long letters

as I was posting about that special encounter I had this last weekend I thought I also should stay true to my original intentions of opening this blog and not fake but stay true to myself and to whoever reads this. this is why I decided to put out there the letter I wrote David as a response to his sms this morning. It serves as a selfexplanatory text about what I think and how I felt and some general thoughts I have on love-related issues. and maybe it helps me to release this piece of writing to the bloggersphere. who knows. I ll see how it feels.

Here is what I wrote:
Okay David, I will try to write as rational as I can because I know I am an emotional person and although I can trust my inner feeling very well my emotions are probably still less trustworthy than my reason although I am not sure yet whether I should believe that or not. this is going to be a long email, because, as I said before, I am talking and writing a lot, always, and yes, it might be too much but I hope this time it isn't too much for you. I hope you will read and take the time to understand. thank you if you do so.

Here we go. I think it is very fair that you told me the truth and I thank you for that. Nothing is more hurtful than believing in someone who is not worth it after all. I couldn't believe that you weren't calling because i really didn't have the impression of you being disrespectful. not at all. Thinking that it was your wedding wasnt so wrong after all and its just another proof for my inner voice to be right as I felt very uneasy about your silence after this beautiful morning. However, I also understand that you didn't tell me straight away although you probably should have. Things happen like that and it is very humane to let things go with the flow although it isn't always the right thing to do.

As far as I am concerned I didn't want to say anyting about what I felt because it would have been too scary for you and I idn't want to spoil what also could have become a normal friendship (well of course I didn't hope for a normal friendship lol). It was bad you didn't tell me straight away about your situation because these three days were enough to let my feelings scare the shit out of me. Its not fair to try someones heart out when you can't afford it after all.

You couldn't possibly know this David, but this kind of thing doesn't happen to me regularly (nope, I dont make out with guys in clubs. i did but since a long time not anymore) and although it was for you 'one of those situations' (you know) it turned out to be much more for me and I couldn't really help it. You have to understand that I am very much aware of the fact that my feelings can play tricks on me and thats why I didn't say anything in the first place and wanted to get to know you a little bit better to see whether I was fooled by my emotions or not. The most scary part was that I am not having my PMS, am not desperately looking for a man (I just finished a relationship in february and an affair just last week) and didn't have any fuckin reason to feel the way i did that night. My reason tells me that I can't be sure of anything because the soul and its deep hidden desires can jump in, the body and its deep hidden desires can jump in as well as the clear genuine feeling that you can get when destiny's wings touch you ever so gently. time can only tell what was the case, or which proportions were in that mix of reasons for my feelings.

I very much agree with you that it is better not to meet again because me too, I would want much much more than this. muchmore. I am over the affair-thing. I am not going to be a sidemeal to anyone but the main course. it is only fair to let you know that what I felt was: like crying and laughing the whole time we danced. I saw myself (and this NEVER happened to me before and this is the reason why I am nevertheless very very very grateful for the whole beautiful encounter as at least it made me feel that way once in my lifetime and as I doubted already that I could feel that way it was just stunningly amazing and beautiful for me despite the broken heart I feel now) well okay, I saw myself with your kids and at your side in Zimbabwe or wherever we would be, (I am laughing writing this because it is in a way just too cute. my heart is young and it is cute really). I couldn't help it. You took my heart with a storm and it is scary and beautiful that this is possible after all. and again, it is the first time i felt that way, so please excuse me. I don't know how to handle that sort of feelings.
Don't worry too much about the broken heart though, because although you should feel guilty having made me feel this way although you couldn't possibly fulfil the unspoken promise I know that these deep feelings make me a better artist in some way and as I know myself I will see the good in all as soon as the woman inside of me and my heart calm down.

As for love I have to say something very important. I mean it is important for me that you know what I think about it;

love isn't just a feeling. it is hard work. thats where your patchy realtionship kicks in. I am NOT THE PERSON to interfere in any relationship. i have too much respect for that. the example of my parents taught me, that it IS POSSIBLE to go through the hard times of a relationship without quitting immediately. I understand that at times it is really better to break off but all in all I see the worth in fighting and working for it. These emotions I felt, maybe you too, are emotions that are very intense in the beginning. the first encounter with someone. They mean something, hell yeah, but they don't weigh as much as the importance of growing in a relationship. and of being faithful.

