desert in the night

i have to admit, these days the posts come one after the other, quickly, just as my emotions rise and fall, like an eternal tide that swapps out into the blogosphere. here i am, witnessing the emptiness inside of oneself, the feeling, as if a whole universe is inside of you, with a pulsating sun in the middle around which the planets of different emotions evolve eternally.

i can't say that I liked sitting there. they talked about everyday life suckerstuff. i joked with them, kept the obligatory smalltalk at a minimum level. my eyes wandered off so many times. million stars in the sky but i couldn't find any in their eyes.
once he looked at me with this special glance. his eyes reminded me of a dog. a dog who says: i will support, you, I understand you, I will carry you on my back!
go away dog. leave me alone. i am a desert and I need it to rain. a desert in the night...

so million good advices. thanks you guys and ladies for the consoling and supporting and funny comments. they helped me thru, really, every time i opened my email account and saw: yet another comment i was already excited and smiling. so good. thank y o u. it is like soulstriptease is just possible here, because it is so unimportant in all its importance. and as the blogoverse allows to strip it also allows to reach out to people you would maybe look at with a feeling heart in the subway seeing them cry but you would never be able to touch their hearts either.
all my feelings accumulate to an unbearable luggage on my pulsating sun heart. the storm of planets, the dance, the harmony, I can't distinguish it anymore. but then, baaaaam, i release my thoughts and images into the blogoverse, and there we go, aaaaah, a relief. good one.

usually, back, when i was still my normal self, every guy was worth a glance or two. or the thought 'would he be it?'. or at least a check one two, is this guy hot?

now, in my desert, there are no guys left no more. tired my eyes wander from silhouette to silhouette but nothing can incite interest, nothing draws me in, everything doesn't matter the fata-morganas are meaningless, I am not running for water that is illusion I am the desert I don't need to run. I am there, eternally resting, pulsating, starving, carving for you to rain on me.

it s half past midnight. i say i have to get up early tomorrow. good excuse. i make my way. meaningless conversations, empty word constructs enter my mouth, rest, leave it. I don't care. walking away is a relief in itself, I take the scarf off my head and open my hair. it falls down in waves over my neck, my back, which you held that night, your words still linger in my hair, your breathe still sends shivers down my back to that wonderful mysterious place. i yearn for you. i yearn to be with you. to love you.
all the good willed advice i heard. how much you don't deserve me. oh we never know. never know the true motivations and reasons of happnenings and deeds. my heart is a helpless fool who gives an f.

i told you not to remind me of that night we met in this ordinary club. how it felt to dance with you. how the energy felt between us, this understanding. i told you not to call me with that nickname. i told you it would be a bad idea to meet again. i told you i just wanted to talk to you in the case we did. because i realized that this desert needs rain, i can't dream of clouds and not let it rain. the wind whispered it into my ears it s nothing we can stir, the captain has left the sinking ship we have to be captains now ourselves there is nothing that can protect us from abysses or seas or monsters or - way more frightening - ourselves...

despite what i told you i can't stop thinking of you myself. i walk down the streets, I talk empty talks, i look into empty eyes and feel that emptiness inside, this big, huge, floating emptiness that is waiting to be filled, the desert in the night.

i swear i didn't do that intentionally. but i felt you and me making love to each other. love! no sex, not fucking, no, simply love. how it would feel to breathe your breath, to taste your skin, to love you, to stroke every single part of your body, sensually, enjoying, loving, admiring.... how it would be when you would finally find your way to this good place where it feels oh so good and how it would feel like when you d fulfill me, the moment of penetration, the intensity, the feeling of being holden, by you, and falling back, falling down and circeling in a neverending embrace, giving support and letting go, how you would hold me and how i would fall, fall, fall

but not through the thin icey air of lust and desire only, no, but into the warm but yet refreshing water of love, surrounding our bodies, fulfilling our bodies, connecting our hearts and souls and mind and spirit and my skin would be your skin and my eyes would be your eyes and i would drink your sweat and love your eyes your voice, your breath....your hands.....

yes, i know it too. it would be so, so good. and it would be love. i want to love you. entirely. argue with you. know about your family too. know what makes you angry, what makes you blissful, happy.... how you d smile to your kids. to me. your love. in me........



you see....

i can't help it. no matter what is said or not said. i can't help it no more...

when i think of the delicious salad i couldn't finish today although Theresa almost forced me to. of the race my heart runs without ever stopping although i say, hey, stop, it s over, it s the end, stop, now! i don't find the button.
of the adrenalin shocks i get when my phone rings or i get a short message.
when i open my email account and all i find is a comment of my dear fellow bloggers :)))
(but i really do thank you!!! it s really good to have you out there!!!!!!!!! i swear. and i know you can tell. ;-)