought I am way too fat, especially compared to my sisters, and that I looked horrible. I HATED myself. I would treat myself very badly and would tell myself very nasty things which hurt so much inside that I sometimes almost started crying. I wasn't very nice to myself nor to the people around me. I would play tough in public, my classmates really thought I am the strong, extrovertive, dominant, leadertype, optimistic Piranha, who doesnt give a fuck about clothing or any of this stupid chica chica businesses, - but at home I would get breakdowns on a regular basis, crying in my room and when my angel sister would come to console me or ask whats up I would yell and scream at her how the fuck she should immediately get out of my room. (of course in this moment there was nothing that I wished for more than her taking me into her arms and hugging me but you probably know that predicament....)
It was a difficult time.
Of course I started caring about clothing at some point and use make up and try to be sexy but I hated myself too much to really feel comfortable. I remember one day, I just came back from the hairdressers who had ruined my hair and I was standing in front of our bathroom mirror and cry. My dad came and asked whats wrong. I told him how much I hated the new haircut and what he then said was really puzzling in that moment for me: He said: Come on, Piranha, you, too, may dare to be sexy!
My dad....said this....the same dad who would forbid my sister to dress too sexy because it was slutty in his eyes.
I remember how after a long disease I had I lost so much weight that for the first time in my life I could dress in my sisters clothes and felt so good as I never did before. For some reason this feeling stayed although my body added a lot of weight after this desease, the famous jojo-effect. I think I am 10 kilos overweight now, I mean 10 kilos more than I had back then but I still feel good in my body. At times I wish I could get rid of them but it s difficult for me to do so. I just like eating too much... As long as I can run 10 miles after having danced through a whole night I think I am okay with it.
When I look back at this whole development I understand that my difficulties to accept what I referred in this blog many times as the 'woman inside of me' has also to do with the little tomboy inside of me. After having accepted being a woman and having this type of body I have, I had to come a long way until I could reconciliate myself with the sexual 'woman inside of me'. It was a long process but by the help of some gorgeous men I think I get there....Oh and of course also by the help of some gorgeous women :-)
I don t think that it was bad or a pitty that my development was so difficult due to me being a tomboy. I think it helped me to develop a personality which of course sometimes conflicts with the female side of me but I am very happy that my life isn t only defined by with which guys i have sex with or which clothes i wear and how i look like. My insecurities are there, sure, but I am happy about the little tomboy inside of me!!!!!
1 comment:
I believe deep down inside everybody has issues like this. Being a former tomboy, I too can identify
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