My sister, who is married and whose husband ran away like already 3 times and whom she got back every time by fighting for him of course told me to fight for you. i am not going to do that David, although I am very scared that my attitude of letting things happen and trusting in life/destiny/god/whatever that the important things will happen and that it is not always up to me to judge where the importance lies, will mislead me one day. I am very much scared that one day i miss the moment in which I do have to fight. I hope it is not now. but being the faithful fool I am I even trust now that I will feel if it is the right time to fight for something. But this time I really felt clearly that even though I would LOVE to make love to you, really, I wouldn't have gone for it if this had been all you were looking for. I swore to myself that I wouldn't let this happen because I knew the pain of my heart would have been inappropriately too hurtful compared to what you get out of a pure sexual encounter. I know it would have been maybe the most moving and wonderful experience so far for me but in the same time this is the exact reason why I understood that this time a 40 % package wouldn't suffice.

Also based on my own experience of the past I know that we human beings are so eagerly looking for directing our love to objects. I don't want anybody to be an object but an end in himself/herself of course. So it is an ongoing struggle. Relationships need love but they mean more, they touch upon that deeper layer of love that we don't really have a name for I guess. the big love of my teenage years was a guy who went down all the way with drugs and became schizophrenic in the end. You can imagine how much it hurts to see someone you love so much going down and you can't help. And it is even more hurtful to check your own feelings and to admit that some of the reasons you want to help and stop him is of course because of the relationship and love you hoped to get out of this encounter. and THATS egoistic. at some point, I was sitting in a cafe back then, I suddenly got this great, huge feeling of my heart opening up, embracing the whole world and of my little desperate longing love became an all encompassing love that wasn't no longer directed at HIM but INCLUDED him. I felt that I could bare seeing him without wanting to jump on him immediately. My body no longer needed the affirmation of his love. it didn't demand anything anymore but just loved. actively.

This is why loving for me is in many ways more important than being loved. (I quit with my last boyfriend because I couldn't bare it anymore that I doubted the whole time about us and my feelings and couldn't return the same quality of love as he did/ the quality of love I want to live in a relationship. it was very painful because he was a very very good guy and very good to me.) And as I see that I am also just a human being, and for gods sake, a woman (jesus, its really difficult i can tell you), I accept that this moment in which I had access to the universal love wasn't a gift for good but something I experienced and which I have to work for to get back again.

so all in all I can say that my heart was desperately longing for you all this time and it was amazing to feel that way all of the sudden, unexpectedly and striking as it was. my heart was dreaming of a reciprocal love and of a whole life and I am not very sure whether this was just directed at you or what the hell incited this whole inner turmoil. I don't know what it was good for but I think we will know sometime in the future. maybe it s good if you and I both think of what love means to us and how we want to live that consciously in our lives. I can say here, without bitterness, that I wish for you to clear things in your relationship and see if it is worth working on it, in order to give yourself and your love a chance to grow. honesty is all what is needed in that process, believe me.
of course the love I just felt now was also demanding, and although it felt very deep and scarily big it probably wasn't as universal as I would like it to be. but having experienced that universal kind of thing already I just want you to know that I know it is possible, that I will try to let go of this demanding love and that I am very happy to having met you no matter what. it s good to laugh and all my laughter and it is good to cry and cry all my tears. and so it has been good, very good, to meet you and let you touch my heart. it hasn't been touched for a while. and sorry for not fighting for you. the woman in me really would like to do that, reading 'patchy realtionship' really made her nourish hopes and what not. ;-) But as I said before, I am not going to interfere. I am very jealous of who it ever will be to be the mother of your children and I guess thats totally humane. or very female. again...

so, too bad for all the guys who come after you. :) it will be even harder now to get me.


Piranha